When He Brings You Out

 I dreaded turning 40.

But not for the same reason most people do.

I dreaded it because of what the number 40 represents in the Bible. It always represents a time of testing and trials and is mostly associated with the Israelites’ 40 years in the wilderness. Which incurrs thoughts of aimless circles and lonely wandering and solitude and more trials.

In 2019, when I was approaching my fortieth birthday, my almost two-decades-long marriage had already been through a really rough previous four years. The idea of even more pressing times of trial and “wilderness” waiting for me up ahead was daunting and exhausting. I completely felt like God was warning me that time in the wilderness was coming. And, frankly, I was a mess. I didn’t want that. 

I pouted and fretted.

I worried and wondered.

One morning, about a week before my birthday, I woke up and lay there ruminating on these heavy thoughts. Finally, I sighed with my eyes still closed, and whispered, “God, I don’t want to go into the wilderness.”

And I felt God whisper back directly into my soul. “Dear one, I’m bringing you OUT.”

My eyes flew open in surprise of both knowing that was God’s voice in my spirit, and of what I knew He said.

Joy flooded my soul and…I immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion of what I thought He was saying. I thought, Oh, my goodness, I have been so focused on thinking turning 40 meant I was going INTO the wilderness that I completely overlooked the fact that I could be turning 40 and LEAVING the wilderness! 

I thought God was telling me I was looking at it wrong.

Which, in fact, He WAS saying that. But I still got “that” wrong.

I jumped up from my bed and bounded through the next week with a spring in my step, thinking my time of trial was almost over and my marriage was about to turn a good corner and we were shortly to be headed into the proverbial “promised land.”

Even when, for the first time in 18 years, my husband forgot my birthday, my 40th birthday, I didn’t let it deter me. I told myself I just had to hang on for a little bit longer, because we were coming out of this “wilderness” season soon! However, the next six months would be the hardest and most painful season of my marriage, and disappointment began to set in. When my husband filed for divorce shortly before my 41st birthday, and informed me I would be formally served with those painful documents, I am somewhat filled with shame that I asked him to please not do it on my birthday. Shame because I had to beg for that small grace, and also because I thought he might have forgotten again that my birthday was up ahead.

I was formally handed the divorce papers four days after my birthday.

Tears of disappointment fell on those papers that night as I cried out to God. As I told Him I was confused and angry. “You said You were bringing us out of the wilderness. I thought You were saying it was going to get better!”

Except…that’s not really what God had said.

That’s how I interpreted what I heard God say.

I would struggle with that same disappointment for the next few years as a divorced single mom. However, I knew God was still with me. I knew He loved me. I tried to trust Him with my trials. I tried to be okay in this wilderness that I thought I wasn’t going to be in.

Then one day, I was reading through Exodus, reading about the Israelites journey out of their slavery in Egypt and through the wilderness, and a repeated phrase finally jarred my memory and my heart. As soon as the Israelites got out of Egypt they started complaining to God. They hadn’t technically even entered the “wilderness season” yet and they were already disappointed. And God multiple times reminded them, “I am the Lord your God, who BROUGHT YOU OUT of the land of Egypt, OUT of the house of slavery.” (Exodus 20:2 and whole bunch of other verses!). God repeatedly implores the whining Israelites to stop focusing so much on the hardship in front of them, trust God to provide, and remember that He brought them out of the place where they had been abused and mistreated.

And suddenly, years after I heard God say those words - I understood.

God wasn’t telling me He was about to bring me out of the wilderness season.

He was telling me to stop focusing or being fearful of what might lay ahead and trust Him because He was bringing me out of the place where I was in bondage, where I was suffering abuse.

Tears flowed from my eyes and I suddenly remembered another verse that I felt like God had been speaking to my heart for years. “He brought me out into a spacious place. He rescued me, because He delighted in me.” Psalm 18:19.

He brought me out.

Because He loved me.

He brought me out of the deep oppression I lived under.

And He led me into wilderness to have some deep communion with Him.

The wilderness is really not a bad place.

The wilderness is where God drew closer to humanity than He had been since the Garden.

The wilderness is where God spoke to them and provided for them and guided them in miraculous ways.

The wilderness is where God provided the Tabernacle for generations to come to worship Him.

