Illusions...My Hidden Life

Watching a magician perform a neat trick with slight of hand is a thing to behold.  Even though you know it's only an illusion, it still amazes you! How did he make it look like he was doing one thing, when, really, it was something totally different? You see the hand he wants you to see, and are totally unaware of what his other hand is doing. Even when you try to watch him carefully, you only see what he wants you to see.
Illusions aren't only performed by magicians. We normal people perform them every day. Think "Facebook"....

On social media we paint a rosy picture of our lives. We let the world see the good hand. And sometimes we give peeks into our real struggles. Usually only when we are desperate enough to ask for prayer or help. But often we only show the illusion. After all, what would people think if they knew what our hidden hand was doing? The illusion that we had it all together would crumble. They would know that what we were showing them wasn't the real us...
I hear people talk a lot about the illusions and problem-free lives that people portray on FB, when in reality their lives are crumbling around them. People scoff at "those" people. But really, we are ALL "those" people. We all have parts of ourselves and our lives that we don’t blast all over social media. And I think that's ok.  If you want to paint a rosy picture to the world, if you portray the illusion, you have the right to privacy and to keep personal things personal. But that can only be healthy on several conditions....

1) If you are married, you can't, and shouldn't, keep one hand hidden from your spouse. You are one flesh.   The spouse IS your other hand.  To be in unity you HAVE to share everything, especially the hard stuff, with each other. Sometimes, as I have personally learned in my own marriage, we keep things bottled up and hidden from our spouse, maybe because we want to protect them or don't want them to worry. Or we keep things to ourselves because we are afraid they will get mad, or it will stir up more strife...so instead, we continue the illusion. This is extremely dangerous to a healthy marriage because, before you know it, that one hidden thing has blossomed in multiple hidden feelings, hurts, thoughts, and behaviors, and your whole marriage has turned into just a show. It literally becomes a case of the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing. So talk to each other...with open hands! Be honest, even when it's hard.  Share the truth of your feelings with grace.  Because if you avoid the hard talks, you are left with only the illusion.  You are left with one hand doing one thing and  the other doing it's own thing and nothing getting done and just a big ol' mess! And that will be harder to deal with than the hardest of "deep" talks.
 

2) Share your secrets with a trustworthy sidekick.  You need to have people in your life who DO know what's really going on. They are there to help you and walk along side you. They encourage you and give you the necessary tools to get through the hard moments. They can be your sounding board when you’re trying to work through something.  They can let you know if something is a good idea or a bad idea. They help you carry your heavy bag of tricks and let you lean on them if the show falls apart. Basically, you need an outsider (NOT your spouse…and I would say not even a family member) who knows all your junk.  They are a neutral party.  They are there just to be your sidekick. This only works though, if, again, you talk to them…with truthful, open hands!

…Honestly, I fail at this one. I’ve come to realize lately that I keep people at an arm’s length.  I perform in front of them, draw them in, put on a good show, but I don’t really let them know what’s going on. I am great a surface friendships! (Doesn’t that sound lovely and alluring!) I have tons of friends. I do. But as for soul-baring deep confession friends? Not so much. I’m horrible at letting people see past the illusion. My trick of the trade is to let my guard down just enough to show some vulnerability, but keep it in place enough to also protect myself from sharing the truth. I'm a control freak and I think should be able to walk myself through success. Also, I’m afraid…Afraid they’ll see my failures, my struggles, and they won’t see me the same, afraid they’ll see me as a fraud.  The problem is, I long for intimate friendships, but I build walls to keep them away.  I’ve only recently realized that I’ve kind of always been this way. Even as a child, I over-analyzed everything, every nuance (except I didn’t know what that word was!) of every relationship.  It’s like I am always trying to figure out what people expect of me before I let down the wall so that I know how to perform the best and best control the situation.  Letting down those walls...well, sheesh, when you figure it out, let me know how to do it!

