Fumbling with Forgiveness

I’ve been struggling hard the last few weeks with something that I don’t like.

Forgiveness.
Specifically, forgiving “enemies”.
It’s hard enough to forgive someone who you felt wronged you when they are close to you, a friend or family member. But we’re not only called to forgive the ones who we feel deserve it, or the ones that we like.
We are just called to forgive. And keep on forgiving. A whole bunch of times, even if they do the same thing over again.

I think I just vomited in my mouth a little bit…

I’ve learned this lesson before, but I have to keep learning it. Probably because I LIKE to forget it!

When I was 16, God allowed me to go through a couple good, hard, heartbreaking things in one year. In desperation, I clung to promises of God. I read my Bible like a starving person. And the overwhelming push from him throughout that time was for me to rest in God, let him take care of it, and to try my very best to forgive the ones who had hurt me.

That forgiveness didn’t happen overnight.

Emotions are a crazy and turbulent thing. We can’t control them, but we CAN corral them. God took me on a year-long journey of learning what real forgiveness was, and truly embracing for the first time what God’s forgiveness of MY wrongs to him really cost.

A favorite song of mine right now says, “When I was your foe, still your love fought for me.”

Take that in for a minute…
I was a foe, an enemy, of God.
I actually told him out loud once that I hated him.

And, still, he ran after me, he fought for me. He fought through my anger, and rebellion, and stubbornness, and he never stopped.  

He died for me.

Ephesians 4:32 is what hit me the hardest… “Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

As a 16 year old baby Christian, I read that verse and had to ask, So, how did God forgive me?

The answer was hard to swallow then, and it’s hard now.

He forgave me when I hated him.

He forgave me when I did things wrong against him.
He forgave me when I did things that hurt other people.
He forgave me when I tried to fill myself up with everything except him.
He forgave me BEFORE I ever asked for it, and when I definitely did not deserve it.
And…he keeps on forgiving me. Every. Single. Time.
His love, and his forgiveness, never run out.
Unconditional.

Take a big gulp, because...that’s how we are supposed to forgive others: before they ask, or deserve it, before they act nicer to us, or change, and even if they do it again!

So, here I am now, 22 years later, having to re-learn that same thing. People have hurt me lately. But people always hurt other people at one time or another. Because we’re people! I think that’s why, in Ephesians, we were admonished to be kind and compassionate to each other! Because we ALL have been hurt and will hurt others. 

You’ve probably heard the saying “Hurt people hurt people.” Meaning, of course, that, like a wounded animal reacts defensively, so do hurt and wounded people.

But, not God.
God reacts by fighting FOR us. He offers up himself as a hiding place for us. He offers to heal our wounds. He forgives.
And so must we.

It is, honestly, one of the truest representations of God’s love shown in human form, to love and forgive those who do not love and forgive us.

Jesus’ own words, recorded in Luke 6 verse 27 say it perfectly:

“But I say to you, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other cheek also, and from one who takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt either. If love only those who love you, what benefit is it to you? For even the ungodly love those who love them.  And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same…But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.”

Oh, I cannot tell you how that equally rips my heart and is a precious, healing balm to it!

I’ve spent weeks, maybe months, roiling in my mind and heart over injustice and hurts and pondering how I can make it right. I’ve said things in response that I shouldn’t have (…ie: wounded animal!), and I just knew the day would come when the wrongs against me would be righted.

But, maybe, maybe this whole time it was an opportunity to see God’s merciful love and forgiveness.  To live that out in front of others?!

I WANT to show that.

It’s hard. It is definitely a wrestling point and it takes so much effort in our human hearts!

But, much like that 16 year old girl learned a long time ago, the payoff is so much bigger and better than our own fumbling actions could ever produce!

So, corral those emotions rumbling around, and offer them over to God, and ask him to help you forgive...

When Somone You Love Behaves Badly...

