What Wounds Me Doesn't Have to Consume Me

Five months ago, I was walking into my office, wearing my favorite shirt that says “Not Today Satan” and feeling like I was ready to conquer the day! Suddenly I catapulted forward for no apparent reason and hit the tile floor hard. My left ankle twisted under me and the brunt of my weight landed on my left kneecap, making a loud pop. Notably, I had already had a rough morning prior to that. Which is the reason I proudly put on that shirt and shook my fist in Satan’s face. Later, after my fall, I jokingly-but-seriously told people that I thought Satan had pushed me down!

Anyway, I landed very hard. I immediately knew I was wounded more than just slightly. What I did NOT know was that recovery was going to be such a long and exasperating process.

There was initial pain and visible swelling. But the Doctor did an x-ray and said no broken bones, probably just a sprain, and sent me home with a knee brace and crutches.

For five months I did everything the Doctor told me. I wore the knee brace and avoided the activities he told me to avoid. I did weeks of physical therapy and all the follow-up exercises.

I followed all the rules.

But my knee did not get better.

As the weeks and months crept by and I dealt with daily pain and limitations, my frustration grew and I began to get mad at how this was still affecting my life, even after I had done what I was told to do to get better.

This wasn’t even my fault and it felt like such a stupid thing for it to be affecting my life so much. It made me angry.

Here’s the kicker, though. Thanks to picky insurance, it was a long time before they would approve an MRI which could better see what the exact injury was. Up to that point, they were mostly just guessing and trying to take the easy and least expensive way. Once they finally, just recently, did the more in-depth tests, they saw there was deep internal wounding. More so, they acknowledged that the continued grinding and wear on the wounded area for 5 months had exacerbated the injury. It wore away at all the cushioning cartilage in between my bones. Now, I am meeting with an orthopedic surgeon to determine best treatment.

I have often lately had to fight feelings of anger and irritation at the knowledge that this injury, this wound, may be something that leaves me with a permanent limp. The cartilage in between my kneecap and my thigh bone will most likely never be the way it was before.

Pondering all this lately at the very same time that I am on a journey with God learning about forgiving emotional and relational wounds is probably the only thing about all this that is NOT an accident! (Just kidding! I don't believe in accidents!) Today I kept thinking how closely these things correlate to each other. When people wound us with words or actions, it’s a lot like suddenly and unexpectedly being knocked to the ground. It hurts. It hurts our pride and our hearts and it knocks the wind out of us. Several details determine how quickly we get back up and how extensive our injuries are. Do we land on something hard (anger, resentment, unforgiveness), or something soft (grace, mercy, kindness, forgiveness)? Do we get immediate proper care (spiritually strong friends)? Do we get accurate diagnosis of the deeper problem (counseling or soul-care)? Do we wallow in our pain and baby our wound (woe-is-me, depression), or do the hard work to strengthen the weakened part (letting go, letting God be our strength)?

So I had this thought today:

It’s easy to wallow.

It’s hard to work it out.

What wounds me doesn’t have to consume me.

The wounding wasn’t my fault.

But the healing is my responsibility.

Whatever has hurt you in this life is awful. It’s not fair. Maybe you feel like you followed all the rules and did all the right things and you should be better by now. I know how that feels! It’s hard. And it’s hard not to be angry at whoever inflicted the wound. It's a hard truth to swallow that you may have an emotional limp forever. It may change your life...it probably will. But it doesn’t have to consume your life. God wants to use the wound to expose a deeper source of infection. That's why He allows it. He wants us to truly look to Him as the Great Physician who wants to make us more healthy. And our wounds only truly heal when we walk in forgiveness, instead of wallowing in fault and fear and feelings of "it's not fair." When we hold on to all those wallowing feelings, it causes the wound to deepen and get septic. Either the wound can consume you, or forgiveness can heal your heart.

You didn't choose to be wounded, but you get to choose your healing.

"Put on then, as God's chosen people, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and forgive one another if any of you has a complaint against someone. Forgive as the LORD forgave you. And above all these, put on love, which binds everything together perfectly."  - Colossians 3:12-14

When It's Too Much

You get bad news.
A short while later, something else hard happens.
Then that experience is followed with more heavy things.
And it  just   
feels     like    too     much.