3) Don’t trick yourself. Ok, so, really, this is probably the first step to gaining a true side-kick and letting those walls down (which means I need to work on this one as well...ugh...why I am writing this?!). If you want to be a "one-man-show", you can.  You will be in control of each action and show.  But, ultimately, the best shows have sidekicks.  If you trick yourself into thinking you don't need help, you'll fail.  So don't trick yourself.  That means you have to be real and honest with who you are, what your strengths are and what your limitations are. You have to admit to yourself those areas where you are creating illusion. You have to allow people to give you pointers and criticism and you have to be willing to ask for help. Why? Because if you don’t, you start to live your whole life on a stage. You lose who you are. And that would be a very lonely existence.

4) Remember the Stage Manager/Director/Producer sees everything…Yes, I’m talking about God. He is not fooled by smoke and mirrors, or slight of hand. He sees everything you are doing. He knows best how to direct you and sees your flaws when you try to do it your own way. He shakes His head when you ignore your sidekick or have hands that aren't working together. Listen to Him.  Because our show is really His show. And His show isn’t about illusion. It’s about transparency. It’s about grace. It’s about representing Him. And He is the Great Redeemer of broken people. He sees the big picture of the show and He knows best how to make it truly applause worthy...

So it’s ok if you don’t want to tell everyone on FB that you are struggling financially, or that your marriage is in a rocky spot, or that your kids are driving you crazy, or that you are mad at God for something in your life, or that you made a horrible decision that you are dealing with.  It’s ok.  I don’t even mind seeing your illusion.  It’s a safe spot to be in within today’s “here’s my life” and "look at how great I am" world.  I feel like I, myself, land there more often than not. 

However, we can’t stay there. We can’t live there. It’s not sustainable. It’s an illusion. So let’s all be sure that when we ARE on the stage, our right hand knows what our left hand is doing (spouses), our trusty sidekick is backing us up, we aren’t fooling ourselves, and to always remember Who we are ultimately representing. And grace. Let's always offer grace to all the other people who are performing all around us. 
It's hard to be on life's stage. 
Let's cheer each other on!

Back to Egypt

It sounds ludicrous to us when we read that the Israelites actually WANTED to go back to Egypt and be slaves again, slaves where their lives were “bitter with hard bondage” instead of going forward to what God had waiting for them in the Promised Land.  But we do it.  The exact same thing.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

We go back to poor choices we've made in the past.  Or stay in the places we are when we know it's time to move on.
The children of Jacob were first led to Egypt as a direct result of selling their brother, Joseph, into slavery.  So, they kind of enslaved themselves...(Read the story of Joseph in Genesis 37 – 46…it’s a good read, with sibling rivalry and jealousy, slave trade and prison, famine and heroes, even sex... it’s pretty much got it all!). 
I never realized that selling their brother into slavery is what ultimately led them to be enslaved themselves almost 100 years later.  The Pharaoh during Joseph’s time loved him and welcomed his family. But when Joseph died, and that Pharaoh died, a new King rose over Egypt and the new Kind didn’t like this super-procreating group of foreigners who didn’t worship him and were living in his land…so he started forcing them to work for him.  Exodus 1:11 says “Therefore they did set over them taskmasters to afflict them with their burdens.” And verse 14 says “And the (Egyptians) made the children of Israel’s lives bitter with hard bondage”.  As the years raged on, their bondage and enslavement and abuse worsened.  Finally, none of the Israelites alive could even remember a time when they were living free. They maybe didn't remember that the poor choices of their forefathers, enslaving one of their brothers, had brought them to this very enslavement. They longed for freedom from their oppressors.

And God provided it.  God used his servant, Moses, to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt and toward a new land that He had promised to give them.  But there was a problem.  The “known” is always less scary and overwhelming than the “unknown”.  And even more often the enemies way is the easy way. You know, because he doesn’t fight you if you go his way! But, boy, does he fight you if you go the other way. Because he surely does not want you going God’s way. 
 
