A Limitless View of God

 I’ve been thinking a lot the last few months about my tendency to limit God by the limits that I, myself, am most comfortable working in. 

If something doesn’t seem to make sense or I think I just don’t want to do something, I tend to shut down my willingness to put in the effort and avoid the change required to do the hard thing. 

Years ago when I was facing a big shift in my life, and was struggling with it, I talked to my Pastor and asked a million questions. I really just wanted it to make sense and wanted him to help me make it make sense! The analytical part of my brain couldn’t get on board with what the spiritual part was leaning towards. 

Frankly, I was scared of change. 

And what the change might cost me. And so I had placed limits on what was reasonable.

But I felt this deep uncomfortableness inside myself, like I had outgrown the clothes I was wearing and yet was still trying to make them fit every day! I liked those “clothes.” I didn’t want to have to break new ones in. 

But that’s what growth and maturity of any kind forces us to do, right? To shift into something new.

My Pastor told me a decade ago that I was in a paradigm shift…a fundamental change in the basic concepts and practices I was used to. And that only I could ultimately decide whether to stay the same or step into the change. He cautioned me to cover it in much prayer and ask for wisdom and discernment and to ask for a willing heart no matter which way God led me.

What I learned during that next season is that no change happens if we limit our movement, and it does not come without certain trepidations. It almost certainly takes a continuous daily surrendering to God. With a willing prayer to “expand my borders, God.” 

It takes movement. 

And surrendering our need to place our own borders.

The enemy will try his best to get you to turn back, to get you to fear, to stir up your anxiety…to make you question your current path. 

The most confusing thing along the way is that you may wonder - what if God is the one trying to get me to turn back around? 

There’s no easy answer there. 

I wish there were. But ultimately it’s about trust.

Just know:

- hard and scary doesn’t mean “bad” (2 Cor 4:16-18)

- “confusion” is often linked to our own inner battle with fear and surrender and is not always an indicator of “wrong.” God’s power is on display in our weakness! (2 Cor 12)

- constantly questioning things along the way is a good thing! Stop and take stock of where you are! Listen to wise voices, even those that disagree, and ask God to give you clear discernment for YOUR journey. (Psalm 1)

And every step of the way, dig deep into God’s Word, and ask him to help you see Him clearly there and guide your steps according to HIS word…not yours and anyone else’s. 

Guard your heart, seek truth…but also be willing to look at things in a way you never have before. Be willing to let God expand your borders, give you a new wardrobe, and guide you on a new path. Don’t be afraid to live with limitless view of God! 

Take the Joshua 3:4 point of view - the whole-picture view because “you’ve never gone this way before.”  

Allow God to shift your perspective. And listen for His voice guiding you on the next step.

24...Two Whole Years on My Own

 (originally written in October 2022)

Twenty-four months.

I have lived on my own for twenty-four months.

On this particular day in October 2020, my kids and I returned from a beautiful week on the beaches of the Emerald Shores with my mom and sister. My husband picked us up at the airport and my kids jabbered to him on the way home about their vacation. When we got home, I rolled my suitcase into my closet and stopped in shock. My husband’s side of the closet was completely empty. Bare. I whirled and looked at the nightstand on his side of the bed. Empty. When I asked him about it, he told me he had moved out while we were gone. Just like that. Then he hugged the kids - and he left.

That night, I sat in the floor in that closet, staring at the large empty space where his stuff had shared space with my stuff for almost eighteen years, and wept in shock and sadness and hurt and fear. That moment will probably always be a marked moment in my mind, even more so then the day he told me he wanted a divorce. There was something so harshly final and cruel and lonely about that unexpected empty closet.

I didn’t know how I would make it on my own. Financially, it was impossible. I had no savings on my own. My husband had withdrawn it all and closed our savings account the day before he told me he wanted a divorce. I didn’t make enough money on my own to even pay all the bills, much less merely live.

But God held my heart that night in that empty closet, and He asked me to trust Him to fill all my empty places. And He proceeded to show me every day just how trustworthy He is.