Heavy thing after heavy thing after heavy thing, with barely any time to breathe in between.
Have you ever felt that way? Like it's too much? I have... I do.
"Battle weary" is how I described it to someone recently. When you are weary to the depths.


God clearly whispered to my heart four years ago to get ready, to get my Armor on, and be watchful.
God is good to us like that. He warns us. He prepares us. But He wants us to choose to use what He's prepared.
There have been times in the years since that warning that I have been strong and fought well. There have been times when I have been weak and tired. There have been times when I was victorious, and there have been times when I was distracted and got wounded.
I've been on the battlefield for awhile, under heavy and seemingly constant attacks from the enemy. And today, already weak and limping, this one more thing, the news from this phone call, was too much.
Too much.


On this "too much" day a few months ago I sat on the side of the road in my car and cried out to God with tears pouring, and told him brokenly, angrily, out loud, "God, this feels like too much. It's too much. It's too heavy. I can't take any more. It's too much."
With heartbreaking honesty, I told him it made me mad. I asked him why? Why now? Why more?
I pounded the steering wheel and screamed and railed at him...
I did.
And suddenly I was reminded of someone else who did that. Someone who probably felt like it was too much. A guy who lost pretty much everything in just one day. A guy named Job who reached a point and had a pity party much like I was, but also was a guy who ultimately said of God, "Even if he slay me, I will still trust him."
I sat in that thought for many moments while the tear streaks dried on my face. Could I step into that kind of trust? Did I want to? I felt like I had wasted my time for years trying to be good, trying to follow the rules and do the right things, and live the right way, and I thought life would be easier then. I thought when you do the right things, the wrong things don't happen.
This hard stuff didn't feel fair.
Job probably thought it wasn't fair either. The Bible says he was an "upright" person, which means he was honorable...he did what was right. God knew Job would be okay. He even knew Job would end up better than he was before. He knows the same about us, that He has good plans for us. Still that thought doesn't necessarily make the hard things hurt less. But it does still ask the question...Do I want to trust God like that? Can I?
I really wanted to crawl into a hole and shut the world out, shut the problems out, shut out the responsibilities and just everything. I wanted quiet for my soul. But then I realized what I really wanted, craved, was to fall into the security of safe arms that would hold me with strength and love and never let me down. In my mind's eye, I pictured God's open arms beckoning me, asking me, inviting me...
Did I trust Him? Even when things felt like too much and I didn't understand?
I closed my eyes and leaned slowly over to lie down on the seat. I pictured my head in Jesus' lap and his arms holding me. I felt a soft whisper to my weary soul of, It IS too much for you. But it's not too much for ME. Stop trying to do it on your own. It's mine. You're mine. You CAN'T do it. But I can."


I lie there for long moments. The sadness didn't go away. But the crushing weight of it did.
I admitted to myself that it's moments like this when I really learn what my faith is made of. I thought back to all the ways over my lifetime that God has proven to me that I definitely can trust Him with all of my "too-much" moments. It's never too much for Him. And it's only too much for us when we try to carry it, or fix it, without Him.


He begs us to come lay in His arms. Matthew 11:30 promises us that His yoke is easy and his burden is light because he bears the brunt of it on himself.
When we feel like it's too much, it's because it is. It's not ours to carry.
After all...Jesus carried the weight of the sin of the world. My little burden alone is not hard at all for Him!

The End of a Thing

My eyes opened after a restless night’s sleep and as I stared up into the intruding daylight, my first thought was: tomorrow is the last day of this year. I stuck my tongue out at the ceiling and thought, 2018, I am glad to see you go.

Photo by @sazzleb on Unsplash

My mind immediately flooded itself with all the painful and hard times I had walked through in the last twelve months. Sadness pressed in at the corners of my heart. 

Nothing had gone at all like I had planned or thought this year would go. 

I remembered feeling this same sadness at the end of 2017, and being glad when it was over too and thinking that, because I made it...I survived, that the next year, 2018, would be better and easier. 

And, yet, it wasn’t easier or better.

The sadness invaded and pushed a little deeper and I remembered another tough year in 2015, which had brought challenges and changes and struggles, and how glad I was to ring in 2016 and leave 2015 behind.

