Ugliness That Shall Not Be Mentioned

Every time I try to plan out what I think God is doing, or is going to do, it never turns out that way.
Never.
Never ever.
Not one, single, time.
So why do I continue to do it?!
Because I'm a hard-headed control-freak who just can't let go of my tightfisted grip on my life!
I also DESPISE waiting.


Ugh. For real, friends? Why can't I just wait and see?
I just knew after we signed the paper like we were scheduled to on Friday, October 3rd, that all would be revealed and God would shine a bright light from Heaven and we would follow a star to the home that would be ours. All my plans were hinging on that moment. Instead, due to problems with the Buyers Loan paperwork, we didn't close on Friday at all. Now, we are scheduled to close NEXT Friday, October 10th. 
All my plans for what God was planning fell apart...because God wasn't really planning any of that. Maybe He just knew that I was going to wake up yesterday and be upset about selling the house (see my post from yesterday!) Maybe He knew that I would have feelings to work through?  Maybe He also knew that this was the best way to work through them with me.
There's no "maybe" about it, friends.
He knew all along that this would happen, that Peter and I would be where we are right now, completely moved out of our home, living with his parents, hoping our house is completely 100% sold in the next 7 days, and with absolutely no plans whatsoever of how or when to move forward, or even in what direction to go.
So, what should I do?
Well, maybe I should do what God has clearly been telling me to do all along?
Pull MY hands back, throw MY plans to the side, and just....wait.
Waiting is the absolute hardest thing to do, isn't it?
Sitting in a waiting room of anywhere you feel like minutes are more like hours and you are easily irritated at all the people who seemingly get to go before you.
Waiting in traffic or getting behind slow drivers? Um, road rage anyone?
Waiting in line at a restaurant? Well, now, that's seriously just the recipe for disaster. I mean, come on: Hungry Person + Impatient Attitude + Waiting = Ugliness that shall not be mentioned!
(I don't act that way personally.  I just know people who do!)
My husband would surely chime in here (if I would wait a second and let him!) and mention how waiting on people to get ready and be ready to go on time is a serious threat to his blood pressure! ...I love you Peter!
Waiting.  We just don't ever like to do it.  But, sometimes, we just have to.
My daughter HATES to wait on anything.  And I always get irritated with her when she gets irritated about me making her wait.  Like I said on here yesterday, I am beginning to see that I am very often like a whiney little girl!  I'm glad God doesn't get irritated with me!  He just loves me anyway, and keeps teaching me, and keeps pushing me closer to Him.
He's good that way.  He doesn't give up on us.
Even when WE keep HIM waiting.
And, so, here I stand, in the waiting room of my life.
It may be minutes. It may be longer. 
But once He calls my name, it will all be worth it! And instead of getting angry and impatient while I'm waiting, I'm going to be deliberate, and do what one of my favorite songs says...
I'm going to (try to) worship while I'm waiting!




http://youtu.be/o9DTwLOxzhE

The Mad Little Girl

The little girl would NOT sit down in her seat like her Momma was telling her to.
Finally her Mom disciplined her and made her sit down.  The little girl, sitting on her sore bottom and crossing her arms stubbornly, said "I'm sitting down on the outside, but I'm still standing up on the inside."

Wow.  How often that little girl is me.
God tells me to do something, and after much feet-dragging and complaining, I finally obey Him and do what He said.  But, all the while, in my heart I am still saying "I'm obeying You on the outside, but on the inside - I wish I was doing what I wanted."

Today, we sign the papers and officially sell our house.  I'm not going to lie.  It is very hard for me.  Countless times over the last few weeks I have had misgiving and doubts and heart-to-heart talks with God.
I know selling our house is what God told us to do. I know it. But I don't like it. And, I am mourning that loss and I feel bad about it. I finally admitted to God this morning that I am little angry about it. I'm giving up my home and my security and comfort-zone and possibly my kids will have to change schools and we still don't have a place of our own!  I'm tired, so very tired of the unknown and the stress and what-ifs. I don't want to sell my house. I don't want to leave it, because I love all the memories there. I'm doing it because I know I need to, but I'm a little mad about it.
And this morning, God reminded me of the story of that little girl.  Because I am being just like her. Doing anything for God for the wrong reasons and with the wrong heart will never be easy.
But, even as I sit here with tears rolling down my face, God is still lovingly speaking peace to my heart.  He is still telling me, "It's ok, Deon, just let go. I've got this." 
I pulled up this blog this morning to write about my feelings of anger and I noticed the title of one of my previous posts earlier this year.  It was titled "When God's Plans Are Not My Plans".  It related to a totally different struggle that my husband and I faced at that time and how I wrestled with letting God plan things.  It was a huge slap on the rear end this morning, and exactly what I needed.
I don't want to be the stubborn little girl who obeys on the outside, but resists on the inside. And yet, I am she more often than not. 
Today, I am clinging to my Verse of the Year for 2014... Matthew 6:33 "But seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things you need will be given to you."
Today, I need peace. I need strength to sign those papers. I need encouragement. I need God's boldness to overcome my fears of the unknown. I fall desperately onto God's promises. And He catches me there... God, I'm seeking you. I'm laying at your feet.  I'm busted up and bruised, and, Lord, I'm stubborn most of the time!  But I want you first.  Help me lay myself aside.
Help me being obeying on the outside AND on the inside!