The wilderness is where we are told that God spoke to Moses as a man speaks to His friend.

The wilderness is where God leaned into His beloved and rebellious people and taught them they could trust Him.

And I dreaded this wilderness. 

And, yet…here now, 7 years into my 40’s, in my wilderness season…these years are ones that I have experienced some of the most precious and abiding and close moments with God. I have experienced Him as Father, Friend, Husband, Protector, Redeemer, and so many others. 

He indeed brought me out. 

Not because He’s harsh. But because He delighted in me and wanted me to be free to experience Him more.

Friend - do not fear the wilderness.

God is so very good and so much on display on there.

And try not to long for where He brought you out of. Trust Him that you could not have thrived there. 

Another similarity I find with the Israelites is that Egypt was not always a bad place for them. It was not always a place of bondage. For a long time, it was good. It was safe. Then someone changed and intentions and hearts changed, and feelings about the Israelites changed. And it was no longer a good place for them. 

I understand how it can be hard to accept the reality that what was once good and safe - no longer is. 

I understand longing for what you knew in the past over the scary up-ahead unknown future.

I understand feeling like the wilderness journey is lasting far longer than you thought it would!

That’s why God kept reminding them that He brought them out in order to give them a better future up ahead, and He constantly encouraged them to obey Him, trust Him, and keep going.

Read all of Psalm 18. 

That is Who God is to us.

He is the One Who brings us out.

Let’s not fear the 40 up ahead. 

Instead, let us open our hands to receive what is poured out from Him in the wilderness season!

The Way IN and OUT of our Wilderness Season

 Have you ever been in a wilderness season?

Or have you ever gone through the same hard thing twice?

What is the wilderness?

The wilderness is that “in-between” place.

It can be a challenge or a dry spell or an extended time of testing and trials.

It can be a place you feel lonely.

The term “wilderness” comes from the 40 year sojourn the children of Israel (or Jews) did in between leaving Egypt, where they were slaves, and entering the land that was promised to them which would become the Israel of today. In Christian circles, it is often referenced as a negative thing. Mostly because the children of Israel were such rebellious brats the majority of their time there!

But I would say a wilderness season is a challenging but necessary period in a Christian’s life where God works to shape their character, deepen their faith, and prepare them for what lies ahead.

It is often the painful pathway that leads to peace. And promise.

And you know what I realized recently?

Going INTO and coming OUT of the wilderness looks very similar.

They are like mirrored bookends on both sides of wilderness.

The children of Israel came out of the wilderness in exact reverse of the way they went in.

Both sides had them experiencing water from a rock and both sides had them crossing deep waters.

With the wilderness in between.

They literally - 

Crossed deep waters on dry ground (the Red Sea)

Drank water from the Rock in a miraculous way

Went through a wilderness journey (pillar by day and cloud by night)

Drank water from the Rock in a miraculous way

Then crossed deep waters on dry ground (Jordan River)

Why did God do that? 

Why did he repeat the same thing going out of the wilderness as he did going in? And does He do that in our lives?

I think so. 

I think it’s because what looks like a wilderness is often a spacious place of provision and protection and preparation. 

Because we grow through what we go through.

Which means we have to go through some stuff! Sometimes more than once.

Have you ever gone through something hard and you made it through (thank you Jesus!), and then months or years later, you feel like you are going through the same thing again?

And the second time through did you ever ask (like me recently) “Really, God? Really? The first time wasn’t hard enough? I have to go through this AGAIN?”

I know I feel like I’m experiencing that “repeat” this year, and I asked that question and then one day in scripture, I saw these mirrored bookends on each end of the wilderness.

I think it’s because the first time we go through it, He wants to show who He is to everyone - including US. He wants us to know we can trust Him with what He’s taking us through and into. 

Exodus 14:4, God tells Moses why he pushed the Israelites to the edge of the Red Sea when they were leaving Egypt, and Pharoah’s army was pursuing them, where they had no way of escape. It says, “and he (Pharoah) will pursue them, and I will get glory over Pharoah and all his host, and the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD.”

God intentionally put them in an impossible situation at the end of their own capabilities. The Israelites were afraid and they immediately complained and lamented that they were going to die there and “Why moses did you just bring us out for us to die like this??” (Spoiler alert…they constantly ask this for 40 years!)

