Wednesday, October 19, 2011

7 Discipline Tools That Work For Me (and 2 that do NOT)

7 Discipline Tools That Work For Me (and 2 that do NOT)

It's been awhile since I've blogged about being a deliberate parent, but, as the last 48 hours have dramatically proven, it is ALWAYS at the forefront of my day...whether I want it to be or not! Okay, that's really a dumb statement. Who WANTS to be reminded of the challenges of parenthood? Especially the challenges of discipline?
Every few months it seems like one of my children find the need to test the boundaries, rules, and limits of their environment, pushing against authority and asserting their independence. Which makes me feel the need the push back. Hard. In a thousand different ways. Or just give up.
And there lies the complication.
Where do you draw the lines, and when do you draw new lines?
How hard is it for us to recognize signs that our kids need...a re-adjustment? Why is it easier to see this in OTHER people's children than it is in our own?
I mean, come on...we've all seen them: the out-of-control child at chick-fila who's parents aren't even watching them as they climb on TOP of the slide and kick the other kids as they come down; the three year old who drops to the floor in the grocery aisle screaming and crying because they want candy; the seven year who yells "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME" at his parents at the restaurant...and we've privately dissed scoffed at , um, talked about, their parents, reassuring ourselves that we'd never be so oblivious to our child's faults or be that much of a push-over if our child was terrorizing the playground or disrupting everyone's dinner.
But then it happens: the massive meltdown that takes you completely by surprise. And suddenly you are that parent — the one flailing to figure out what to do, wondering who is this little monster that has taken over your child's body, and how do you handle it? The truth is, every child presents discipline challenges at every age, and it's up to us to figure out how to handle them.
That, in itself, is what I believe is one of the biggest challenges of being a parent.  You're child is constantly growing and changing, and so is their attitude and their character.  Our job is to mold them into an adult who makes wise choices.
So why is discipline such a big dilemma? Because it feels like a tightrope act, in which you're constantly trying to find that perfect balance. On one side there's the peril of giving in too much — no one wants to raise a bratty kid, who turns in to a bratty adult who always expects to get their way. On the other side there's the fear of keeping tight control — who wants to be the control-freak raising cowed, sullen kids, who bust out in a fit of rebellion once they're an adult?
What we need is a comfortable middle ground to ensure that our little ones grow up to be respectful, caring, and well behaved.
I've been a mom for seven years and have found that some things work well and some do not...and so, here are seven discipline tools that have worked for me (and two that definitely have NOT!):

Tool #1) Lots of Love - I know love seems like a weird tool when talking about discipline, but I totally believe that in order for any other aspect of your discipline to make a difference, your children must know that you love them, and that you want the very best for them. Never take it for granted that your kids automatically know that you love them. 

Tool #2) Praise the Positive - As humans, we thrive on praise. This element of our emotional get-up is drastically important within the bounds of discipline. You NEVER want your child to learn that the only way to get your attention is when it is by garnashing negative attention. Therefore, you must work extremely hard to notice small things that your child does that are good (putting a toy up, eating all their food, taking their plate in the kitchen without having to be told, saying Thank You, sharing with others, helping their younger siblings with anything, etc.).  Too often, in the busyness of life these days, we are so consumed with going and doing that we miss the good things that our children are doing because they don't disrupt our thoughts.
- Now for the hard ones....
Tool #3) Set Real Rules and Boundaries & Clear Consequences - If you didn't know what the driving laws were, would it make it hard to follow them? What about if they changed on a daily basis; one day it was illegal to make U-turns but the next day it was okay? Would you be confused? So are kids when we don't clearly define rules and boundaries for them.  Clearly teaching them rules and boundaries teaches them to respect them, and to know that there are consequences if they make poor choices.  Children NEED rules and routine.  They thrive on it. 
Tool #4) ALWAYS win - Yes. I mean ALWAYS. When it comes to a show-down between your child and yourself over a breach of the afore mentioned boundaries, YOU must always win.  If you give in, you surrender your authority to your child, and show them that they are in control.  This is a hard one for me. There have been so many times as a parent that I want to just give in and let my child have their way.  And sometimes I have....until that same scenario played out a second time and I realized my error!
Tool #5) NEVER act out in Anger...but if you do, apologize - I would like to say that I have never acted out in anger verbally (yelling) or too quickly in punishment at my children.  But it would be a lie.  Parents are humans too, and if anyone can push our buttons, it's our kids.  My kids do make me lose my temper and then I either yell at them, or make the punishment too severe for the crime.  And then I feel bad.  If you've done this too, don't beat yourself up too bad.  Use it.  This is an opportunity to show them that nobody is perfect, and that is why we must all work our hardest to be nice and respectful to people and show them how we want them to treat us. 
Tool #6) Give Choices to Produce Good Choices - This is one that, in my opinion, applies more aptly to school age children, and should not be used for outright disobedience.  If Caynin, who is almost 7, does something wrong, like pulls his sister's hair, I may give him a choice of discipline.  "Do you want to sit in time-out for 8 minutes, or do you want to lose your game priveledges?"  He obviously wants neither, and will most usually tell me so.  That's when I tell him that London didn't want her hair pulled either, and he knew that, but he still did it...and now there is a consequence.  Making him choose forces him to think about WHY he is having to choose one of these despicable things, and, hopefully, will make him think twice about doing something he clearly knows not to in the future.