Suddenly, I realized I have basically spent the end of every year for at least the last 4 years mourning what I considered as lost instead of celebrating what was gained.

My word of the year from God for 2018 floated in big letters across my mind… 

C H O O S E.

I sat up in bed. 

I felt a shift occurring inside me… the Holy Spirit inviting me into action.

I choose.

I can choose to commiserate, or I can choose to celebrate.

I choose.

I can choose to commiserate the hard things, or I can choose to celebrate how God used the hard things to soften me.

I choose.

I can choose to commiserate prayers not answered my way, or I can celebrate how I heard God speaking to my heart more clearly in this season than I ever have before.

I choose.

I can choose to commiserate what I felt forced to change about myself, or I can celebrate that those yucky not-so-God-like parts of me were sloughed out.

I choose.

I can choose to commiserate the exhaustion and numerous tears, or I can celebrate the new strength I found and the faith that grew. 

I choose.

I physically felt joy come into my spirit and my heart and push all the invading sadness of the pondering thoughts away!

I thought about how the enemy wants to steal so many things from me, from us. And I’ve let him steal my celebratory thoughts for the last several years. 

Yes, 2018 just MAY be one of the hardest years I’ve experienced...so far. But I thought the same thing in prior years. And I’ll probably think the same thing about future years.

Hard doesn’t mean bad. It doesn’t have to, anyway.

There are always victories in the hard places. If it wasn’t hard, we wouldn’t have as much of a reason to celebrate when it’s over. 

When a person runs a marathon and they finish, I doubt they stop at the end and cry and think about how hard it was and how they wish they had never experienced it and how unfair some of the hills and rocky places were. I don’t know for sure because...well, I don’t run! But I imagine, no matter what place they finish in, when they get to the end and cross that line and are gasping for breath and are exhausted and bruised and sore, I bet they look back and smile. 

They made it!

Whether limping across or running full out, they made it! And now they know more what it’s like and what it takes and how to train better. They have experience for the next one. 

I’ve said before that when God placed on my heart my theme verse for 2018, I first freaked out a little. The “end of a thing” sounds ominous! The verse, Ecclesiastes 7:8, says, “Better is the end of a thing than the beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.”  I spent several months wondering and worrying about what 2018 might cost me? What would end? That’s pride talking. Pride says it doesn’t want things to end. Pride says it knows better. Pride says it wants what it wants. I didn’t understand the connection between the first and second part of that verse until late in the year…like, super late. Like maybe yesterday?! 

I have a post it on my computer that says, “You can’t fully cast your anxieties on God and keep your pride too.” For one to really end, the other has to end, too.

The end. 

Endings are not bad. 

Actually, endings are never bad when I am truly walking with God. 

Endings just make way for new beginnings. 

Finally, on the next to last morning of 2018, I slid from my bed down onto my knees on the floor and prayed and apologized to God for choosing to let myself commiserate the endings instead of celebrating the finish line, and stepping into the new beginning He has spent the year preparing me for. 

I’m not the same person I was a year ago. 

Some things in me had to go. 

They had to end in order for the new me to begin. 

This has been a process my whole entire life! It’s called maturity. The Bible also calls it “sanctification.” 

I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago, because some things in me had to end back then, too. And I’m glad they did! I’m so glad God didn’t leave me in my 29 year old spiritual and emotional position! Can you imagine? Honestly, it would be like running the same race year after year after year, time after time after time. How boring! No new scenery, no new challenges, no new victories.

God doesn’t want that for me. And He doesn’t want it for you. 

He wants us to look back, and celebrate how far we’ve run, and smile, and then look ahead with excitement and determination for the next race ahead. 

Don’t be deceived though…

There WILL be tough hills, and rocky spots. It will be hard going and exhausting. We may trip and fall sometimes, or get a pebble in our shoe. But we will also get stronger, and faster, and more determined as we realize we never, ever, ever run it alone. 

And it’s exhilarating and empowering to think of each year, not as new hardships to overcome, but as new preparation and conditioning for our next race. I know God used my 2015 to help me maneuver through my 2018. And he’ll use my 2018 to make me stronger for another year. 