But verse 13-14 tells us why - “Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The LORD will fight for you, and you just have to be still.”

But they still didn’t really get it. 

They had to see it. 

They had to go through it.

They had to see Moses lift his staff, and see the waters part, and THEN they stepped (probably ran, still unsure) across the dry ground, and on the other side they saw the waters fall and wipe out their enemy.

The end of chapter 14, verse 31 says, “Israel saw the great power that the LORD used against the Egyptians, so the people feared the LORD, and they believed in the LORD and in his servant Moses.”

The first time through deep water, before going into the wilderness - they had to see it. They had to see God part the waters. THEN they believed in the LORD.

Then the first thing they did after that was complain about the journey and that they were thirsty. So God miraculously provides water gushing from a rock! 

God is patient, and He knew they still didn’t completely believe Him. They didn’t KNOW him. So he took them into the wilderness and on a 40 year field trip and constantly showed them Who He is. He was truly so good to them there. 

The Bible says it was there in the wilderness that God talked with Moses face-to-face like a man talks to his friend. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT INTIMACY LEVEL ON EARTH? 

It was in the wilderness that He gave them instructions and led them through building the tabernacle and the Ark of Covenant. 

It was in the wilderness that He provided miracle after miracle for them.

It was in the wilderness that He was so near them, and around them, speaking to them - every single day.

Then one day it was time to move on. He told them it was time to move because they had been “at this mountain” long enough. What we call a wilderness season God called a mountaintop experience! He was basically saying, training camp is over. It’s time to get back into the real world.

First thing they did? Complain about being thirsty again and so God again provides water from a rock.

Then he tells them, right before they are going to miraculously cross another body of water on dry ground, to keep their eyes on the Ark of the Covenant (on HIM) for they “haven’t gone this way before.” 

What? But I thought they did this same thing when they crossed the Red Sea?

Well - sort of. But this time, God asked them to step INTO the waters before they part. Moses isn’t there. He isn’t asking them to follow anyone except Him.

God asked them to take steps of faith.

I think God was asking them trust Him. They had just spent 40 years seeing Him be faithful and powerful and awesome and close. 

Would they go through the waters differently this time on their way out? 

And I think that’s how we have victory in our wilderness seasons. When we realize the wilderness is a training ground. When we appreciate getting to experience the nearness of God there in the dry spells and the time of need. The wilderness is where we SEE and EXPERIENCE and KNOW God is for us.

God uses the wilderness to shift our perspective of who WE ARE and Who HE IS.

And one day, it’s time to come out of the wilderness. Hooray!

But guess what? Coming out looks a lot like going in.

Will we step into those deep waters with deep faith?

“And Joshua said to the people of Israel, “Come here and listen to the words of the Lord your God.” And Joshua said, “Here is how you shall know that the living God is among you and that he will without fail drive out from before you (all your enemies). 

Behold, the ark of the covenant of the Lord of all the earth is passing over before you into the Jordan. and as soon as those bearing the ark had come as far as the Jordan, and the feet of the priests bearing the ark were dipped in the brink of the water - the waters coming down from above stood and rose up in a heap very far away…And the people passed over opposite Jericho.”

‭‭Joshua‬ ‭3‬:‭9‬-‭11‬, ‭15‬-‭16‬ 

I think God takes us through deep waters again, because WE come out differently than we went in. 

In verse 13 of this chapter in Joshua it says when they passed over the waters they were “ready for war.”

They had seen what God could do. They had experienced God’s presence and provision.

They weren’t afraid this time.

And this time God asks them to go deeper on the other side. 

He tells them to step into the water before it parts. He tells them to keep their eye on the Ark of the Covenant. And, it means it wasn’t going to be easy sailing on the other side! Training camp was over. The promised land would require hard work.

In the next chapter, Joshua reminds them of God’s faithfulness:

Joshua‬ ‭4‬:‭23‬-‭24‬  “For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan for you until you passed over, as the Lord your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we passed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, that you may fear the Lord your God forever.”

Coming out - they followed God and kept their eyes on Him.

And His glory was on full display.