Twenty-four months.

For twenty-four months God has supplied my every need. He has given me abundantly more than I ever dreamed. He has been my second income for twenty-four months. And He has never, ever not provided for me.

• When I didn’t know how I would afford to hire a divorce attorney - a friend handed me a check for two thousand dollars and said, “This is a gift. Go get an attorney. Let me know if you need more.”

• When my refrigerator broke - a friend purchased a brand new one for me and had it delivered that day.

• When I needed a new car when used cars were more expensive than ever, but I only had small funds - a friend basically gave me her Jeep before she moved across the country.

• When I thought I was $250 short one month due to medical bills, I got a refund in the mail for $250 from another doctor I had “overpaid.”

• Though many people resented the COVID stimulus funds - that unexpected extra income got me through many of those first months in 2020.

• When I had a limited amount of time to refinance my house to remove my ex-husband’s name or risk losing the home for my kids...and it looked like it would indeed be lost - God orchestrated a series of crazy unexplainable events which equated to people handing me the necessary money and closing on my house with three days to spare.

• Last year, I felt like God was telling me to go to school. I hesitated because I kept asking, for what? But God just said, Go. So, I researched a couple schools, found one that I thought would not be super expensive, and I went. But then - I found out my job pays for one course a semester, so that helped! But wait! Then, thanks to my single income and single mom of two dependents status, I more than qualified for several grants. So, unexpectedly, not only is school costing me NOTHING, but I am also getting PAID to go. It’s providing extra income! God knew that would happen. I didn’t. He knew it would serve a dual purpose. He knew my circumstances provided me with a perfect set-up to build my future.

I have stories like that for every month.

For twenty-four months.

I can’t even remember them all. And not just my needs! God is so gracious that He gives us MORE. Exceedingly more!

• When I wanted to take my kids to ride roller coasters for the first time before my son graduated, but it would be expensive, God gave me the EXACT amount of three season passes in an unexpected work bonus and I knew God said - Go build memories with your kids!

• When I saw a Christian music camp that my son would love that cost $800, and found out they were giving away one scholarship, I asked everyone I knew to nominate Caynin. He didn’t win - but God still had perfect timing in an better gift, and a friend randomly offered to sponsor him and wrote me a check that day for $800.

Unexpectedly.

Abundantly.

God continually heaps unexpected blessings and kindness and goodness on me.

Sometimes in big ways. Sometimes in small things, like unexpected paid time off of work when I’m feeling overwhelmed!

We will always have unexpected, good and bad things in our lives. God redeems them all. All things work together for the good of those who love Him, according to His purpose.

He has a purpose and a plan for every unexpected thing in our lives.

My divorce was completely unexpected.

I never thought it could happen. Not to us.

But through these last twenty-four months, in the middle of the saddest thing in my life, I have also experienced the most joy with God and the most abundant blessings from my Savior.

When I felt abandoned and unloved by the man who promised to be with me forever, I ended up feeling more seen and loved and cared for by the God of the universe than I ever have.

When I felt like my expected future was taken from me, God showed me that the unexpected plans He has are far better than any of my expectations.

Twenty-four months ago, I sat in that empty closet listening to the enemy tell me things were impossible, that I was unloved and not worth fighting for.

In my despair, I almost listened.

But, like Psalm 40 says - “God drew me out of the pit and He set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings. He has put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many shall see and fear and put their trust and confident reliance in the Lord. Blessed (happy, fortunate) is the man who makes the Lord his refuge and trust, who does not turn to the proud, or to those who go astray after a lie!”

24 has always been my favorite number.

It’s fitting that twenty-four months after sitting in that closet of despair I am now standing in absolute joy and blessing and the fullness of the love of the Lord.

That’s what God can do.

 

He sees you, friend. Right there in your desolate place.

In your empty closet.

In your brokenheartedness and loneliness.

He’s holding out His hand, asking you to trust Him. And you can! You can trust Him with all the unexpected things.

God's unexpected way is so much better than our expected plans.

