How I'm Learning NOT to be Selfish (I'm VERY selfish!)

NOTE TO SELF...when you ask God to help you be more reflective of Him, to be a true servant, be prepared for a total makeover!  I did that, back in February. And, wow. What a ride.
I should have spent the last eight months catalogging which particular flaw of mine that God was breaking down that month...I feel like He's a picked a different one each month to help me work on!
This month's must be my selfish, self-absorbed attitude. After a series of my own unfortunate events I was brought face to face yet again with that huge God-sized mirror and found myself incredibly lacking.
I'm selfish.
I want to do things for God...as long as I don't have to go too far out of my way to do it. I want to help other people...as long as it doesn't cost me too much of my own time.  I want to be busy at church...as long as I still get to sleep in.  I want to be a good steward...as long as I still get to buy things I want. And the list really honestly could go on and on.
So, what do I do about it? That's what I wondered. I asked Peter how you were supposed to change something that was so deeply ingrained into who you are, especially if you felt like you had been that way forever?
His repsonse was, "What does God say about it in His Word?" (Typical guy, right?! Giving the obvious answer! Just kidding, honey! I love the way you lead me towards God!)
So, what does God's word say? How do you put off selfishness and become more selfless?
Well, there are countless verses that talk about "putting off" the old you and putting on attributes of God (Eph 4:24).
So, I asked God to show me how to do that.  (Please refer to above NOTE TO SELF. ugh.)

What did God answer? Well, as I sat in a new Bible Study class I'm doing on Thursday mornings, just for moms, God spoke to my heart a task, a job, that would take me FAR out of my comfort zone, invade my personal space, and just basically take away any time for "self" that I have. It was a call to show compassion on someone in need. To offer them hospitality, my own things, and time with my family. It took me 24 hours for me to realize this was God's answer to my question about putting off my selfish attitude. How better to counter a selfish attitude than by bringing someone else into the equation that would force me to not make anything about myself? Was I excited about it? No. To be perfectly honest, I am still not. However, I have reconciled myself to the fact that if I truly want to learn NOT to be so self-absorbed, this is what God's asking of me.
Where did I gather strength to take the first step? The places that I've always found strength before...God's promises. He's never let me down.
After all, He knows each step of the way, He knows the good path He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and I know that I have to seek Him in order to find it - Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."
So, no more excuses, no more hesitating, no more killing time...
Here I come Lord, seeking...

Excuses, Excuses!

Yesterday, while I was just sitting, listening to someone talk, my brain and heart were suddenly flooded with thoughts of something I felt God might be calling me to do, something that would take me outside of my comfort zone. So what did I do? I fell to my knees and immediately began to see what God would have me do, calling out to him, Here I am Lord, use me!
Um, no.
Unfortunately I cannot say that.
I wish I could. But instead, the truth is, I immediately began to think of all the reasons and excuses why God would NOT call me to do that. Excuse after excuse flooded my mind, and before long, I had almost talked myself into the notion that it had only been a crazy thought, burgeoning in my mind due to sleepless nights and too much stress. Not a God thought. No way. Twenty-four hours later I am still plagued by this thought that keeps coming, but I just keep running from it, making a my "pros and cons" list in my head, giving myself a thousand excuses of why this could never work.
Of course it couldn't be from God. After all, we all know that God ONLY calls people to do things that are easy and make complete sense to the doer. Right? I mean, come on, look at all the examples of people in the Bible that God called to...oh, wait.
Hm.
God does interrupt our carefully planned lives in order to bring Him glory.
I remembered the person in the Bible that I had been studying the last few weeks whose life was completely interrupted and turned upside down by a calling from God. Jonah.
God called Jonah to go do something that was WAY out of his comfort zone and made absolutely no sense to him. God wanted Jonah to go preach to his enemies, and Jonah decided that made no sense and so he went the other way.  And, eventually, after being swallowed by a fish, vomited out, obeying, preaching, then pouting, then fianlly, he maybe saw the bigger picture of what God was trying to accomplish with his life.
So the bigger question here is - Do I want to be swallowed up by the busyness of my life, until it vomits me out, because that's MY plan. Or, will I quit making excuses and take a moment to put myself aside and ask God what He wants to do with me? 
God sees the bigger picture. The beauty of the ending of Jonah's story in the Bible is seeing how God used it all to shed light on His thoughts, and grace, to a rebellious nation AND a rebellious and stubborn man who was hesitant to cooperate.  He kept after Jonah, continually molding his heart into His likeness...and saved a nation along the way too.
God's plans are bigger than my little day-to-day plans. Jeremiah 29:11 says that God knows the plans He has for us, plans full of hope and a future....but verse 13 says we'll only find those "good plans" if we seek God with all our hearts.
Guess that means no more excuses.  And much more seeking.
God wants to do big things with me, and with you, and sometimes, like Jonah, that may mean stepping WAY out of our comfort zone. But, it also may mean the salvation of someone else. Is it worth it?
Or do I need to be vomited out first?
Eww! I hope not.