So, here they stood, free, and almost within arm’s grasp of the promise of God. And they faltered. It looked like it might be hard. After all, there are giants in them there hills!  And huge cities with even bigger walls. The fruit is good, sure. But getting to the good fruit is hard!  Ok, seriously, you have to read this! This is what they said once they heard the report of the land (Numbers 14:1-4):

“So all the congregation lifted up their voices and cried, and the people wept that night. (Ok,weeping, that’s understandable…)  And all the children of Israel complained against Moses and Aaron, and the whole congregation said to them, “If only we had died in the land of Egypt! Or only we had died in this wilderness! (What?! For real, you wish you had died in Egypt or the Wilderness rather than face this land? Ummm…they continue…) Why has the LORD brought us to this land to fall by the sword, that our wives and children should become victims? (Does anyone else think of ‘Real Wives of L.A.’ when they read that drama?) Would it not be better for us to return to Egypt?” So they said to one another, “Let us select a leader and return to Egypt.”

Are you kidding me?

It sounds ludicrous to us when we read that they actually WANTED to go back to Egypt and be slaves again, slaves where their lives were “bitter with hard bondage” instead of going forward to what God had waiting for them.  But we do it.  The exact same thing.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

We choose our way.  We choose sin. We choose the easy road.  We choose the known way. We choose to keep going back to our Egypt instead of shaking off those slavery clothes and putting on the clothes of freedom that Christ offers.  We let the enemy convince us that it was easier when we did things the old way.  We listen as he whispers in our ear that we were happier in bondage.  But we weren’t.  We were not!  And we will never be. 

God looked at them and said, You want to die in the Wilderness, in mindless wanderings and no place to call home, go for it.  And that’s what they did.  They walked in circles for 40 years, homeless…all because they were afraid of what God’s way might cost them.  What did their way cost them? Their lives.  Watching their children grow up in the middle of nothing, as nomads.  Never seeing the fullness of the promise of God. All because their hearts yearned to go back to Egypt.

So, today, I am searching my heart.  I know I have several “Egypt” moments in there.  What are some things that I’m refusing to let go of.  What are some seasons of my life that I need to move on from?  I can’t go back to Egypt and forward to the Promised Land at the same time…

It would be easy to blame those Egypt moments on other people, you know, like, it's so and so's fault that I'm here, or that I did that, or that I'm this way.  But, really, God allowed it.  So it's not their fault.  Just like God allowed all that happened to Joseph, and for his family to come to Egypt, and for them to be enslaved.  My Egypt is my Egypt. 

But, right now, at this moment in my life, I feel like I’m in the Wilderness, on the brink of the Jordan, on the edge of the choice…

How ‘bout you?  Will you choose to go back to Egypt?  If you’ve made that choice before, take heart! God will bring you back to the choice again.  He even does that with Israel! I’ll talk about that tomorrow! But for now…

Don’t go back to Egypt.  Don’t even want to.

Ugliness That Shall Not Be Mentioned

Every time I try to plan out what I think God is doing, or is going to do, it never turns out that way.
Never.
Never ever.
Not one, single, time.
So why do I continue to do it?!
Because I'm a hard-headed control-freak who just can't let go of my tightfisted grip on my life!
I also DESPISE waiting.