There’s hope and some deep love in that. Endings of anything when dropped into God’s hands are always better.

So, I look back on the tough marathon that was 2018, and though it went nothing like what I had thought or planned, I smile. I made it. I learned a lot. I grew a lot. A lot of things ended that needed to end. It was better than my plan.

Now it’s time to turn and look at the 2019 marathon ahead. It’ll bring new challenges, some new hills and valleys, some beautiful scenery and peaceful moments, some chaos and some quiet, some bruises and some stronger muscles. And some more things will likely end, and other things will begin...and it’s better that way.

Isaiah 43:19 “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

How Pain Knocks Some Sense into Us

Sunday, the trunk attacked me as I was getting something out.

I wasn't paying attention and didn't notice it wasn't raised all the way, so when I let go it konked me in the head. Today is the third day and the swelling has gone down but it is SORE! Combining that with the bandaged biopsy spot on my nose, and I for real look like I’ve been in a fight! 

And I have, of a sort.

The enemy plays really dirty and does not mind adding insult to injury. 

We know this, but we often get distracted and don't have our defenses all the way up, and so we get konked in the head.

I think it's easiest to get distracted in the waiting periods.

I am currently in a waiting period...the middle...of finding out my biopsy results from 3 spots. These three new scars are added to roughly two dozen others I have had in my lifetime. This will make the 4th scar on my face. The last one, three years ago last month, was the first one to come back positive for cancer. Scars are never fun, but the others were easier because I didn't really worry. Now I do. Last time, I had to have MORE surgery, and bigger scars. It was serious and scary. That makes facing it this time harder. This waiting for the phone call results is tough and, well, I have been fighting against despair and sadness and worry. And vanity.

These can all be distractions.

It’s a strange experience to undergo surgery on your face. To know there's a chance that, afterwards, you might not look like the you that you knew before the surgery. It's a hard thing to know you'll have a daily reminder of what happened staring you in the face.

Worry. Distractions.

As a sixteen year old girl, God gave me a verse that has become my life verse. It's not a feely-good empowering verse! It's a tough one to swallow. But God, in his mercy, wanted me to have hope. So he plastered Psalm 119:71 over all my scars. "It is good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your ways." 

These last few years, on different levels, have been tough on my self-esteem. When you don't think you struggle with vanity, beware...you may get konked in the head while you are distracted! 

I realized I was already struggling with feeling pretty before, and now I have to walk around with stitches and a bandage on my face. Worry. I have started thinking through the reality that I might have to get part of my nose cut off, and I have realized how vain I really am.

It's like a big konk in the head. A bruise to the heart.

Sunday’s message at church (ironically RIGHT after the trunk attacked me) was about having hope in suffering. 

My Pastor said: “Suffering and pain have a great power to do things to our heart. Bad and good. It can equally stir up self-centeredness and sin and also maturity and inspiration. Pain stretches us.”

It stretches us.

It konks us in the head and the heart. 

I have found myself praying more than once in the last few years, over different areas, faced with things that could be very hard, “God, please don’t let this be my story?” I understood in those moments that those hard things could be good, could bring glory to God. But it still didn't mean I wanted to pay the price if I didn't have to. It’s hard to walk in hope knowing things may NOT turn out how you hoped. Today, as I thought that, I thought about Jesus praying in the garden the night before he faced pain and torture, about him asking God to let salvation come another way if at all possible for him to avoid the pain of the cross, and yet then he said, but no matter what, YOUR will be done.

That's powerful on so many levels.

I WANT to accept God’s plan, like Jesus did. But I also find a measure of comfort knowing that even Jesus said, "God, if it be possible, please don’t let this hard thing be part of my story?"

It's that waiting period. That hard part of thinking, this might be really painful, and I don’t want to worry before I know. But it’s hard. I don’t want to freak out when/if I get the bad call. It’s hard. I don’t want to have part of my nose cut off, or have more cancer. It’s hard. Life is hard.

It is.

But God is good. I CAN trust His plan.

Today, I am praying that you and I both will rest securely in His plan in our lives in all the hard places right now. That we will be able to pray like Jesus, “Father, if You are willing, take this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.”  — Luke 22:41-42 

Light gets in best in the broken places. Scars can create deeper healing. Scars are places the bad stuff has been removed. It's pain with a purpose.