When it feels impossible, it’s just a huge opportunity for God to do the unexpected!

Why Do People Lie?

 “Why do you think people lie?”

Last week, I had to appear for Jury Duty. A group of us sat in the courtroom to be vetted, and during this process, the Prosecutor asked us this question: Why do you think people lie?

There were lots of answers given:

* To try to hide something

* Because they are ashamed of the truth

* To make themselves look better

* To get away with something 

But my favorite answer was given by an older gentleman. He said, “Because they believe the lie is more beneficial to them than the truth.”

Wow. 

That sums it all up, doesn’t it?

Lies have always been Satan’s favorite tool. He loves to twist the truth so that the lie he offers seems more beneficial to us than the truth.

But the truth is - lies destroy lives.

…Lies people believe about themselves, their identity and their worth.

…Lies people tell to justify their actions; their behavior and their choices. 

…Lies we hear from the media and culture.

…Lies we let in to relationships.

Lies destroy lives. Whatever the lie is - it the opposite of truth.

And truth equals freedom. Truth brings peace and life. Truth builds trust and a solid foundation. 

Truth builds. 

Lies break. 

The biggest lie is the lie itself - the lie is NOT more beneficial to you in the long run. It ultimately costs you so much more than any “benefit” it ever erroneously offered. It always leads you down into the pit of destruction. 

At church Sunday, the Pastor said, “Faith always takes risks.” 

The Greek word for “faith” in Hebrews 11 can mean: "belief, trust, fidelity, firm persuasion." I found it interesting that the word "fidelity" was rooted in the word "faith." The definition of fidelity is "faithfulness, continuing loyalty, and support." 

Trust builds support. It's a foundation. There’s risk involved in trust. It’s fragile. Precious. It CAN be broken. But the greater risk is in choosing the lie.

This attached picture of the sandcastle is so poignant. 

It took time and attention and work to build that sandcastle. One lie can destroy it. We believe lies that destroy ourselves, our families, our communities, our faith. The enemy of our souls has ALWAYS tried to get us to believe lies that distort God's truth. The lie is never more beneficial. It always comes with a cost.

In the words of my smart daughter - “The possible payoff (benefit) is not worth the risk.”

God's word is truth. God ways are truth. Truth equals freedom. Seek truth. Pursue truth. Live the one and only truth. 

The Good That Comes from the Bad

 

Reading this post from 2015 is one of those moments in hindsight that I can see God gently and lovingly preparing me for what was up ahead.

I couldn't see it then. All I could see then was that I couldn't be with my children. I loved the 10 years I was home with my babies. I struggled hard with resistance to changing that, but I knew God was telling me to get a job outside the home. As soon as I did, I struggled with depression and guilt. It was hard for me to adjust to the new phase of "working mom." It didn't feel like the right choice. 

But God knew…

God knew that later this same year something painful was going to happen that would start a new and even harder shift in my "perfect" home life.
God knew that four years later, I would face the daunting journey of being a SINGLE working mom.
God knew what adjustments and changes and pain and heartaches were waiting around the corner.
And He invited me to step away from my comfort zone, go where I was scared to go, do what I didn’t want to do, because He knew it was the best plan for me AND my kids. He was preparing me for what was ahead.

And I certainly dragged my heels and lamented the change. 

Now I see it differently. I can't even imagine how much harder the divorce process would have been on me if I had to make ALL those changes then. It would have been overwhelming. Even the TYPE of job I ended up in helped me walk through a journey I never would have guessed awaited me. 

Now I see all those times of disappointment and discouragement as wonderful guiding steps from a Father who cares about me.

 
It’s good to look back on your life and acknowledge those areas where you struggled at the time, but now see God’s clear hand of provision and protection within that struggle! I need to remind myself of those truths every day. Because I certainly will have more struggles and more hard times. Hopefully, I will rest in God's great and loving hands in those moments and know He is working out a better plan.