Plastered all over the headlines this morning is the shocking announcement that beloved news anchor, Matt Lauer, has been fired due to some serious sexual harassment allegations from a co-worker. While watching the other anchors announce it on live TV this morning, this one question they asked snagged my attention. I rewound it and listened again. The newswoman and co-anchor of Matt’s said this:

“How do you reconcile your love for someone with the revelation that they have behaved badly?”

She replied to her own question that she didn’t know the answer to that.

But I do.

It’s a hard, seemingly impossible thing.

But it IS possible.

There have been a few times in my life, unfortunately, when someone I love has “behaved badly”, and I have had to work through that very question. People I loved and admired and respected, close friends, people in my church family, and people in my own family. It is, undoubtedly, one of the most difficult things that we, as people, are asked to do. Primarily, because it calls for several actions that go directly against our humanity and sense of self-worth. What that reconciliation requires is a complete and honest examination of self, and then a humbling of the self you just realized. Here are 4 things that I believe are required to answer the news anchor’s question of “How do you reconcile your love for someone with the revelation that they have behaved badly?”

1. You must first dig deep inside yourself, and look at all the junk there. Examine every hidden part, and be honest and realize that we are ALL completely capable of behaving badly. And that we do it a lot. You must see the bad inside you, too.
2. You must, MUST, realize and accept that your “bad behavior” that you just acknowledged, and the things you struggle with, and the ugliness inside your heart, is not any less “bad” than anyone else’s. It just shows up in different ways. It puts on different costumes, but underneath it is the exact same “bad”. This is hard. It’s maybe the hardest thing. Because it is at this moment that you realize you are on the same level ground with the person you just moments before thought was worse than you. It takes absolute self-honesty and humbling of yourself.
3. You must examine if you really ever loved this person to begin with? Did you? Did you really? What is real love? Ask yourself how you want others to love you? Do you want them to stop loving you if you make a mistake? Do you want to have to earn their love? Do you want people to only love you when you are good? If you have kids, is that how you love your kids? Or do you still love them, even when they behave “badly”?
4. Once you look honestly at yourself and your heart, and put yourself on the same level as the other person, and ask yourself if you really loved that person before, then comes the real action part of this reconciling of bad behavior...forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice. You don’t earn forgiveness. And, it is my opinion, that true forgiveness only comes after true love. You can’t really forgive someone you hate. Because, why do you hate them? Because of what they did? Because of who/how they are? Well, then you didn’t really forgive them. Forgive means “to cancel”, it means treat them as if it never happened. So that completely does away with the widely held premise of “I’ll forgive, but I won’t forget.” Forgiveness is a choice. A hard and painful choice. But it is also the beginning of healing, and the first intentional step toward reconciliation.

 

So, in light of those 4 things, “How do you reconcile your love for someone with the revelation that they have behaved badly?”

Well, we must also understand that the word, “reconcile”, basically means “to check for accuracy, restore, account for”. And that is exactly what you have to do to to handle the those moments when people disappoint you by choosing bad behavior. It takes actions on your part. It’s not based off of emotion. You check yourself first for accuracy. You examine YOU before you examine them. You account for your own bad behavior, and admit to it, before you bring into account theirs. You restore the depth of love you have for them that is not based off of their behavior. And you choose to forgive them.
In the best words of a very old, very true, well used passage, you reconcile it by practicing this:

Love is patient (long-suffering) and kind (desperately wants the best for them);  

Love does not envy or boast (is not jealous, and does not brag);

it is not arrogant or proud  (not self-righteous, or power-hungry)

It is not rude. (is not blunt to wound, does not want to tear down or dishonor others)

It is not selfish; (wants NOTHING for self, is not stubborn or demanding, gives without return)

it is not easily angered or resentful; (not quick to anger or be offended)

It keeps no record of wrongs (does not hang on, or remember, keep tally of, bad behavior)

It does not delight in evil things, (does not want vengeance or unrighteous things)

but rejoices with the truth. (is joyful at the presence of the Truth of God’s Word)

Love bears all things, (bears=Greek word to cover or protect, 1Peter 4:8 - Love covers a multitude of sins. It protects the heart & character of the other person, no matter what.)