So, if you feel like there comes a time when you feel like you are repeating some deep waters, instead of bemoaning why you have to go through them again, ask yourself these things:

1. How am I different now than I was last time?

2. What are the ways I saw God’s character last time?

3. How can I put Him on display?

4. Will I trust Him and step into the waters?

5. Am I moving through these waters ready for war, and believing God will fight for me?

We always come out better than we went in when we keep our eyes on Him.

A Limitless View of God

 I’ve been thinking a lot the last few months about my tendency to limit God by the limits that I, myself, am most comfortable working in. 

If something doesn’t seem to make sense or I think I just don’t want to do something, I tend to shut down my willingness to put in the effort and avoid the change required to do the hard thing. 

Years ago when I was facing a big shift in my life, and was struggling with it, I talked to my Pastor and asked a million questions. I really just wanted it to make sense and wanted him to help me make it make sense! The analytical part of my brain couldn’t get on board with what the spiritual part was leaning towards. 

Frankly, I was scared of change. 

And what the change might cost me. And so I had placed limits on what was reasonable.

But I felt this deep uncomfortableness inside myself, like I had outgrown the clothes I was wearing and yet was still trying to make them fit every day! I liked those “clothes.” I didn’t want to have to break new ones in. 

But that’s what growth and maturity of any kind forces us to do, right? To shift into something new.

My Pastor told me a decade ago that I was in a paradigm shift…a fundamental change in the basic concepts and practices I was used to. And that only I could ultimately decide whether to stay the same or step into the change. He cautioned me to cover it in much prayer and ask for wisdom and discernment and to ask for a willing heart no matter which way God led me.

What I learned during that next season is that no change happens if we limit our movement, and it does not come without certain trepidations. It almost certainly takes a continuous daily surrendering to God. With a willing prayer to “expand my borders, God.” 

It takes movement. 

And surrendering our need to place our own borders.

The enemy will try his best to get you to turn back, to get you to fear, to stir up your anxiety…to make you question your current path. 

The most confusing thing along the way is that you may wonder - what if God is the one trying to get me to turn back around? 

There’s no easy answer there. 

I wish there were. But ultimately it’s about trust.

Just know:

- hard and scary doesn’t mean “bad” (2 Cor 4:16-18)

- “confusion” is often linked to our own inner battle with fear and surrender and is not always an indicator of “wrong.” God’s power is on display in our weakness! (2 Cor 12)

- constantly questioning things along the way is a good thing! Stop and take stock of where you are! Listen to wise voices, even those that disagree, and ask God to give you clear discernment for YOUR journey. (Psalm 1)

And every step of the way, dig deep into God’s Word, and ask him to help you see Him clearly there and guide your steps according to HIS word…not yours and anyone else’s. 

Guard your heart, seek truth…but also be willing to look at things in a way you never have before. Be willing to let God expand your borders, give you a new wardrobe, and guide you on a new path. Don’t be afraid to live with limitless view of God! 

Take the Joshua 3:4 point of view - the whole-picture view because “you’ve never gone this way before.”  

Allow God to shift your perspective. And listen for His voice guiding you on the next step.

Why Do People Lie?

 “Why do you think people lie?”

Last week, I had to appear for Jury Duty. A group of us sat in the courtroom to be vetted, and during this process, the Prosecutor asked us this question: Why do you think people lie?

There were lots of answers given:

* To try to hide something

* Because they are ashamed of the truth

* To make themselves look better

* To get away with something 

But my favorite answer was given by an older gentleman. He said, “Because they believe the lie is more beneficial to them than the truth.”

Wow. 

That sums it all up, doesn’t it?

Lies have always been Satan’s favorite tool. He loves to twist the truth so that the lie he offers seems more beneficial to us than the truth.

But the truth is - lies destroy lives.

…Lies people believe about themselves, their identity and their worth.

…Lies people tell to justify their actions; their behavior and their choices. 

…Lies we hear from the media and culture.

…Lies we let in to relationships.

Lies destroy lives. Whatever the lie is - it the opposite of truth.

And truth equals freedom. Truth brings peace and life. Truth builds trust and a solid foundation. 

Truth builds. 

Lies break. 

The biggest lie is the lie itself - the lie is NOT more beneficial to you in the long run. It ultimately costs you so much more than any “benefit” it ever erroneously offered. It always leads you down into the pit of destruction. 

At church Sunday, the Pastor said, “Faith always takes risks.” 