Tool #7) Consistency is KEY - Okay. Really. This is one that we've all heard time and again.  But it's so darn true!  NONE of the tools above will be at ALL useful if I'm not consistent or don't follow through.  Consistency builds character.  It does.  It clearly draws the lines, sets the stage, marks the territory, and instills balance in the child's life.  It lets them know that I mean what I say, that they can't talk me out of it, that I am the final authority, not them. I'm not gonna lie...it super duper hard.  Some days, you just plain don't feel like making the effort.  You get tired of always winning.  You don't want to have to tell your toddler for the 20th time not to touch the picture frame, and then have to lash out the consequence for doing so.  You don't like having to come up with new rules as your kids get older and explore more things, and assert independence.  But the way I look at it is...well, it IS easier.  I can fight a battle 3 times and then watch my son get it and never do it again and be super proud of myself and my child when it works OR I can fight that same battle over and over and over and over and over and be slightly embarrassed that I am the parent that all the other parents at playgroup are tsk-tsking about!  I WANT my kids to be good kids, to be fairly decent teenagers (come on, are ANY of them good?), and to be well-respected well-liked adults who make good choices. 
So it's work to be consistent.  But it's SOOOOO worth it!

Okay...the two that do NOT work:
1) NEVER reward bad behavior, or bribe good behavior - You would think this would be a given, but we're all guilty of it. When we're in the grocery store line and our child yells and screams they want candy, we think, just give it to them and it'll shut them up! What could it hurt? But it does hurt.  By doing this we're teaching them that if they're annoying and mean they get what they want.  What does that sound like? Yep. Bully. Let's not disillusion ourselves.  No mother ever wants her child to be a bully.  But, by rewarding bad behavior or bribing good behavior (if you're nice to your sister I'll let you play on my phone), we are giving birth to the bully genes in our child.  Beware.  Seriously, a child should NEVER (and by NEVER, I mean EVER) think throwing themselves on the floor and screaming or yelling and hitting is going to get them what they want.  We are teaching behavior when we give in to this.  Don't fall for it...you'll regret it until it's almost too late!  And by bribing our kids to do good we're not instilling in them the wisdom of making the right choice, but are instead teaching them that we only do good when there's something in it for us.

2) Never IGNORE bad behavior - When we ignore something, we're giving it permission to happen.  In essence we're letting them win a portion of the battleSeriously, I've never won doing this.  I've never gained a cotton-pickin' thing by doing this! Except maybe a headache!  Again, WE, as the parent, are responsible for teaching our kids appropriate behavior.  If you wouldn't want your child behaving a certain way with someone else, don't let them do it with you.  My husband actually was the one who drove this point home to me.  You're children should respect you ABOVE all other authority figures.  If they do things they know are wrong and you ignore it, you're giving them permission to not respect you, and therefore not respect anyone else.  Also, when you set rules and boundaries and consequences, none of it will make any difference.  They'll just throw a fit, you'll ignore it, nothing will get done, end of story.  No respect.

That's it. When it's all said and done, our kids love us and want us to love them. They WANT to make us happy, and proud, and thankful for them.
It's tough work being a parent. But I just try to remind myself that I AM the parent. I'm in charge. I WANT my kids to respect me now, when they're young, so that when they are older (teens), they will do so still...even though they'd never admit it. Then, when they're an adult, they'll love me for the loving parent I was!  And maybe, just maybe, want to be a parent just like me.  It's true. That's what I did, when I grew up! I went back, and thanked my parents for being tough parents!
I love you Mom and Dad! Thanks for whipping me into shape (physically, mentally, behaviorly, and emotionally).  I'm thankful for you!

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