believes all things, (always, ALWAYS, believes and thinks the best first...cause it keeps no record and is not selfish and is patient and covers a multitude of sins, it chooses first EVERY SINGLE TIME to give the benefit of the doubt, is chooses to trust)

hopes all things, (there’s a reason this follows believing...this is loves way of refusing to take any failure as final, it’s sincerely hoping in God’s plan)

endures all things. (holds the line at all cost, it perseveres in face of adversity)

Love never ends. (it abides, it is there, no matter what)

    (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Basically, love is an action, not an emotion. When someone hurts us, or disappoints us, we want to react based off our emotions and based off what we think they deserve. But real love CHOOSES to do neither of those things. Real love reconciles itself no matter what.

I know that sounds cliche, but it’s true. Real love is always there. Even after “bad behavior.”

What the real question should be is: How do we show grace after bad behavior? The answer?

By continuing to show them real love.

 

Which is...how God loves us.

An Open Door to My Closet of Skeletons

Lately, I feel this bubbling up of "stuff" inside me.

It's like an over-full closet that you can barely close the door on.

Some of it's my junk. Some of it is my family's junk. But some of it just showed up and doesn't belong to me at all, and I'm not sure how it got even got there!

But the same thing is true with all of it...to get rid of it, I have to deal with it. I have to touch it and look at it and ask myself honest questions about whether it deserves to stay or needs to get the heck out and quit using my space.

Here's the truth:
Things are real.
Struggles are real.
Life is real.
And it's also really tough.
Too often, when tough things come along, we shove them in the closet and close the door.
Sometimes, it's because they make us sad. Sometimes, it because we are ashamed of them. Sometimes...usually... it's just because we are not sure how to handle them and we don't want anyone to know that!
Well, I'm tired of doing that.
I just want to always be REAL with people.
I feel like for the last 10 years or so God has had my husband and I both on a journey of learning how to leave the closet door open, of letting God direct certain people towards us and being willing to share all our hidden realness with them.
It's very scary, but also very freeing.


I am a slight hoarder. Not the crazy TV show kind! But I keep things. I hate to get rid of stuff because I'm afraid I might regret it. Also, I grew up in a religious setting where you always had to look like you were the perfect Christian. You did not admit faults, or struggles. You hoarded them away in secret. You kept the door on that closet full of junk closed tightly and woe to the one did not!


You know what I'd like to do in life? I'd like to swing my closet door open. I'd like to have an EMPTY closet. Wouldn't you? What if I got rid of the stuff that was useless and then all my "me" stuff was on display in my living room instead? Wouldn't it just look LIVED IN?
But what holds us back the most is each other. We are so worried if someone sees inside my closet, they will talk bad about me, treat me differently, see me differently, not be my friend, etc.
It's scary.
It definitely takes lots of courage to swing that door wide open!
If I do...would there be anything that would change how you feel about me?
If you found out I was struggling with something would you offer help, or just talk about me?


I want the closet door of my heart open.
I do.
I'm just scared to let you see...

When God Points...

I was in the car alone with my husband. We had just dropped our kids off with my parents and were driving back the hour and a half home as the sun went down. I had already determined earlier today that I would use this alone time, free of kids and distractions, to share a dream of mine with him that had been brewing in my soul. I was nervous about starting the conversation. It is hard to share a seemingly impossible dream...even with someone you know loves you. I hesitated. I thought about waiting till later. But then God (isn't that how the best things begin?) bolstered my courage by painting a breathtaking sight in the sky. Peter knows I love the sunset and suddenly, while I sat silently gathering my courage, he veered off the main road, and down a side street. I asked him where he was going just as he crested a hill and turned into a parking lot and stopped. Before me was the most breathtaking view, free of power lines and street signs and tail-lights. Free of distractions.
The most beautiful sunset.