The Greek word for “faith” in Hebrews 11 can mean: "belief, trust, fidelity, firm persuasion." I found it interesting that the word "fidelity" was rooted in the word "faith." The definition of fidelity is "faithfulness, continuing loyalty, and support." 

Trust builds support. It's a foundation. There’s risk involved in trust. It’s fragile. Precious. It CAN be broken. But the greater risk is in choosing the lie.

This attached picture of the sandcastle is so poignant. 

It took time and attention and work to build that sandcastle. One lie can destroy it. We believe lies that destroy ourselves, our families, our communities, our faith. The enemy of our souls has ALWAYS tried to get us to believe lies that distort God's truth. The lie is never more beneficial. It always comes with a cost.

In the words of my smart daughter - “The possible payoff (benefit) is not worth the risk.”

God's word is truth. God ways are truth. Truth equals freedom. Seek truth. Pursue truth. Live the one and only truth. 

The Good That Comes from the Bad

 

Reading this post from 2015 is one of those moments in hindsight that I can see God gently and lovingly preparing me for what was up ahead.

I couldn't see it then. All I could see then was that I couldn't be with my children. I loved the 10 years I was home with my babies. I struggled hard with resistance to changing that, but I knew God was telling me to get a job outside the home. As soon as I did, I struggled with depression and guilt. It was hard for me to adjust to the new phase of "working mom." It didn't feel like the right choice. 

But God knew…

God knew that later this same year something painful was going to happen that would start a new and even harder shift in my "perfect" home life.
God knew that four years later, I would face the daunting journey of being a SINGLE working mom.
God knew what adjustments and changes and pain and heartaches were waiting around the corner.
And He invited me to step away from my comfort zone, go where I was scared to go, do what I didn’t want to do, because He knew it was the best plan for me AND my kids. He was preparing me for what was ahead.

And I certainly dragged my heels and lamented the change. 

Now I see it differently. I can't even imagine how much harder the divorce process would have been on me if I had to make ALL those changes then. It would have been overwhelming. Even the TYPE of job I ended up in helped me walk through a journey I never would have guessed awaited me. 

Now I see all those times of disappointment and discouragement as wonderful guiding steps from a Father who cares about me.

 
It’s good to look back on your life and acknowledge those areas where you struggled at the time, but now see God’s clear hand of provision and protection within that struggle! I need to remind myself of those truths every day. Because I certainly will have more struggles and more hard times. Hopefully, I will rest in God's great and loving hands in those moments and know He is working out a better plan.

Do You Want to Get Well

If you are spending all your time and effort constantly trying to drag someone else away from the edge of a cliff, trying to rescue them from their poor choices - it’s not healthy. It will only exhaust you and put your life in danger as well. 

You are not responsible for making sure someone else makes good choices. 

You cannot “love someone enough” to change them. They have to decide to change for themselves. 

If they really want to go over the cliff, sooner or later - they will. The only choice you really have is whether you let them take you with them. 

It’s scary and hard to let go. I know. 

I struggled on the edge of that cliff myself several times, clinging tightly to my person, trying to keep them safe, feeling like it was my responsibility, my duty. I know that you physically hurt at the thought of watching them fall. I know you feel like if you let go, it means you’re giving up on them. 

You are not.

Please hear me say that again - letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means you are giving them over. It means you are surrendering them to the consequences of their choices and finally trusting God with their life and with your own. It means you’ve decided to stop striving; to stop participating in behavior that hurts you. And that surrender will ultimately lead to a place of so much peace and healing for you. 

If they choose to go down into the pit - dear friend, let go. And ask God to help you. 

Did you know that the Hebrew word in the Bible that means “be still” also means “let go?” 

It’s the verb, “raphah.” 

So, in the well-known verse of Psalm 46:10, when it says, “Be still, and know that I am God” it is also essentially saying “Let go, stop striving, surrender - and see that I am God, and I am in control. Not you.” Even more interestingly, the root word of this word is “rapha” (minus the last ‘h’), and it means “to heal.” 

Letting go is a pathway to healing. That’s really beautiful when you think about it. And really hard. We often think holding on and tightly grasping onto control is the way we make something better…safer. But the healing is found when we let go. 

