Five months ago, I was walking into my office, wearing my favorite shirt that says “Not Today Satan” and feeling like I was ready to conquer the day! Suddenly I catapulted forward for no apparent reason and hit the tile floor hard. My left ankle twisted under me and the brunt of my weight landed on my left kneecap, making a loud pop. Notably, I had already had a rough morning prior to that. Which is the reason I proudly put on that shirt and shook my fist in Satan’s face. Later, after my fall, I jokingly-but-seriously told people that I thought Satan had pushed me down!
Anyway, I landed very hard. I immediately knew I was wounded more than just slightly. What I did NOT know was that recovery was going to be such a long and exasperating process.
There was initial pain and visible swelling. But the Doctor did an x-ray and said no broken bones, probably just a sprain, and sent me home with a knee brace and crutches.
For five months I did everything the Doctor told me. I wore the knee brace and avoided the activities he told me to avoid. I did weeks of physical therapy and all the follow-up exercises.
I followed all the rules.
But my knee did not get better.
As the weeks and months crept by and I dealt with daily pain and limitations, my frustration grew and I began to get mad at how this was still affecting my life, even after I had done what I was told to do to get better.
This wasn’t even my fault and it felt like such a stupid thing for it to be affecting my life so much. It made me angry.
Here’s the kicker, though. Thanks to picky insurance, it was a long time before they would approve an MRI which could better see what the exact injury was. Up to that point, they were mostly just guessing and trying to take the easy and least expensive way. Once they finally, just recently, did the more in-depth tests, they saw there was deep internal wounding. More so, they acknowledged that the continued grinding and wear on the wounded area for 5 months had exacerbated the injury. It wore away at all the cushioning cartilage in between my bones. Now, I am meeting with an orthopedic surgeon to determine best treatment.
I have often lately had to fight feelings of anger and irritation at the knowledge that this injury, this wound, may be something that leaves me with a permanent limp. The cartilage in between my kneecap and my thigh bone will most likely never be the way it was before.
Pondering all this lately at the very same time that I am on a journey with God learning about forgiving emotional and relational wounds is probably the only thing about all this that is NOT an accident! (Just kidding! I don't believe in accidents!) Today I kept thinking how closely these things correlate to each other. When people wound us with words or actions, it’s a lot like suddenly and unexpectedly being knocked to the ground. It hurts. It hurts our pride and our hearts and it knocks the wind out of us. Several details determine how quickly we get back up and how extensive our injuries are. Do we land on something hard (anger, resentment, unforgiveness), or something soft (grace, mercy, kindness, forgiveness)? Do we get immediate proper care (spiritually strong friends)? Do we get accurate diagnosis of the deeper problem (counseling or soul-care)? Do we wallow in our pain and baby our wound (woe-is-me, depression), or do the hard work to strengthen the weakened part (letting go, letting God be our strength)?
So I had this thought today:
It’s easy to wallow.
It’s hard to work it out.
What wounds me doesn’t have to consume me.
The wounding wasn’t my fault.
But the healing is my responsibility.
Whatever has hurt you in this life is awful. It’s not fair. Maybe you feel like you followed all the rules and did all the right things and you should be better by now. I know how that feels! It’s hard. And it’s hard not to be angry at whoever inflicted the wound. It's a hard truth to swallow that you may have an emotional limp forever. It may change your life...it probably will. But it doesn’t have to consume your life. God wants to use the wound to expose a deeper source of infection. That's why He allows it. He wants us to truly look to Him as the Great Physician who wants to make us more healthy. And our wounds only truly heal when we walk in forgiveness, instead of wallowing in fault and fear and feelings of "it's not fair." When we hold on to all those wallowing feelings, it causes the wound to deepen and get septic. Either the wound can consume you, or forgiveness can heal your heart.
You didn't choose to be wounded, but you get to choose your healing.
"Put on then, as God's chosen people, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and forgive one another if any of you has a complaint against someone. Forgive as the LORD forgave you. And above all these, put on love, which binds everything together perfectly." - Colossians 3:12-14
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