There was a very distinctive bright ray pointing straight up surrounded by a splash of color at the bottom. I thought, I want to be like that...I want to reach up for God so hard that His light falls down and bursts out all around me. For about the millionth time in my life, a sunset brought tears to my eyes. A gift from God, pointing me and encouraging me and making me feel safe with the one he had given me to.
We pulled back onto the road...and my husband asked a simple innocent question that was the perfect lead in to what I wanted to share. And the words burst out of me! We talked the rest of the hour home. And all the way the sun rays chasing along the edge of the sky changed and the colors changed. We would turn a corner and I would catch my breath and stop mid-sentence and say "Oh, it's just so beautiful!" I thought how scared I often am of change, but how, often, change just makes us better. Peter would smile and squeeze my hand and keep driving. Keep going. He often keeps me going! One of Peter's comments led me to look something up online and I stumbled upon this perfect phrase for this perfect moment:
"The finger of God never points to a place where His hand has not already made a way." (A quote from Mandisa!)

Where is God pointing in your life? Where, to what, or whom, is he compelling you, and drawing you? He is patient and loving. And he has already made a way.
The thing is, we have to be willing to change and to go chase the rays. We have to be willing to veer off the safe main road to see the way better. We have to trust the ones he has put in our lives to walk the path us. We just have to follow the light where it points and obediently step in his direction.

How to Get From Here to There

Sometimes, I feel like I’m drowning in the mundane minutes that make up my day. Lately, I feel even more bogged down every second by this feeling that something in my life needs to change. I feel plagued by the thought that I am not doing what I should be doing. It’s like there’s something way over THERE across this great chasm of every-day life and I know I need to be There, but I can’t seem to find the bridge to cross to get There. Then I start thinking, maybe I need to build my own bridge? But when I think that, I feel even more anxious and overwhelmed. Because if I have to stop and build my own bridge, it’s going to take so much time and I’ll have to quit what I’m currently doing and I have things I need to get done here too and who knows how long it could take and how much it will cost to gather the stuff necessary to build the bridge to get There?! And on and on and on my anxious thoughts go.

Where do I even start? It feels impossible.

But then I see people building bridges to get to their There! I see people trudging happily across their own bridges to their own life things. And I start to think, well they are doing it, so I just need to do it! I need to get There…

Maybe I am just scared. Maybe I am just weak. Maybe I just don’t want to put in the effort to start the bridge-building process?  Maybe I just don’t want to think about what it might cost me Here to get There? Maybe I am afraid I will fail?

Or maybe I am afraid that I am wrong and that over There is not my place at all and that I am supposed to just stay Here on this side and be happy over here, and stop counting the minutes Here as mundane! Or, maybe… maybe the problem is that I’m trying to carry too many things with me to There. My load is just too heavy to even think about adding the building materials or the extra necessities. Maybe I just need to learn to manage Here before I can even begin the process to get There?

Ouch. That last sentence struck a nerve.  The great Bridge Builder isn’t going to give me bigger things to manage if I can’t even take care of the little things in front of me well.   

So, back to my question: where do I even start? I guess my answer is, I start Here. Right here where I am. And I do Here the very best that I can before I even start looking over There.  

People Who Show You Their Scars...

I've been wrestling lately with the idea of being willing to openly show my scars to everyone, and overcome by the thought of what if we wore our ugly on the outside?
Over the last several years, I have shared my scars with safe people. And there have been numerous times when God called me to share my scars, my stories, with certain people he brought into my path. There was never a time, not once, when it was an easy thing to do. It is a very hard and vulnerable thing, especially when some of those scars are self-inflicted.
Those scars of self-inflicted choices are the ones that the enemy tells you makes you a failure. You keep them hidden away because you feel like a fraud.
Then there are the scars that come as a result of someone you love. Those are hard to show as well, because they reflect poorly on someone else and you don't want others to look at that person as capable of causing scars.
But here's the real truth...
We ALL have scars. And we are ALL able to cause scars to others.
Some are small and barely noticeable. Some are large and red and jagged and painful to even look at.
A few days ago, I walked into a store behind a woman wearing shorts. One of her legs, around her calf, was profusely scared and mangled and much smaller than the other one. She had a slight limp. I found myself wondering what had happened at the same time I applauded her for her willingness to still wear shorts on a warm day, even though it exposed her pain and disfigurement to the world. I wondered if she thought, This is me, this is who I am, and I will not live in shame.
This weekend at a conference, Sheila Walsh said "Shame tells us we ARE something wrong."
I wondered if this scarred lady decided she was NOT something wrong as she put on her shorts that morning just like everyone else.