Several months ago, I sat in my therapist’s office, crying on her couch for the umpteenth time because of a broken heart and broken dreams. She told me, “You have to find a way to let go of ____.” At the time, I remember thinking in frustration, “Okay, fine, what is the way to do that? I am so ready to not be this sad messy human!” 

I wish I could tell you I found the exact 3 step method! But the truth is, all of our paths look different. So, the way there is different for each of us. But the key, the first step, is the same! 

The key is where we go to find the way. Do we go to self-help books? Church? Teachers? Friends? Ourselves? 

Or do we truly surrender our healing to Jehovah-Rapha, the Great Healer? Do we let go of our need to figure it out, and just “raphah” to “Rapha?” 

Stop looking for healing in places that cannot heal you. It's like going to a mechanic because YOU are sick! Or taking your car to your family doctor! In their places, in the right context, those things are helpful. But healing is only found in the hands of the Healer.

You also can't heal what you won't reveal. If you go to the doctor because you have a gaping wound on your arm, but you tell them your stomach hurts, your arm is not going to get treatment, and it's probably only going to get worse. Similarly, you can drag someone else to the doctor...but you cannot make them be honest about what is really making them sick if they don't want to heal. They have to choose it for themselves. That's the reason Jesus asked the paralytic man at the pool of Bethesda, "Do you want to get well? Then pick up your bed and walk." The path toward healing was offered, the steps away from the edge of the cliff were made clear, but the man had to actively choose it and participate in it himself. (John 5)

Trying to heal that other person will never, ever heal them or you. Trying to be the perfect spouse will never, ever heal a marriage in which the other person is self-destructing. Trying to heal yourself without giving yourself completely to the Healer will never produce lasting change. 

You cannot change yourself by yourself. And you cannot change someone else. 

You have to let go. You have to be still, quiet your heart, stop trying to control what scares you, and let God be God. He’s so much better at it than we are! Do you want to get well? Listen and obey the Healer.

When God Burns Your Ships...

Have you heard the phrase, "Burn the ships?"  

It dates back to the 1500s when a Spanish explorer sailed to a new land. The story goes that once he hit land, he burned and destroyed all his ships so that he and his crew could not give up and get back on their ships. They had no choice but to press forward in the new place. There’s a story in the Bible that also shows this - when Elisha burnt his plow before he left to follow God. And in Isaiah 43:18-19, God tells the children of Israel, who are longing for Egypt where they were SLAVES, to

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” 

Sometimes, the new means God burns our ships.

I painted this picture last year.  

It's taken me a year to be healthy enough to share it and write about it.

By: Deon Sexton

It was done using a technique called Fumage, which basically means "painting with fire." You use flames and smoke to create depth and dimension, shadows and edges. Then you use different mediums to go back in and add details.  

For my Art class's Master Final last year, we had to pick an artist’s work we had learned about, then recreate it and put our spin on it. I had been drawn to Steven Spazuk’s Fumage technique from the moment we learned about it in class. And as a bonus, Spazuk often incorporates birds into his work! Birds have been special to me since my husband left. God has often filled my heart with hope through birds. I especially felt drawn to cardinals, specifically two female cardinals that would visit my porch every morning. When I researched female cardinals, I smiled to see they are considered to represent hope and healing. I definitely needed some of that! 

 

My painting is based on Spazuk’s untitled piece (below). He showcased a woman rising up out of a Zippo lighter, birds taking flight as though they came from inside her. As soon as I saw it, I knew this was the one. I absolutely needed to recreate this piece and make it mine.

Painting by: Steven Spazuk

And I knew - I would mix real ashes of my broken marriage in with the paint…literally beauty from ashes.

You see, one of the most painful things that happened during my divorce was that my husband burned the book of all of the love notes and emails from before we wed. It was a thick book. And I love - LOVE - words and stories. So good words are like big hugs.

That book was one of my most treasured items. It chronicled the story of our love, of how God brought us together, of our prayers for each other and our journey. It told of our dedication to each other and to God. And after my husband discarded me, he took it and burned it and then he lied about it. Like so many other things at the end of our marriage, it was one more pattern of painful devastation followed by lies and gaslighting. I had to dig through the fire pit with my bare hands and find remnants of it in order to prove he had burned it. Finding those discarded pieces of something precious to me had crushed me completely. Crying beside those ashes is a moment I still consider to be THE moment I truly grieved the loss of the life I had known. But that night, feeling led by God, I had scooped the charred pages and ashes out of the pit and kept them... for two years. 