Ugh. For real, friends? Why can't I just wait and see?
I just knew after we signed the paper like we were scheduled to on Friday, October 3rd, that all would be revealed and God would shine a bright light from Heaven and we would follow a star to the home that would be ours. All my plans were hinging on that moment. Instead, due to problems with the Buyers Loan paperwork, we didn't close on Friday at all. Now, we are scheduled to close NEXT Friday, October 10th. 
All my plans for what God was planning fell apart...because God wasn't really planning any of that. Maybe He just knew that I was going to wake up yesterday and be upset about selling the house (see my post from yesterday!) Maybe He knew that I would have feelings to work through?  Maybe He also knew that this was the best way to work through them with me.
There's no "maybe" about it, friends.
He knew all along that this would happen, that Peter and I would be where we are right now, completely moved out of our home, living with his parents, hoping our house is completely 100% sold in the next 7 days, and with absolutely no plans whatsoever of how or when to move forward, or even in what direction to go.
So, what should I do?
Well, maybe I should do what God has clearly been telling me to do all along?
Pull MY hands back, throw MY plans to the side, and just....wait.
Waiting is the absolute hardest thing to do, isn't it?
Sitting in a waiting room of anywhere you feel like minutes are more like hours and you are easily irritated at all the people who seemingly get to go before you.
Waiting in traffic or getting behind slow drivers? Um, road rage anyone?
Waiting in line at a restaurant? Well, now, that's seriously just the recipe for disaster. I mean, come on: Hungry Person + Impatient Attitude + Waiting = Ugliness that shall not be mentioned!
(I don't act that way personally.  I just know people who do!)
My husband would surely chime in here (if I would wait a second and let him!) and mention how waiting on people to get ready and be ready to go on time is a serious threat to his blood pressure! ...I love you Peter!
Waiting.  We just don't ever like to do it.  But, sometimes, we just have to.
My daughter HATES to wait on anything.  And I always get irritated with her when she gets irritated about me making her wait.  Like I said on here yesterday, I am beginning to see that I am very often like a whiney little girl!  I'm glad God doesn't get irritated with me!  He just loves me anyway, and keeps teaching me, and keeps pushing me closer to Him.
He's good that way.  He doesn't give up on us.
Even when WE keep HIM waiting.
And, so, here I stand, in the waiting room of my life.
It may be minutes. It may be longer. 
But once He calls my name, it will all be worth it! And instead of getting angry and impatient while I'm waiting, I'm going to be deliberate, and do what one of my favorite songs says...
I'm going to (try to) worship while I'm waiting!




http://youtu.be/o9DTwLOxzhE

The Mad Little Girl

The little girl would NOT sit down in her seat like her Momma was telling her to.
Finally her Mom disciplined her and made her sit down.  The little girl, sitting on her sore bottom and crossing her arms stubbornly, said "I'm sitting down on the outside, but I'm still standing up on the inside."

Wow.  How often that little girl is me.
God tells me to do something, and after much feet-dragging and complaining, I finally obey Him and do what He said.  But, all the while, in my heart I am still saying "I'm obeying You on the outside, but on the inside - I wish I was doing what I wanted."

Today, we sign the papers and officially sell our house.  I'm not going to lie.  It is very hard for me.  Countless times over the last few weeks I have had misgiving and doubts and heart-to-heart talks with God.
I know selling our house is what God told us to do. I know it. But I don't like it. And, I am mourning that loss and I feel bad about it. I finally admitted to God this morning that I am little angry about it. I'm giving up my home and my security and comfort-zone and possibly my kids will have to change schools and we still don't have a place of our own!  I'm tired, so very tired of the unknown and the stress and what-ifs. I don't want to sell my house. I don't want to leave it, because I love all the memories there. I'm doing it because I know I need to, but I'm a little mad about it.
And this morning, God reminded me of the story of that little girl.  Because I am being just like her. Doing anything for God for the wrong reasons and with the wrong heart will never be easy.
But, even as I sit here with tears rolling down my face, God is still lovingly speaking peace to my heart.  He is still telling me, "It's ok, Deon, just let go. I've got this." 
I pulled up this blog this morning to write about my feelings of anger and I noticed the title of one of my previous posts earlier this year.  It was titled "When God's Plans Are Not My Plans".  It related to a totally different struggle that my husband and I faced at that time and how I wrestled with letting God plan things.  It was a huge slap on the rear end this morning, and exactly what I needed.
I don't want to be the stubborn little girl who obeys on the outside, but resists on the inside. And yet, I am she more often than not. 
Today, I am clinging to my Verse of the Year for 2014... Matthew 6:33 "But seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things you need will be given to you."
Today, I need peace. I need strength to sign those papers. I need encouragement. I need God's boldness to overcome my fears of the unknown. I fall desperately onto God's promises. And He catches me there... God, I'm seeking you. I'm laying at your feet.  I'm busted up and bruised, and, Lord, I'm stubborn most of the time!  But I want you first.  Help me lay myself aside.
Help me being obeying on the outside AND on the inside!