Do You Want to Get Well

If you are spending all your time and effort constantly trying to drag someone else away from the edge of a cliff, trying to rescue them from their poor choices - it’s not healthy. It will only exhaust you and put your life in danger as well. 

You are not responsible for making sure someone else makes good choices. 

You cannot “love someone enough” to change them. They have to decide to change for themselves. 

If they really want to go over the cliff, sooner or later - they will. The only choice you really have is whether you let them take you with them. 

It’s scary and hard to let go. I know. 

I struggled on the edge of that cliff myself several times, clinging tightly to my person, trying to keep them safe, feeling like it was my responsibility, my duty. I know that you physically hurt at the thought of watching them fall. I know you feel like if you let go, it means you’re giving up on them. 

You are not.

Please hear me say that again - letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means you are giving them over. It means you are surrendering them to the consequences of their choices and finally trusting God with their life and with your own. It means you’ve decided to stop striving; to stop participating in behavior that hurts you. And that surrender will ultimately lead to a place of so much peace and healing for you. 

If they choose to go down into the pit - dear friend, let go. And ask God to help you. 

Did you know that the Hebrew word in the Bible that means “be still” also means “let go?” 

It’s the verb, “raphah.” 

So, in the well-known verse of Psalm 46:10, when it says, “Be still, and know that I am God” it is also essentially saying “Let go, stop striving, surrender - and see that I am God, and I am in control. Not you.” Even more interestingly, the root word of this word is “rapha” (minus the last ‘h’), and it means “to heal.” 

Letting go is a pathway to healing. That’s really beautiful when you think about it. And really hard. We often think holding on and tightly grasping onto control is the way we make something better…safer. But the healing is found when we let go. 

Several months ago, I sat in my therapist’s office, crying on her couch for the umpteenth time because of a broken heart and broken dreams. She told me, “You have to find a way to let go of ____.” At the time, I remember thinking in frustration, “Okay, fine, what is the way to do that? I am so ready to not be this sad messy human!” 

I wish I could tell you I found the exact 3 step method! But the truth is, all of our paths look different. So, the way there is different for each of us. But the key, the first step, is the same! 

The key is where we go to find the way. Do we go to self-help books? Church? Teachers? Friends? Ourselves? 

Or do we truly surrender our healing to Jehovah-Rapha, the Great Healer? Do we let go of our need to figure it out, and just “raphah” to “Rapha?” 

Stop looking for healing in places that cannot heal you. It's like going to a mechanic because YOU are sick! Or taking your car to your family doctor! In their places, in the right context, those things are helpful. But healing is only found in the hands of the Healer.

You also can't heal what you won't reveal. If you go to the doctor because you have a gaping wound on your arm, but you tell them your stomach hurts, your arm is not going to get treatment, and it's probably only going to get worse. Similarly, you can drag someone else to the doctor...but you cannot make them be honest about what is really making them sick if they don't want to heal. They have to choose it for themselves. That's the reason Jesus asked the paralytic man at the pool of Bethesda, "Do you want to get well? Then pick up your bed and walk." The path toward healing was offered, the steps away from the edge of the cliff were made clear, but the man had to actively choose it and participate in it himself. (John 5)

Trying to heal that other person will never, ever heal them or you. Trying to be the perfect spouse will never, ever heal a marriage in which the other person is self-destructing. Trying to heal yourself without giving yourself completely to the Healer will never produce lasting change. 

You cannot change yourself by yourself. And you cannot change someone else. 

You have to let go. You have to be still, quiet your heart, stop trying to control what scares you, and let God be God. He’s so much better at it than we are! Do you want to get well? Listen and obey the Healer.

When God Burns Your Ships...

Have you heard the phrase, "Burn the ships?"  

It dates back to the 1500s when a Spanish explorer sailed to a new land. The story goes that once he hit land, he burned and destroyed all his ships so that he and his crew could not give up and get back on their ships. They had no choice but to press forward in the new place. There’s a story in the Bible that also shows this - when Elisha burnt his plow before he left to follow God. And in Isaiah 43:18-19, God tells the children of Israel, who are longing for Egypt where they were SLAVES, to

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” 

Sometimes, the new means God burns our ships.