Some knocks happen to knock the bad stuff out and make room for the good stuff!



Letting Go and Digging Deeper

I told a friend the other day that I was going to start nicknaming God “Ironically” because of how often I jokingly say “ironically enough...” followed by some great thing God did. 

One of those moments happened today and also involved one of my favorite movies: FINDING NEMO! 

As I was driving to work this morning, I was thinking about skin cancer (I’m 39 and facing my third surgery today) and some other life challenges I am still facing and have faced recently. I thought about how God had repeatedly whispered the words “Let Go” to me for several weeks. Suddenly, I remembered the part in Nemo where Marlin and Dory are in the whale. The whale is helping them, but to Marlin it looks like they are trapped...swallowed up. He fights against it and becomes hopeless. When happy Dory says the whale is telling them to do something crazy, move further in, go deeper, Marlin resists, even tho Dory has been right in the past about crazy things. Dory tells him the whale is saying to “let go” but Marlin is scared. So the whale forces them to move by raising its tongue, but Marlin still stubbornly grabs on and then tries to keep Dory from falling, too. Dory tells him “It’s time to let go.” Marlin looks at the abyss beyond her, then back at Dory. He is scared, but he knows he has to make a choice...does he trust her and the whale and let go, or does he not? He closes his eyes, and lets go. And letting go actually sets him free! And delivers him to his next destination.

I thought today how accurate that is in my life right now. The problems surrounding me sometimes feel like they are going to swallow me. Sometimes I exhaust myself by trying to get out on my own. It feels like a hindrance. All the while Jesus is happily swimming next to me and saying, "This thing you’re in is actually going to help you get to your next destination, but YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME AND LET GO." Sometimes, he forces us to move deeper. Sometimes, he gets us to the end of our abilities to get us out of our way. But he doesn't force us to let go. He wants us to choose to trust him.

How often do we look at Jesus, who is asking us to fall WITH him, and we still choose to hold on and try to control things? How often do we look past Jesus at the unknown and choose to stay in the bad place that we can see? 

Well, “ironically enough”, after these thoughts I pulled up my FB memories and TWO of my memories over the last 7 years involve NEMO! 

People, YES, this is kind of funny to say that Jesus is speaking to me through a cartoon about a fish, but Jesus is so kind and good like that! He cares about us. He validates his words to us. He not only gave me one, but two validations that this reminder was from Him today! He doesn't just love us. He LOVES us!

He loves you. Are you listening?

Do you feel like you’re being swallowed up in the middle of your hard stuff today? Let go and fall with Jesus! Cast all your care on Him. Not only will it set you free of your worry and anxiety, it will deliver you to the next place you’re supposed to be! 

But the choice is yours! 

🐟 🐳 #2018Choose

(👇🏼 this is the movie clip, if you’re interested!)

https://youtu.be/O_u4h_N2lTw

Happiness is a Direction You Choose

Everyone wants to be happy.

We spend a lot of time looking around for things that will make us happy. We look to other people, ourselves, our job, our money, success, good health. We think if we just had this, or if they would just do that, or if I just wasn’t this way, I would be happy. 

We’re so busy looking around us that we miss the very thing, the only thing, that can truly make us happy. 

Sometimes, we need others to point it out because we are simply too caught up in our journey, and blinded by ourselves, to truly see.

My daughter pointed it out to me last night. It was right under my nose. Or I guess I should say "above" my nose.

I had gotten so used to it being there that I didn't see it anymore.

She reminded me to look up.

I was talking to my 10 year old daughter about choices, while I tucked her into bed. I almost always include this phrase when I pray with my kids at night: "Jesus, please give them wisdom to make good choices, and to see beyond the moment." Earlier that day I had told her and my son that at the beginning of each year, I prayerfully ask God to give me a word that He will use in my life that year, and that my word this year was CHOOSE. I told them I had already seen this year how greatly what I choose to do, or say, or go, or be affects my life and that some good choices are easy to make, and some are hard. I told them that some may not feel good in the moment, but after the moment passes we see how important it was to choose the right thing. I told them that even when bad, or sad, or hard things happen, it's okay to be sad, or mad, or cry, but we don't have to choose to stay there. We can choose to step into joy.
That night, after praying with my daughter, praying for her to have wisdom to make good choices, she said, "When you were talking today about your Word this year being CHOOSE I immediately looked up at that sign on the wall that you made that says 'Happiness is a direction you CHOOSE' and I also thought about that little chalkboard on your dresser that says 'CHOOSE'. I guess that's why you have them there, huh? To remind you?"