I wish I were that free with my hard and painful parts. What if we all were?
My pressing (and scary!) thought lately is that it has to start with someone. And I am someone. (GULP!)
Would I be that brave?
Would I have the courage to bare my scars to the world, knowing that some people will look kindly at me with compassion, but many others will snarl their lip in disgust and turn away, and some people will just ignore it because it makes them uncomfortable.
Being reminded of our weakness and frailty makes us uncomfortable. But it is also comforting to know that we are not alone in our messed up places. We are not the only ones with scars.
But guess what? Our scars do NOT make us weak!
Sometimes I think I am more afraid that if people see my scars, they will think I am weak and stupid and don't love God enough. Or they will think I am lying about my life. Maybe they will wonder what other scars I am still hiding? Maybe you are reading this and wondering what in the world kind of scars I have?
Why do we do that? Well, I think it's because we all keep our scars so well hidden. We especially keep the "bad" ones hidden.
What if...what if people stopped hiding their scars? Then it wouldn't be the strange thing to see people walking into stores with exposed scars. Perfection wouldn't be the norm. It would be normal to see people's battle scars. And we would all have more compassion for each other. We would react differently to someone else's hurt, because we see evidence of past hurts. We would encourage each other more.
We would be FOR each other.
This is hard for me. Because I like to look good. Who doesn't? Having skin cancer last year and having a huge scar on my face has been sort of a wake up call to how vain I am on my outward appearance. But what about how vain we are on our souls?
I think too many people think their soul is prettier than yours.
But we are all a big ol' scarred up mess of flesh.

What if we offered to show our scars first?
It would take courage.
Am I that courageous?
I don't know...

The Beef N' Cheddar That Brought Me Down

I had an appointment this afternoon during my lunch break. I got done a little early and was driving back to work to eat the healthy lunch I brought with me when I drove by an Arby’s and saw a picture of a big, juicy roast beef sandwich with delicious fake cheese oozing out of it. My mouth watered. I wanted one. Immediately, I started justifying all the reasons why it was okay for me to have it…it’s not like I eat them every day; I can always eat a healthy dinner and I’ll eat healthy tomorrow; a little bad every now and then is not too bad…

Before I could even finish all the reasons, I was in the drive-thru line. Now I was stuck in line, so I had committed to this and it would be rude to not follow through!

I bought my sandwich…my big, juicy, scrumptious sandwich.  And curly fries…because, how can you go to Arby’s and NOT get curly fries? I consumed the fries driving back to work and rushed into my office and quickly downed the sandwich because I didn’t want it to get cold!

Really, though, I did it quickly before I could allow myself to feel too bad about it.

I shouldn’t have worried about that, though, because our bad choices always have other consequences that are not so easy to ignore!  An hour later, my bloated and uncomfortable stomach was a constant reminder of what I had done. My too-tight pants might as well have been screaming at me in irritation.

I had eater’s remorse.

It happens to me a lot.

And as I was thinking about that, all of a sudden I was reminded of my Pastor’s sermon Sunday. We’re going through the book the 1^st Peter and this week landed us on chapter 4 verse 1-11.  My Pastor, Adam, basically said that the first 4 verses are talking about God is constantly working to develop our character to be more reflective of Jesus.  He said God is working on us to have our desires to be turned toward him.  Something that stood out big to me was how Adam explained the difference between an impulse and a desire. He said, for example, we were created with a natural impulse to eat in order to stay alive, but we have a DESIRE to eat foods that taste good. The impulse would be to eat, the desire would be to eat cake…or a large meat sandwich that’s dripping with calories.

