I dreaded turning 40.
But not for the same reason most people do.
I dreaded it because of what the number 40 represents in the Bible. It always represents a time of testing and trials and is mostly associated with the Israelites’ 40 years in the wilderness. Which incurrs thoughts of aimless circles and lonely wandering and solitude and more trials.
In 2019, when I was approaching my fortieth birthday, my almost two-decades-long marriage had already been through a really rough previous four years. The idea of even more pressing times of trial and “wilderness” waiting for me up ahead was daunting and exhausting. I completely felt like God was warning me that time in the wilderness was coming. And, frankly, I was a mess. I didn’t want that.
I pouted and fretted.
I worried and wondered.
One morning, about a week before my birthday, I woke up and lay there ruminating on these heavy thoughts. Finally, I sighed with my eyes still closed, and whispered, “God, I don’t want to go into the wilderness.”
And I felt God whisper back directly into my soul. “Dear one, I’m bringing you OUT.”
My eyes flew open in surprise of both knowing that was God’s voice in my spirit, and of what I knew He said.
Joy flooded my soul and…I immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion of what I thought He was saying. I thought, Oh, my goodness, I have been so focused on thinking turning 40 meant I was going INTO the wilderness that I completely overlooked the fact that I could be turning 40 and LEAVING the wilderness!
I thought God was telling me I was looking at it wrong.
Which, in fact, He WAS saying that. But I still got “that” wrong.
I jumped up from my bed and bounded through the next week with a spring in my step, thinking my time of trial was almost over and my marriage was about to turn a good corner and we were shortly to be headed into the proverbial “promised land.”
Even when, for the first time in 18 years, my husband forgot my birthday, my 40th birthday, I didn’t let it deter me. I told myself I just had to hang on for a little bit longer, because we were coming out of this “wilderness” season soon! However, the next six months would be the hardest and most painful season of my marriage, and disappointment began to set in. When my husband filed for divorce shortly before my 41st birthday, and informed me I would be formally served with those painful documents, I am somewhat filled with shame that I asked him to please not do it on my birthday. Shame because I had to beg for that small grace, and also because I thought he might have forgotten again that my birthday was up ahead.
I was formally handed the divorce papers four days after my birthday.
Tears of disappointment fell on those papers that night as I cried out to God. As I told Him I was confused and angry. “You said You were bringing us out of the wilderness. I thought You were saying it was going to get better!”
Except…that’s not really what God had said.
That’s how I interpreted what I heard God say.
I would struggle with that same disappointment for the next few years as a divorced single mom. However, I knew God was still with me. I knew He loved me. I tried to trust Him with my trials. I tried to be okay in this wilderness that I thought I wasn’t going to be in.
Then one day, I was reading through Exodus, reading about the Israelites journey out of their slavery in Egypt and through the wilderness, and a repeated phrase finally jarred my memory and my heart. As soon as the Israelites got out of Egypt they started complaining to God. They hadn’t technically even entered the “wilderness season” yet and they were already disappointed. And God multiple times reminded them, “I am the Lord your God, who BROUGHT YOU OUT of the land of Egypt, OUT of the house of slavery.” (Exodus 20:2 and whole bunch of other verses!). God repeatedly implores the whining Israelites to stop focusing so much on the hardship in front of them, trust God to provide, and remember that He brought them out of the place where they had been abused and mistreated.
And suddenly, years after I heard God say those words - I understood.
God wasn’t telling me He was about to bring me out of the wilderness season.
He was telling me to stop focusing or being fearful of what might lay ahead and trust Him because He was bringing me out of the place where I was in bondage, where I was suffering abuse.
Tears flowed from my eyes and I suddenly remembered another verse that I felt like God had been speaking to my heart for years. “He brought me out into a spacious place. He rescued me, because He delighted in me.” Psalm 18:19.
He brought me out.
Because He loved me.
He brought me out of the deep oppression I lived under.
And He led me into wilderness to have some deep communion with Him.
The wilderness is really not a bad place.
The wilderness is where God drew closer to humanity than He had been since the Garden.
The wilderness is where God spoke to them and provided for them and guided them in miraculous ways.
The wilderness is where God provided the Tabernacle for generations to come to worship Him.
The wilderness is where we are told that God spoke to Moses as a man speaks to His friend.
The wilderness is where God leaned into His beloved and rebellious people and taught them they could trust Him.
And I dreaded this wilderness.
And, yet…here now, 7 years into my 40’s, in my wilderness season…these years are ones that I have experienced some of the most precious and abiding and close moments with God. I have experienced Him as Father, Friend, Husband, Protector, Redeemer, and so many others.
He indeed brought me out.
Not because He’s harsh. But because He delighted in me and wanted me to be free to experience Him more.
Friend - do not fear the wilderness.
God is so very good and so much on display on there.
And try not to long for where He brought you out of. Trust Him that you could not have thrived there.
Another similarity I find with the Israelites is that Egypt was not always a bad place for them. It was not always a place of bondage. For a long time, it was good. It was safe. Then someone changed and intentions and hearts changed, and feelings about the Israelites changed. And it was no longer a good place for them.
I understand how it can be hard to accept the reality that what was once good and safe - no longer is.
I understand longing for what you knew in the past over the scary up-ahead unknown future.
I understand feeling like the wilderness journey is lasting far longer than you thought it would!
That’s why God kept reminding them that He brought them out in order to give them a better future up ahead, and He constantly encouraged them to obey Him, trust Him, and keep going.
Read all of Psalm 18.
That is Who God is to us.
He is the One Who brings us out.
Let’s not fear the 40 up ahead.
Instead, let us open our hands to receive what is poured out from Him in the wilderness season!