I painted this picture last year.  

It's taken me a year to be healthy enough to share it and write about it.

By: Deon Sexton

It was done using a technique called Fumage, which basically means "painting with fire." You use flames and smoke to create depth and dimension, shadows and edges. Then you use different mediums to go back in and add details.  

For my Art class's Master Final last year, we had to pick an artist’s work we had learned about, then recreate it and put our spin on it. I had been drawn to Steven Spazuk’s Fumage technique from the moment we learned about it in class. And as a bonus, Spazuk often incorporates birds into his work! Birds have been special to me since my husband left. God has often filled my heart with hope through birds. I especially felt drawn to cardinals, specifically two female cardinals that would visit my porch every morning. When I researched female cardinals, I smiled to see they are considered to represent hope and healing. I definitely needed some of that! 

 

My painting is based on Spazuk’s untitled piece (below). He showcased a woman rising up out of a Zippo lighter, birds taking flight as though they came from inside her. As soon as I saw it, I knew this was the one. I absolutely needed to recreate this piece and make it mine.

Painting by: Steven Spazuk

And I knew - I would mix real ashes of my broken marriage in with the paint…literally beauty from ashes.

You see, one of the most painful things that happened during my divorce was that my husband burned the book of all of the love notes and emails from before we wed. It was a thick book. And I love - LOVE - words and stories. So good words are like big hugs.

That book was one of my most treasured items. It chronicled the story of our love, of how God brought us together, of our prayers for each other and our journey. It told of our dedication to each other and to God. And after my husband discarded me, he took it and burned it and then he lied about it. Like so many other things at the end of our marriage, it was one more pattern of painful devastation followed by lies and gaslighting. I had to dig through the fire pit with my bare hands and find remnants of it in order to prove he had burned it. Finding those discarded pieces of something precious to me had crushed me completely. Crying beside those ashes is a moment I still consider to be THE moment I truly grieved the loss of the life I had known. But that night, feeling led by God, I had scooped the charred pages and ashes out of the pit and kept them... for two years. 

Now, I would turn them into beauty and hope and healing. 

I would make this picture my own. 

Instead of the Zippo lighter at the bottom of Spazuk’s, which is very detailed and intricate, looks expensive and is more of a focal point, I wanted my bursting forth point to be a dark and damaged cheap cardboard box that didn’t draw the eye. I wanted it to look crumpled. I wanted the girl in my piece to be victoriously raising one arm in praise. And I knew instead of the blackbirds/sparrows Spazuk had in his painting, I absolutely wanted to include my beloved female cardinal in all her muted strength. 

The first step was to prepare the paper. And then begin burning it to make shadows and shapes, using smoke and soot. The second step was to go back and paint in the details. The third step for me was to add the ash. Tears seeped from my eyes as I used my fingers to grind up the ashes from my love story, and mix them in with my paint.

The cardinals are where the ashes are. Not on the girl. Not on her. She had to let them go. They are mixed in with the wings of the cardinals. They are flying away into the sky. They are rising above it all.

 

I love the way it turned out.

God often draws my eye to this painting on days when I forget the truth of my story, when I get focused again on the box. Those birds of hope and healing burst up out of that cheap box, leading the girl to freedom. They are free. Born of fire and pain. But that pain is what opened the box and set her free. And that is what this painting represents to me. Freedom and healing. Coming out of something that I didn’t realize was so small and so painful and so cheap. 

 

As I have gazed at this painting this last year, I realized that I spent a lot of time in life focusing on the box.

Feeling sad that the box was torn and crumpled.

Sad that the box was not the place of safety I thought it would be.

Wishing the box were different.

Trying to fix the box myself.

Trying to convince myself that I missed the box once I was out of it!

Even trying to get back in that broken box.

I lied to myself for a long time about what my marriage really was, what it had become. I thought if I just kept the flaps pulled closed, endured the heat, kept everything inside the box, that it would be okay.  