Where in the World are We Going?

In response to the multitude of times that Peter and I have been asked the question "where are you guys moving?"...
We really honestly have no idea what we are doing after this... A full year ago I felt God whisper in my heart "you're going to sell your house." 

I was at one of my cleaning jobs at the time, listening to a sermon podcast about trusting God. Immediately, I burst into tears. Happy tears for joy of feeling God's guidance in my life, and nervous anxious tears for what that guidance might cost. I've always told people that one of the coolest things I've experienced in my walk with God is how personal he is with each of us! He knows I'm a nervous step-taker who likes to pretend that I'm in charge and does not like change! And so, on the rare occasion that I'm walking close enough to him to hear his voice, he always gives me a heads up that  change is a-coming! Peter is more a spontaneous person and he loves change! All God has to do with him is point him in the right direction and he's off and running. The coolest part of those two things is that God uniquely made us and bonded us together to perfectly balance one another.
A few moths ago everything started to fall into place and the same week we both just knew that God was telling us to sell our house NOW. At first we kept trying to figure out what that meant and what house we were moving to...but then we both very clearly felt like God was saying for us to obey first, put our house on the market, and just wait for the next step. So, against all my control-freak ways, we did it! I freely admit that in back of my heart I believed this was maybe an Abraham/Isaac test of faith! Maybe we wouldn't actually sell the house but God would reveal the next step after we put it on the market!!
Well, our house sold in 9 days, we close in 2 weeks, and we are still waiting for that next step! Every day is a new lesson in trusting God!
From the get-go we have felt this whole time like God wanted us to sell the house before he was going to let us know what was next, and he apparently meant it, because every door we've tried to force open has slammed shut!
So, as of today, 5 days before we are officially out of our home, we still don't have a place lined up to be our permanent residence. And, maybe that's exactly the way God wants it! If so, I know his plan and his ways and his timing is so much better than mine could ever be. I may kick and scream and drag my heels against that truth most of the time, but at the end of the day I also know I can rest in it!
We have to store most of our stuff so we prayed about it and decided to just sell some of the bigger pieces so we don't have to worry about moving them or storing them.  We had to look and ask, is keeping this stuff really important? It's just stuff.
Yesterday we finally decided we are staying with Peter's parents for a few weeks. They could use the help... Our house went on the market the weekend that his Dad had surgery and found out he has terminal cancer. Coincidence? I think not.
Peter's parents are actually thinking about selling their house and want to downsize to something smaller on one level that's easier for them to manage. So, while we are there, we can help them get everything ready and help them with cleaning and caring for the yard and even cooking. Living with his parents (as much as we LOVE them!) is not what we would want to do for our first option, but if that's the way God's pushing then we are trying to just go with it. Of course, that's OUR tentative plan and that could all change and we could totally end up living who knows where?!! Again, I clearly feel that God is leading us first up to very edge, to the "brink" (like it says in Joshua 3) before he gives us the next instructions. We sign the final papers on October 3. Maybe we will know more after that? 

I'm learning to live a day at a time and it's been cool seeing things fall into place. However, it is also nerve-wracking and stressful and I think Peter and I have gotten into more arguments in the last month than we have in the last 12 years! And, ironically enough, that in itself has pushed us to dig deeper in our marriage and in our communication with one another.