Anyway, Adam said that verse 3 (For the time that is past suffices for doing what the Gentiles want to do, living in sensuality, passions, drunkenness, orgies, drinking parties, and lawless idolatry) is talking about how when desires run unchecked, and appetites run free, is when our lives get out of control and less reflective of Jesus.

You see, God wants us to CHOOSE to live under his desires, so he gives us the choice.  We have to choose whether or not we’re going to indulge our appetites, give in to our self-pleasing temptations, or limit them. It’s easy to give in.  The enemy WANTS us to give in, so he makes it easy. When we are weak because we haven’t eaten lunch yet and we drive by something alluring, the enemy whispers “This is what you want.”  And we start to consider it, we start to justify it.

Next, you’re sitting in your office with a bloated belly and feelings of self-hatred and disgust and asking “WHY DID I GIVE IN????”

The answer to that was glaringly clear to me today.  I give in to sin, and self-indulgence, and my own desires, because of 3 things:

 1)      I want to more than I don’t want to. 

I know that sounds silly, but it’s true. I’m going to fail more when I’ve set myself up to fail. Whatever I desire the most is what I’m going to lean most towards. Honestly, one is easy, because we can basically just fall naturally into it with our flesh, and the other one, the Godly desires, is hard, it’s takes constant work and effort, because we have to OVERCOME the other one, the fleshly one, in order to feed the spiritual one. Romans chapter 6 perhaps explains this the best: “Don’t let sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your body to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your bodies to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness?

Ya’ll, that last part is big right there…it is saying we enslave ourselves, we choose who to obey!  We have to want what God wants for us MORE than what we want.

2)      I put myself in situations where I’ve failed before, and expect a different outcome.

Today, I knowingly took out cash, just in case I needed it, even though it was out of the budget! I thought about stopping for lunch BEFORE I drove by Arby’s. I put myself in the position of weakness.  I did this, because of the first reason…I already wanted it more than I wanted to be good.  Again, the Apostle Paul understand this and explained it so well in Romans 7: “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

He is saying that he gives in to evil that he knows better than to do and doesn’t really want to do it but he does want to do it and then he does it and feels bad about it…sounds a lot like choices I’ve made in life that are worse than eating a roast beef but also caused aches and pains!

3)      I lie to myself about what makes me happy.

This is a big one. Maybe it should be number one. But it’s a hard one. I thought that big giant sandwich was what I wanted and that it would fulfill my desire, my driving impulse to eat. But it was a lie. It didn’t make me happy. It wasn’t worth it. When I make hard choices, when I deny my desirous appetites, that’s when I really feel happy, and I feel good. Why is it so hard to remember that in the moment? When I’ve spent more time wanting my own way, and I put myself in a situation in which I have failed before, and sin beckons, and that shiny thing looks so good, and I tell myself a hundred reasons why it’s okay…that is why I don’t remember that it doesn’t make me happy. 

So I eat the sandwich, and the fries too (why not, I’ve already messed up?!), and think I’ll be okay. 

But it was a lie.
Because my soul longs for something more than empty calories and meaningless worldly things.
My soul's impulse is for something else, my soul DESIRES for eternal things.
When I was single, I used to read this verse and ponder what it meant:
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalms 37:4
At first, I thought it meant if I was serving God, he would give me what I want. Then, I realized that’s not what it’s saying at all. It’s saying that when you give your soul what it truly longs for, yearning toward the Lord, you will start to desire God’s ways more than your own. So God WILL give you the desires of your heart, because you will submit to him in happiness and joy and delight.
Only then do you see that, by limiting your appetite, you set yourself free!
I enslaved myself to my appetite today. I willingly went where I should not have gone and ate what I should not have eaten (wow…that sounds familiar…ummm, Eve?).

Now that I’ve admitted it, I need to do better.
And that, my friend, is the beginning of the battle!  

In the future, I'm going to try to tell myself this:
If I have to justify reasons why something is okay, it's probably not okay, and I just need to keep driving!
After all...it's not even real cheese!