The Wind in the Desert

Texas may not get a lot of rain, but there is definitely something they do get a lot of, and that's wind!  It blows so hard and so warm and so unexpectedly that it literally will almost knock you to your feet.  I just spent the last hour sitting out by the pool. It was heavenly.  Although I'm reasonably certain I came away with a slight burn!
As I sat there, basking in the sun, allowing the warm wind to blow over me refreshingly, I began to laugh.  Every now and then the wind would blow so hard that it would sprinkle me with tiny droplets of water from the fountain in the pool. It was always so unexpected that it would take my breath as it hit me, but, boy, did it feel good!
All of a sudden, I saw God in that wind. I'm sitting in the desert, really in the middle of nowhere (Midlanders joke that that's how it got it's name: Midland...because it's the middle of nowhere!). The ground is dry, the air is dry, it's hot, and then, out of nowhere (literally) there's this refreshing wind that I can't see, but it surrounds me.
Billy Grahm once said, "you can't see the actual wind, but you can see the effects of the wind." You can feel it on your skin, in your hair, you can see it in the trees and watch it moving things. Scripture compares the Spirit of God to wind on several occasions.

Friend, whoever is reading this right now, I just want to encourage you that, anywhere you are, even in that "Midland dry desert" place of your life, God is also there.  His wind blows over you, encompassing you, surrounding you, and reminding you that He's there.  You may not always be able to see HIM, but you can always see the effects of Him!
I've been blown away this weekend by seeing the effects of God blowing through my life. I am humbled by the fact that this huge God, who commands the wind and the rain, who controls the days, cares enough about me to show me that He loves me, that He wants to be part of my life, that He's wrapped up in my days.
And He's wrapped up in yours.  You may not always notice Him there. But He is there, working and blowing, and loving. 
Look for the wind, and take comfort from it!

Out of the Dust...

Here in Texas, where we've been the last two days, everything is dusty. And pretty dead looking! We are in the middle of the desert, after all! I asked our driver today if the grass every got any greener than the brown mess that it was right now? She laughed and said, "No, pretty much not! But you get used to it." She went on to tell us that they receive, on average, only 11 inches of rain or less per YEAR!  I'm reasonably certain that we got that much rain in Tennessee in two days last week!  The dust and dirt is not a pretty thing here, and the Texans have a good sense of humor about it, which is good, because I don't see it changing anytime soon!
When we got to the service tonight the opening song was "Beautiful Things". If you've never heard this song, you have to go online and listen to it! I was immediately reminded of the drive over there, looking at the dusty ground outside.  I'm listing the lyrics below. Please take a moment to read the words...