We truly honestly are just taking it one day at a time, one step at a time. I am constantly reminded of two stories in the Bible: (1) when God told Abram to pack up his family and leave his homeland and go to "a place that He would show him"....God didn't reveal the next step of that plan to Abram until he obeyed and left his home and started off on the journey; and (2) when God told the children of Israel to cross the Jordan river, he told them that he wouldn't reveal the path across until the priests took the first step into the raging water and the soles of their feet were wet...then, when they stepped out in faith, He opened the waters and made a way for safe passage across!

Peter and I just finished leading our small group thru the "Experiencing God" study and it's been amazing to watch all of us in the group experience God working in our lives. I believe He ALWAYS is, we just aren't always listening! My prayer this last year has been for God to help me love Him more today than yesterday, and to love and see others the way He does. It has been a life-changing prayer.  
Anyway, at the end of the day, Peter and I want to be where God wants us to be, and want to be used to further His kingdom, whether that means living here in Clarksville in a nice house with his parents, maybe taking care of them, and serving in our church, or whether that means living in a tiny apartment in St Louis and preaching the Gospel to a group of people who desperately needs to hear it, or whether it means something entirely different that I haven't even considered yet (that's probably it!!)...

It has been a very humbling journey and I'm positive the lessons in humility are not close to being over! We are still very full of ourselves!! Our daily prayer is, "Lord- less of me, more of You."
Don't think I'm not scared or worried or stressed or anxious!! I am all of those things and it changes from minute to minute. But I'm also overflowing with hope, and love, and God's abundant grace!
I am also feeling extremely blessed and honored to be walking this journey with this awesome husband that God has given me! His desire to walk with God, to seek Him, to lead our family and teach our kids about trusting God, astounds me every day!
Minute by minute, trusting God...that's all I can do! Thankfully, it's more than enough! He's never let me down. And He never will!

The Plight of the Procrastinator

I have a love-hate relationship with dashes. You know, these kind “ –“.
The kind that get you from here to there.
6:00 – 7:00
Friday – Sunday
Beginning – End
Start – Finish
Yeah, those kind. Those moments in between beginning a project and finishing it, of actually doing the nitty, gritty, get-your-hands-dirty, time-consuming moments.
And that, my friend, is the plight of the procrastinator. 
It’s not that I don’t want to get started. I do. And sometimes I start, but then I get that overwhelmed feeling that only that ugly little dash brings. How do I accomplish this task? What’s the best way do it? How much time is it going to take? Do I have that much time? Is it worth it? Do I even know what I’m doing. Why is this even on my agenda?
Oh, that dreaded dash. I really hate it sometimes! Don’t get me wrong…I am a consummate list maker and I love to have a plan, and nothing feels better to me than checking things off that list. The list makes me feel like I’ve overcome the dash! I’ve found the way to get from here to there! It gives me the false sense of security and makes me feel that, just for moment, I am in control of my dashes! But sometimes, the list just seems overwhelming and I’m afraid those things aren’t going to get checked off in a timely fashion, so the best plan of action seems to be to just ignore them. Maybe they’ll run away back to the dark corner of undone things where they belong!

My husband is exactly the opposite though. He lives for the dash, the dash of doing! Of getting things done! He is the hero of the here-and-now. It drives me a little bit crazy. Ok, it drives me a lot bit crazy!
No procrastinator wants to be a procrastinator. We want to be the one that people can rely on, the one who gets projects done early, arrives on time, is always prepared, and never lets last minute plans get under our skin. 
But I have accepted that being a "dash-doer" is just not in the DNA of a procrastinator. That's why God places people like my husband in the lives of us lowly last-minuters. We help each other. Procrastinators typically work well under pressure and are usually creative people. I have perfect procrastinating mojo! God uniquely designs us so that we work well together. We "spur one another on to love and good works" just like Hebrews 10:24 says. Sometimes we spur gently, and other times we spur by saying "Get your butt in gear!" My husband is great spur-er. He (occasionally) spurs me on to keep running after that dash!
One day, maybe I’ll conquer it.
I think I’ll start tomorrow…

Ok, just kidding...sort of. But, for now, I would just say that I am tired of having undone dashes.
Procrastination is the thief of dreams. All you Dash-Doers out there (yes, you!), can you take a moment to kindly spur on us Perfect Procrastinators? We need your help! 
We don't NOT do stuff because we just don't want to. We're mostly scared. Scared of failing, scared of not finishing, scared of what finishing means...we need you. Let's walk along side one another, and spur one another on to love and good works! Let's be dream-builders together! Let's do the dash!