Sometimes we pick the painful known thing over the scary unknown thing, even if it's burning us.

I didn’t know it, but the old stuff needed to be burned away in order for me to move forward. I NEEDED God to burn that ship.

 

This is what God revealed to me through my painting, and through this process.

  

God knew I was devoted and committed to that love story of mine. God knew I would keep going back to those words and promises in that old book, longing for them and living for them. He knew I would get stuck grieving for what had been. God knew I would stay trapped there in a story that was no longer true.

So, He allowed my husband to burn it so I wouldn’t go back.

God allowed him to destroy it because it was no longer good or healthy for me there. Like Lot’s wife, and like the children of Israel, I would have kept looking back and longing for what God had rescued me out of. He had to burn it. I didn’t need access to it anymore. It was an old chapter. But it wasn’t the whole story. It was just a chapter. And that chapter brought me where I am today. It molded me into who I am today. Satan may have meant it for evil, but God has certainly already used it for good!

God knew I wasn’t strong enough to break free of that box on my own. So, He allowed the box to be set on fire, added heat to force me out, and gave me birds of hope and healing to carry me and sustain me like manna in the wilderness. 

 

Today, when I look at this painting, that dark box is small. Minute. It’s only a part of the painting. The girl and the birds, the beautiful colors, and the freedom there… they are the focal point. They are truly beauty from ashes.

And I like living in that space much, much more.  

 

Today, February 1, would have been my 20th Anniversary. I have struggled on this day the last two years. It was heavy and sad. Suffocating. Grievous. But I realized recently that those feelings only overtake me when I begin to focus again on the broken box. I want to focus instead on lifting my hands in praise and being willing to go wherever the God of hope and healing leads me.

 

When we spend our time trapped in what was, lost in what could have been, we rob ourselves of the beauty of the day.

Today is one more day that I have been out of that box that was killing me, suffocating me, and quenching the Spirit. God brought me out of it. And today, on THIS February 1, I have felt just fine. Today, on this particular day, I finally hung my painting up in my house. I put it on display, owned the truth of it and gave it its own space! It's right outside my bedroom door where I see it every morning and every night, to constantly remind me that...

"He brought me out into a spacious place: He rescued me because He delighted in me." 

Psalm 18:19

"After Two Whole Years... It's Not Me. It's God."

Have you ever felt forgotten? Rejected? Unappreciated? 

Have you ever waited for something to get better, and you feel like it’s taking forever?

I have. I get stuck in the seeming unfairness of a situation and then that filters over into my attitude towards many other things. Then, I’m so focused on what’s WRONG in my life that I am blinded to what is trying to be RIGHT.

 

I wonder if Joseph felt that way in the Old Testament when his brothers betrayed him and sold him into slavery. When his master’s wife lied on him and accused him unjustly and had him arrested. When he helped his fellow prisoners and they promised to remember him and help him, but then they didn’t. I wonder through all those years, all those trials, how soon or how often Joseph had to do a heart-check and seriously examine his own pride and recommit to trust God’s plan. 

It had to happen often, I would imagine.

 

Today, the first verse I read struck me with these thoughts. 

Genesis 41:1 says, “After two whole years…”

 

Those four words hit my heart like a ton of bricks. They felt heavy and long and I could just hear myself crying out in exasperated agony - “God, it’s been TWO WHOLE yearsssss of this!” 

 

Of what, though? What does this mean for Joseph? If you flip back to the end of the chapter before, you’ll see that the last verse says that the chief cupbearer that Joseph helped, who promised to help Joseph when he was out of prison, forgot about him and didn’t help him. And already by that point in Joseph’s life, it had been a lot of years of abuse and injustice and unkindness. 

A lot of years. 

Would it ever end? Would it get better? What about the life that he thought God had promised him in a dream when he was younger? This was not the way he thought his life would go. Why would God tell him something and then allow all this bad stuff to happen?

I don’t know if Joseph asked himself those questions. But I imagine he did. Because the answer to those questions only comes when we truly ask God to show us what He is working out in our lives. 