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change
at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden spring up from this ground
at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found
in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

As I sang these words tonight, they resonated in my heart. I thought of the dry, dusty ground outside, where technically it's virtually impossible for pretty vegetation to spring from.  Then I looked in my own heart, and was humbled as I remembered the dry, dusty, dirty ground that used to be there...until God.  As I sang those words, I was brought back to a time of desperation in my life, when I cried out to God from my desert of deadness, and He took it, and He made it beautiful. He did it. Out of the dust of my deadness sprung hope, and life, and beauty. Then, a speaker tonight used this verse and my heart broke in renewed desperation, as I heard and felt the water that God was pouring on my soul.
Ecclesiates 3:11
He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

This "dust" thing is by far not the theme of this conference, but it was definitely the theme that God had for me tonight. I had forgotten what it meant to be desperate for Him, to need His living water.  I forgot that I walk in a desert in this world, and that, though my life is changed, that dust is all around me.  I "got used to it", just like the Texans here get used to it being everywhere. Only by tapping in to His water can my soul stay watered. I had forgotten that desperation.  And in the meantime, a layer of dust had again began to accumulate on my beautiful thing.
The last part of that verse, to me, means that we can never fathom the work that God is doing in our lives. But, as long as he gives me another breath, it means that He's not done with that work in me. Therefore, I need to be desperate for Him, just like these Texans are desperate for rain to water their land and keep it from dying out completely. 
The song says that out of chaos life is being found...but only in Him! I have to be desperate, because this life IS chaos, and a desert, and only when I'm desperate will I stay where my soul can be watered by the One who makes it beautiful. 
I love how the last stanza of the song says not only has He MADE me new, but He's also still making me new, every day. I have to be desperate for Him. I WANT to be so thirsty for Him on a daily basis that I notice the smallest dry spell! 
Because He makes beautiful things out of the dust.
As long as I stay close to the source of the water, be deliberate about my choices, and let Him wash away all the dust!

Waiting

Ahh, waiting...definitely not my strong point! Peter and I are stuck in an airport in Dallas right now. Our plane was delayed and we're having to wait for it to leave Houston and head this way. My first reaction to this "delayed" news was that of irritation. Our day was going so good and we were going to get to Midland with plenty of time to relax and enjoy the scenery, maybe do a little shopping. Those were our plans, and I'm a "plan" kind of person. I don't react kindly when my plans are messed up...just ask my husband!
And now I'm being forced to wait for an unknown amount of time. It's just frustrating!
But then I heard something.
I overheard the ticket guy explaining to another passenger that our plane was delayed getting here because of a tornado in Florida. The plane's route had to be changed in order to maintain the safety of the passengers and to avoid the oncoming storm. My irritation suddenly seemed very petty and small when I considered the fact that I would hope pilots on a plane I'm on would put my safety first too!
Then I was suddenly reminded of Who the pilot of my life is and of how so very often I chart my own course, come up with my own flight plan, and then get irritated when my plans are delayed or changed because of unforeseen circumstances. 

I usually never stop to consider that I'm not the pilot, God is. I'm just the co-pilot, and sometimes really, I'm just a passenger, waiting to get to my next destination. I can't see the bigger picture, but He can. Those delays and waiting times should just be seen as opportunities to be busy where I am, and also as affirmation that the God of the universe has His hand of protection over my small little grouchy undeserving passenger of a self!
So I'm still waiting on my plane, but now I'm doing so with a smile on my face! I'm DELIBERATELY waiting. It has a purpose. Just like I know that God also has a purpose for every day of my life...even when I'm waiting!

More Than Lemonade!