Now, I would turn them into beauty and hope and healing. 

I would make this picture my own. 

Instead of the Zippo lighter at the bottom of Spazuk’s, which is very detailed and intricate, looks expensive and is more of a focal point, I wanted my bursting forth point to be a dark and damaged cheap cardboard box that didn’t draw the eye. I wanted it to look crumpled. I wanted the girl in my piece to be victoriously raising one arm in praise. And I knew instead of the blackbirds/sparrows Spazuk had in his painting, I absolutely wanted to include my beloved female cardinal in all her muted strength. 

The first step was to prepare the paper. And then begin burning it to make shadows and shapes, using smoke and soot. The second step was to go back and paint in the details. The third step for me was to add the ash. Tears seeped from my eyes as I used my fingers to grind up the ashes from my love story, and mix them in with my paint.

The cardinals are where the ashes are. Not on the girl. Not on her. She had to let them go. They are mixed in with the wings of the cardinals. They are flying away into the sky. They are rising above it all.

 

I love the way it turned out.

God often draws my eye to this painting on days when I forget the truth of my story, when I get focused again on the box. Those birds of hope and healing burst up out of that cheap box, leading the girl to freedom. They are free. Born of fire and pain. But that pain is what opened the box and set her free. And that is what this painting represents to me. Freedom and healing. Coming out of something that I didn’t realize was so small and so painful and so cheap. 

 

As I have gazed at this painting this last year, I realized that I spent a lot of time in life focusing on the box.

Feeling sad that the box was torn and crumpled.

Sad that the box was not the place of safety I thought it would be.

Wishing the box were different.

Trying to fix the box myself.

Trying to convince myself that I missed the box once I was out of it!

Even trying to get back in that broken box.

I lied to myself for a long time about what my marriage really was, what it had become. I thought if I just kept the flaps pulled closed, endured the heat, kept everything inside the box, that it would be okay.  

Sometimes we pick the painful known thing over the scary unknown thing, even if it's burning us.

I didn’t know it, but the old stuff needed to be burned away in order for me to move forward. I NEEDED God to burn that ship.

 

This is what God revealed to me through my painting, and through this process.

  

God knew I was devoted and committed to that love story of mine. God knew I would keep going back to those words and promises in that old book, longing for them and living for them. He knew I would get stuck grieving for what had been. God knew I would stay trapped there in a story that was no longer true.

So, He allowed my husband to burn it so I wouldn’t go back.

God allowed him to destroy it because it was no longer good or healthy for me there. Like Lot’s wife, and like the children of Israel, I would have kept looking back and longing for what God had rescued me out of. He had to burn it. I didn’t need access to it anymore. It was an old chapter. But it wasn’t the whole story. It was just a chapter. And that chapter brought me where I am today. It molded me into who I am today. Satan may have meant it for evil, but God has certainly already used it for good!

God knew I wasn’t strong enough to break free of that box on my own. So, He allowed the box to be set on fire, added heat to force me out, and gave me birds of hope and healing to carry me and sustain me like manna in the wilderness. 

 

Today, when I look at this painting, that dark box is small. Minute. It’s only a part of the painting. The girl and the birds, the beautiful colors, and the freedom there… they are the focal point. They are truly beauty from ashes.

And I like living in that space much, much more.  

 

Today, February 1, would have been my 20th Anniversary. I have struggled on this day the last two years. It was heavy and sad. Suffocating. Grievous. But I realized recently that those feelings only overtake me when I begin to focus again on the broken box. I want to focus instead on lifting my hands in praise and being willing to go wherever the God of hope and healing leads me.

 

When we spend our time trapped in what was, lost in what could have been, we rob ourselves of the beauty of the day.

Today is one more day that I have been out of that box that was killing me, suffocating me, and quenching the Spirit. God brought me out of it. And today, on THIS February 1, I have felt just fine. Today, on this particular day, I finally hung my painting up in my house. I put it on display, owned the truth of it and gave it its own space! It's right outside my bedroom door where I see it every morning and every night, to constantly remind me that...

"He brought me out into a spacious place: He rescued me because He delighted in me." 

Psalm 18:19