God spent those years preparing Joseph’s heart. Preparing him to be a kind and compassionate leader. Humbling him, no doubt. Building up honorable things within him and stripping away some of the dishonorable thoughts and actions. Overall…inviting Joseph to trust Him for the long haul. Even when it feels like the “whole” hard years are just not ending. What we see in Joseph is that he still always tried to do the right thing, the God-honoring thing. 

 

The crazy thing about this verse is that this still is not the truly good part of Joseph’s story. After all those years, these two more years still didn’t mark the end of struggles, and everything was not suddenly better. 

But after two whole years, God moved Joseph forward.

Because it was God’s time.  

After two whole years, God turned the page, and God initiated an action that spurred the cupbearer's memory, and the cupbearer finally remembered his promise to Joseph. 

It was time. It was all working all along in God’s perfect time. He was working with Joseph, and he was working in Joseph’s family miles away. He was working on Pharaoh, and on the cupbearer. God wasn’t silent or doing nothing in those two whole years! Oh, no! He was working in all of their lives, putting puzzle pieces together in the way only He can.

God still works that way today.

Others may forget us. Abandon us. Wound us. Imprison us.

God never does. Even we are sitting in a pit that we did not choose. God is working.

When Pharaoh heard what Joseph could do, how he could help Pharaoh, verse fourteen says that they went and “quickly” brought him out of the pit and changed his clothes! After waiting so long, suddenly it all began to change! His life suddenly became fresh and new.

Joseph was immediately given yet another opportunity to represent God...to speak truth. To act righteously when I’m sure it was hard. Maybe he felt used? Maybe he wanted to tell them all no? But still, the very first thing that Joseph did was point them all to God! He didn’t even take credit himself for what they thought he could do. He told them immediately, “It’s not me. It’s God.”

Oh! I wonder...

I wonder if all those years this was the attitude that God was working in Joseph? Years before, Joseph had almost bragged to his brothers about God’s plan for him. He had made that part about him. He made himself great. 

 

Now, all these years later, the first words he says is - “It’s not me. It’s God.” 

 

I think Joseph realized in all those years that it was God’s love for him that was shaping him and teaching him and preparing him. I think he grew in his relationship with God during his trials in ways he wouldn’t have if he had stayed in his nice comfortable home as the favored child of his father. The Bible tells us in Romans, “we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

 

I think Joseph learned all this. Maybe he especially learned it and accepted and believed it in those final “two whole years.” 

 

Friend. Those "two whole years" in your life are never wasted.

Like I said, this is not the end of Joseph’s struggles. But it does get better after this! Joseph rises to power, is given lots of responsibility and his voice matters to the whole land of Egypt. Eventually he even has an opportunity to confront his betraying brothers. 

He could have destroyed them. He could have said, “I told you so! I told you that you would bow down to me one day! I was right!” He could have made them suffer. And God so kindly shows us the struggle and temptation as Joseph battles with that pain and hurt and wanting vengeance. But God had spent years working on Joseph, preparing his heart. 

He had the ability and the right to destroy them. But he ultimately offered them grace and mercy and forgiveness and shelter. 

 

Just like God offers to us. 

God is always shaping us to be more like Him.

So, try not to despair when it feels like it’s just been “two whole years” after “two whole years” of hardship in your life. God is doing something in those two years. They may be painful, but they are not pointless. 

 

I feel this way now, at the beginning of 2023. I feel like the last few years of my life have been a series of painful years. Betrayal and abuse and abandonment and discouragement. Injustice and tears. “Disappointment” is the word that floats around my heart the most. I was even angry at God for allowing certain things to happen. I was just so disappointed. And for a while, I was so hyper-focused on that, that I forgot to look and see that God never left me. That He didn’t just allow bad things - He rescued me from things that were bad for me; He even rescued me from my own destructive thoughts and habits. I used to idolize my marriage. I took credit for the "Godliness" and goodness of it. I thought for sure God would use my husband and I to teach other people how to have a great marriage. Ten years in, that facade crumbled before my eyes. And I thought I could fix it.