A lemon is a strange fruit.
It's such a bright pretty color, and it has these huge green leaves on the stem.  To look at it, you'd never guess how incredibly sour tasting the actual fruit part is!  When I think about a fruit, my first thought is of eating it!  I personally would never eat a lemon by itself.  It's not the least bit enjoyable.  Peter and I gave both our kids lemons when they were babies just so we could laugh hysterically at the funny expression they made as they bit in to it!  I know, that's horrible...but it was also funny!
Be careful with that lemon juice though!  If the lemon juice squirts you in the eye, or gets in the tiniest cut, well, it hurts like a mug!
A lemon is one of those things in life that make me wonder exactly what God pictured us using them for when He created them?  Was there a grand purpose, or did God just want to laugh at us like I laughed at my own kids?! I'm just kidding. There's a purpose to everything God does!
A lemon CAN be used, and used well, once you know the correct ways to use it!
I love, love, love drinking an ice cold glass of water with some fresh lemon juice squeezed in.  Yum.  It makes my mouth water right now just thinking about it!  A little bit goes a long way though, so don't over-squeeze!
The lemon rind can be used in tons of cooking recipes.  I'm actually baking lemon cakes this weekend that call for lemon zest (the rind) and lemon juice!
Lemon juice can also be used to clean with, shine stainless steel, keep other fruits from discoloring, and kill germs on cutting boards!
And there are tons of other uses as well.  I don't like lemonade so that old adage "when life gives you a lemon, make lemonade" does NOT apply to me...but it may to you!
Like I said, a lemon is strange fruit.  It's a fruit that's not really eaten as a fruit.
But even though it appears sour and useless upon first inspection, if you dig deeper and try harder, you can find so many ways to use this beautiful fruit.
My life is that way occasionally. Honestly, more often than not! On the outside, it looks pretty, bright...but on the inside a bit of sourness creeps in.  An unexpected shock occurs and I make that scrunched-up face and stick my tongue out at the problem. Sometimes, I would rather put that lemon on the shelf and ignore it and it's sourness.  But, like the lemon, God has allowed this problem here for a purpose at this specific time in my life.  I have to dig deeper, look passed the sourness, and figure out where the good lies inside this particular lemon.  And there's always a good!  If I'm willing to put the effort into scraping the rind to get the zest of life, or putting pressure on it and working to get the juice out, it turns out good in the end.
I'm dealing with a bit of lemon right now, and it's been awesome to me, once I asked God to show me how to use it, to watch that lemon turn into something sweet instead of something sour.
When life serves you a lemon, don't just assume you're only choice is lemonade...make it creative, dig deeper and make that sour thing turn into something miraculously sweet in your life!  That's my prayer for you and I both!

The Mega-mind of Moms

All moms are genetically altered at the moment they give birth or bring a child into their home.  When you become a mom, your brain suddenly morphs into "mega" capacity.  Now, unlike your life BEFORE children, your brain suddenly has the ability to contain microscopic details, needs, emotions and whereabouts of numerous other people at ALL times.  And there is a reason that this happens!
You are no longer your own person. Unlike with marriage, where you basically share yourself with one person, and typically retain half of yourself.  Not any longer.  Oh no.  Now the half of yourself that you didn't give to your husband is split again, and again, and again. 
However, thanks to your mega-mind, it is easy for you, as a mom, to juggle the lives and necessities of three other people, plus the family pet!  At all times, you know what size clothing each person in the house is in, what they have enough of and what they need more of.  You know what foods each person does and does not like, and how to fix something that is nutritious as well as pleasing!  You, mother with the mega-mind, always know who's had what vaccines, when the next one is due, what the kids reactions are to that and what different signals mean that your child may be getting sick.  You know when your husband needs to get out of the house, when he needs more sleep, when he needs...something else, and when HE needs to go to the doctor.  You are the one who house-broke the dog, and you keep track of how many times the dog has been outside to do his business, what signals he gives when he needs to go out, if he needs more dog food, when HIS last vet check-up was, when he last had his nails cut, and you manage to teach him some neat tricks too. 
Yes, Mom, it's a good thing that you have your mega-mind!  Otherwise the constant scheduling and planning and knowing and doing for others would drain your normal brain.  You might not be able to keep track of all the groceries and the grocery shopping, the laundry, the kid's homework, paying the bills and balancing the accounts, cleaning the house, washing the kids, feeding the kids, teaching the kids, running the errands, washing the clothes, letting the dog out and in and out and in, scheduling appointments, and picking up kids from school right in the middle of your day, and always knowing what's on the schedule for the rest of the month.  Thanks to your mega-mind, the constant activity in your brain does not run you down!


Hmmm.  If only that were completely true!  It's a nice thought though!  I do think God wires mothers differently so that we ARE able to constantly keep track of "what's what" in each member of our family. 
Men, on the other hand.  Well.  I won't go there!