We Are ALL CRAZY KIDS

I swear to you, my kids go through this phase about every six months where they try to reassert their independence and convince me that they are wise enough to make choices on their own.  They are 6 and 9 years old!  Which means there is no way they are actually capable of doing so!  Ok, maybe a little, but come on, they will ALWAYS need Mom's help, whether they admit it or not!
My son, Caynin (who is 9 going on 16 apparently!) has become very opinionated and independent lately, which means he is constantly getting into trouble!
The other day, after he deliberately chose to disobey by choosing a behavior that I had already repeatedly told him not to do, he got in big-time trouble, and he did NOT like that.  In the process of me disciplining him, he was disrespectful to me, and his Father saw it and the wrath of Dad descended upon him (think thunder and lightening and all things scary!).  I appreciate the fact that my husband has always insisted that both kids treat me, as their Mom and his Wife, with respect!  An hour later Caynin and I ended up in the car together alone and as soon as he buckled his seatbelt he apologized for his earlier behavior.  When I looked into his eyes during that moment of apology I was struck by the sincere sorrow and repentance that I saw there, as opposed to the rebellious anger that was there earlier during the disciplining process.  My immediate thought was a reminder of how this was such a perfect picture of how we are with God.
I began explaining to Caynin about how the Bible says in Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."  I told him that the verse meant that if you don't correct your child's behavior, but you let them be rude and hateful, mean or disobedient, you're acting like you hate them because then that child will grow up to be a hateful, mean, adult that has no friends and that no one likes, and that wouldn't be good.  But the parent who loves their child wants that child to be the very best person they can, a child and adult who gets along with others, who behaves well in school, who has tons of friends, and so they will try to teach them to make better choices, and when they make the wrong choices they will teach them that hurtful things can happen and that it doesn't make them happy in the end.
Caynin and I ended up having a great conversation....and it the middle of it, I realized I was literally preaching to my own heart.  The day before this, I had finally admitted to myself that I had made a wrong choice a few months ago.  The choice wasn't to do something bad, it was actually a job FOR God!  But, the wrongness of it was that it was simply not the job that God wanted ME to be doing at that time.  But I did it anyway.  Because it was what I wanted to do, and I thought it would be fun, and I ran ahead of God and just expected Him to bless me.   Six months later, miserable and stressed and running into problems at every corner, and totally NOT at peace about it at all, I finally accepted that God was disciplining me because He loves me.  He was trying to get me to see that I had chose my own way, and my own way, even for a "good" thing, will never make me happy.
It was tough to take ownership of that and let go.  But I also reminded myself that, if this particular area is not where God wants me, well, it's because He wants to use me somewhere else and that's exciting!  Also, it means He is preparing someone else to do the job that I had taken on! And that's exciting!
God wants us to "grow up" spiritually and learn to make choices to follow His way and to allow Him to work through us.  He wants us to shine His light to the world.  And He will always discipline us so that we will be happy and at peace and serving Him, and serving others.  Ultimately, it just all works better that way.  Sometimes, I act like a crazy kid, just like my own children!  And then it takes some strict discipline and chastisement to help me see the error of my way!  It's not fun in the middle, but later, I'm always so glad that God loves me so much that He wants me to be my very best me!  And then, I too will look at God with that look of sorrow in my eyes, and He will look back at me with love and pride!
Two verses for an ending thought:

"For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." Heb 12:7 ESV

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."  Heb 12:11 ESV