A million things went through my mind at once! I thought, wow, kids really are very observant and are processing stuff around them more than we think. And I also thought, in surprise, I forgot about the big huge sign on the wall in the living room!

We talked a bit more and I hugged her and told her goodnight. I walked into my bedroom, passed the little chalkboard sign, and smiled.

This morning, I walked into the living room, and looked up. Thanks to my daughter's reminder, I intentionally stopped and chose to look up.

"Happiness is a direction you CHOOSE."

I stood there, my neck craned back, staring at those words. I thought about how often we pursue things in front of us to try to make us happy. Or we get so used to the big sign on the wall, the thing in our home, that we don't even see it anymore. Usually it's because we are looking down, running after the wrong things. We look to our own hands and feet to bring us happiness. We think we are choosing the right direction.

But we forget to look up.

It's harder to look up. When we look up, we are looking away from ourselves. When we look up we can't even see ourselves. When we look up - we walk by faith, not by sight.

But we have to choose to look up.
Sometimes, we need others to remind us to adjust our focus.

Lysa TerKeurst says "We steer where we stare." In other words, we go where we are looking. If we choose to look at the wrong thing we will go the wrong way. If we choose to look only at sad things, we live in sadness. If we choose to look up, everything around us melts away and we choose the higher thing, the better thing.

Psalm 37:4 says it best..."Take delight [happiness] in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

God wants to give us happiness. We need only choose to look to him for it.

A Little Gossip

Let’s talk about gossip. 

I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks. Funny enough, the subject came up exactly after I stated on Facebook that I was going to try to work hard on pushing my "pause button" before speaking or posting! So, in that moment, I forced myself to pause, and ponder this for a bit on my own. But now, I'm curious, and would like other input.
 

Do you know what gossip is?  Or, rather, do you know what gossip is NOT?

It’s NOT gossip to tell someone the facts of what happened to you personally. 
It’s NOT gossip to answer someone’s question about why you chose something. 
It’s NOT gossip to tell someone your first hand factual experience of a situation. 

Oxford Dictionary defines GOSSIP as “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.”

Some key words in this definition that stood out to me were “other people” and “details that are not confirmed as being true.”

So, for example, let’s say Jane and Billy Bob were involved in a car accident. The policeman shows up and asks what happened? Jane and Billy Bob give conflicting accounts. There are no other witnesses around. The cop ultimately sites Billy Bob for running the stop sign as there is clear evidence of him not braking at all, and Jane was barely going 10 miles an hour when hit. Billy Bob calls her a liar and storms off to his car. 

Later, when Jane gets home, her neighbor comes over and asks her what happened to her car? Jane replies that she was in a car accident. Her neighbor says, oh no, what happened? Jane tells her about her experience: reporting about stopping at the intersection, then pulling forward and how Billy Bob ran into the side of her car. She tells her neighbor how he tried to blame it on her, but the policeman stated that supporting evidence showed that Jane was in the right. Jane is still flustered and tells her neighbor this is first time she’s been involved in an accident. She says she can’t believe Billy Bob tried to say it was her fault and called her a liar. All of what Jane said was true, and was the facts about her own personal experience directly from her. She did not speculate about what Billy Bob did or add details. She did not go knock on her neighbors door and say, let me tell you what Billy Bob just did to me! Someone saw evidence of an issue in Jane’s life and asked her and she replied with the facts about her own life and her own first-hand experience. She even had a witness in the cop of Billy Bob calling her a liar and accusing her. 