 

My attitude has changed a lot in these years. Three whole years ago, I was elated at this time in January. I just knew my life was headed out of the pit I’d been struggling in for years, and things were going to get better! I just knew it. God was going to fix the situation, surely! Don't we often think God is only working if things work out like we plan for them to?

I bet Joseph felt elated as well when the cupbearer was released from prison, and he probably jumped up with excitement every time he heard someone coming, and thought, Oh, yeah! The cupbearer told them! This is it! I’m getting free! Imagine the disappointment as day after day, week after week, crept by, and nothing. No one came to free him. I think maybe that's because Joseph's hope was in the cupbearer. We should never put more hope in people than we do in God. 

 

I thought my freedom was going to come one way three years ago - by God healing my marriage. But, instead, God brought me out of the marriage, and He healed me. He used the ensuing years to help me let go of pride, and hurt, and bitterness, and resentment. He reoriented my heart. He helped me see that I had all my hope in the correct actions of someone else. I was depending on them to do the "right thing" so I could feel better. I think if God would have healed my marriage, I would have taken so much pride in that. I would have thought, This happened because I never gave up! This happened because of my faith in God. This happened because of MY right actions. This happened because I was such a good wife. See how good I am? Be good and you get good things from God! 

 

That is one of the first incorrect theological ideals that God broke down in me that I didn’t even realize I had operated under for almost two decades of my Christian walk. God showed me that I had put someone else in His place. And that I thought if I obeyed God, and others obeyed God, life would be problem-free. 

I knew that wasn’t really true. But I lived like it was: Follow the rules, be a good girl, and bad things don’t happen. Be a good wife, support your husband, and he’ll love you forever. 

No. God showed me that was a prison of codependency and idolization. I had to take a long, hard look at myself. At my responses. At my motivation. At what I truly believed about God and His righteousness and His justice and His mercy. And His right to do whatever He wanted to with my life.

 

It took me two whole years to surrender to just part of that thinking! It's an ongoing process, not sure we ever truly get there!

But crazily enough, I have reached a point where I am thankful for these long years. I am not the same girl I was 3 years ago. I’m definitely not the same girl I was who married and moved here 20 years ago! I feel today like Joseph must have felt when he was finally brought out of the jail - excited and scared and hesitant and full of joy, but still cautious! I imagine Joseph just saying, “Okay, God … what now? Where are you taking me next?”

 

God uses ALL the years. He has a plan for each second. We can trust Him with it. Whatever that thing is that you’re facing, whatever long and painful season you are in, God is doing a good thing there. For you, and for others around you. It’s never just about us. Like Joseph said, “It’s not me. It’s God.”

 

Because of Joseph, even Pharaoh acknowledged God. Ultimately, the whole land of Egypt got to see the God that Joseph served. He went from prisoner to ruler. But it didn’t happen overnight. It was a process. A process that led him through pits and prisons and palaces and power.

 

The following chapters in Genesis are such a beautiful glimpse into the struggle going in Joseph's heart regarding his bitterness and pain at his brothers, and the power of forgiveness and redemption. In chapter 45, he finally breaks and weeps loudly and tells his brothers, "Do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life ... it was not you who sent me here, but God." Joseph's heart was set free. He extended mercy and grace because maybe he saw that his brothers were in prisons themselves of regret and jealousy and anger?

 

Sometimes, we get stuck in prisons of our own making. Prisons in our minds and hearts. We get held captive by negative thoughts and bitterness. We are chained to our fears and the expectations of others. We believe lies about our identity, and we think the key to freedom is to just accept that this is who we are. No. Truth is freedom. God is truth. His way is the only freedom. John 8:10 says, "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Ask God to give you freedom. Ask God to show you what bondage you're holding onto in your heart. Ask God to help you be the best representative of His character that you can. This season, these "whole years," are not only for you - it's for the preserving of many lives. And every chance you get, tell others - “It’s not me. It’s God.”