Then, Billy Bob goes home, and his neighbor is out doing yard work. Billy Bob walks over to his neighbor and says “Women driver’s are the worst.” He tells him that he got a ticket because police are always nicer to women and didn’t believe him when he said Jane was driving distracted, and the cop probably thought she was cute and let her off! Billy Bob gave his point of view and his opinion of the situation, and he speculated bits of the truth to make it favorable to his way, but none of it was the actual facts, except for that he and Jane were involved in a car accident. He WAS gossiping about her supposed flirting and distracted driving.

Now, if Jane’s neighbor then goes to their other neighbor and says, “Do you know Billy Bob? Well, he almost killed Jane today because of his reckless driving in that big truck and then he yelled at her and called her a liar, can you believe it?” And then that neighbor replies, “Well, you know he has a criminal record, right? I heard he just got his license back the other day. That’s probably why he was so mad. He probably doesn’t have insurance! Jane should file a lawsuit against him!” 
And then Billy Bob’s neighbor goes to his friend and tells them that Jane lied about not driving distracted and she flirted with the cop to get away with it.

Well, THEY are ALL definitely gossiping. None of what they are talking about happened personally to them. Then, if THEY go tell other people and the story gets more out of alignment with truth, before you know it, Billy Bob’s girlfriend hears that Jane is going around telling everyone that Billy Bob is a criminal and almost killed her, does not have insurance, and threatened her life. None of which Jane actually said. And Jane’s boyfriend hears that people are calling her a flirt and a liar...which Billy Bob did actually say but did not actually happen.

THAT is what gossip is. 

Jane had every right to tell about her experience. It happened directly to her. Now, a question comes of, should Jane go tell everyone what happened to her to intentionally make Billy Bob look bad? No, I don’t think so. But that’s more of an ethical question, though, and not really about gossip.
   
So, my question is, what do you classify as gossip? 

If someone comes up to me and asks, “Why did you step away from that position?” Or, “What happened to your tree in your front yard?” If you give that person a facts-only answer to their question about you based off YOUR own personal experience with things in YOUR life, is that gossiping? 

Digging in after this has led me to a deeper morality question...

WHY we say the things we say? To me, this is the harder question.

What is my motivation?

 

I do believe that it is okay for me to give my own direct account of events that happened directly to me. I do NOT believe it is okay for me to do the above if my sole motivation is to hurt another person, or to damage their character. This is a VERY hard heart question when it involves someone who has wronged you.

Again, in our example, Billy Bob yelled at Jane and falsely accused her and DID go home and intentionally spread false information about her.
 

My husband and I talked last night about how difficult it is to turn the proverbial "other cheek." It is human nature to want to strike back, to want to correct an injustice against us. As a Christian, it is especially difficult when know those who are talking about you do not hold the same spiritual standards you do and openly attack your identity as a Christian. I've gritted my teeth at this a lot lately. 
However, at the end of the day, I had to ask myself a very important question: Do I want to be right more than I want to be kind?
I heard someone say recently "The best person is the one who does the right thing first."
I want to do the right thing.


My husband and I realized that these are opportunities to show our kids a couple of things:
1) Not everything you hear is true.
2) Your known character should speak so loudly that it's hard for people to believe contradictory things they may hear.
3) Your real friends will come to you.
4) How important it is to keep your own mouth shut because words hurt people.
5) Even if what we are saying is true, we should not intentionally damage/hurt other people.



That last one...I wanted to scream as I typed it. God's Word tells me to be kind to those that seek to do me harm, to PRAY for them, to do good to them, and (ugh) to love my enemies. (Luke 6)
So, back to our example:
Jane probably would have been heartbroken and hurt and embarrassed to find out what Billy Bob was gossiping about her. Most people would say she would have been well within her rights to bash and discredit him, to defend her character. But, after much soul searching and prayer, I think a person's character should speak for itself. Keeping your own mouth shut is often the hardest and most challenging exercise of your character.
Proverbs 18:21 has popped at me twice today from two different avenues! It says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." Hmm. I don't want to eat nasty, rotten fruit, so I shouldn't spew nasty, rotten things.
And, sometimes...often, the silence speaks so much louder than the gossip.
Even at Jesus' trial, when people were accusing and gossiping and lying, he just stayed quiet.
Which leads me back to the pause.
Great.
I'm going to go wrestle some more with controlling my tongue!