Shedding Our Skin

Sixteen years ago, this boy had just asked this girl to be his forever. 

She said yes.

And has not regretted it a single day since then!

Reflecting on those last 16 years and looking at these two young 23 year old kids, I think the biggest lesson we’ve both learned is that we are not the same people we were then. We are not the same people we were 5 years ago. And we will, Lord willing, be different 5 years from now.

Because we grow and (hopefully!) we mature. And that’s a good thing. But we have to grow together in the same ultimate directions and still give each other the space and freedom to change. It's about transformation.

The seasons we go through change and shape us. We can either grow together, or we WILL grow apart.

I have a beautiful Crepe Myrtle tree in my yard and this summer it shed its bark. It does this when it reaches maturity. It literally outgrows its old skin and is ready to live in a new, even more beautiful and vibrant one. If I tried to keep the tree from changing, it would die. It IS the change that indicates it has flourished throughout the seasons, and BY changing it is prepared for its next seasons of life. The old bark cracks and falls off; some easily feathers away, and some comes off in shredded chunks and pieces.

Looking at this picture of my husband and I today, I was reminded of that process. The seasons we go through change us. Sometimes the days are easy, and sometimes the winters are harsh. But God provides the covering we need for every season and He always prepares us for the seasons to come - as long as we let Him change us. When our edges peel away, it’s a good thing. Sometimes the change will be easy, and sometimes the change will feel like it is shredding us...but it’s really preparing us, making us even better!

We can’t stay like we were. We shouldn’t want to. I want my husband to grow and change, mature, become more like the Maker, and I want to grow and change that way as well. We should both be changing and growing together, for the same purpose. Through every single season, good and bad.

A Little Gossip

Let’s talk about gossip. 

I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks. Funny enough, the subject came up exactly after I stated on Facebook that I was going to try to work hard on pushing my "pause button" before speaking or posting! So, in that moment, I forced myself to pause, and ponder this for a bit on my own. But now, I'm curious, and would like other input.
 

Do you know what gossip is?  Or, rather, do you know what gossip is NOT?

It’s NOT gossip to tell someone the facts of what happened to you personally. 
It’s NOT gossip to answer someone’s question about why you chose something. 
It’s NOT gossip to tell someone your first hand factual experience of a situation. 

Oxford Dictionary defines GOSSIP as “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.”

Some key words in this definition that stood out to me were “other people” and “details that are not confirmed as being true.”

So, for example, let’s say Jane and Billy Bob were involved in a car accident. The policeman shows up and asks what happened? Jane and Billy Bob give conflicting accounts. There are no other witnesses around. The cop ultimately sites Billy Bob for running the stop sign as there is clear evidence of him not braking at all, and Jane was barely going 10 miles an hour when hit. Billy Bob calls her a liar and storms off to his car. 

Later, when Jane gets home, her neighbor comes over and asks her what happened to her car? Jane replies that she was in a car accident. Her neighbor says, oh no, what happened? Jane tells her about her experience: reporting about stopping at the intersection, then pulling forward and how Billy Bob ran into the side of her car. She tells her neighbor how he tried to blame it on her, but the policeman stated that supporting evidence showed that Jane was in the right. Jane is still flustered and tells her neighbor this is first time she’s been involved in an accident. She says she can’t believe Billy Bob tried to say it was her fault and called her a liar. All of what Jane said was true, and was the facts about her own personal experience directly from her. She did not speculate about what Billy Bob did or add details. She did not go knock on her neighbors door and say, let me tell you what Billy Bob just did to me! Someone saw evidence of an issue in Jane’s life and asked her and she replied with the facts about her own life and her own first-hand experience. She even had a witness in the cop of Billy Bob calling her a liar and accusing her. 

Then, Billy Bob goes home, and his neighbor is out doing yard work. Billy Bob walks over to his neighbor and says “Women driver’s are the worst.” He tells him that he got a ticket because police are always nicer to women and didn’t believe him when he said Jane was driving distracted, and the cop probably thought she was cute and let her off! Billy Bob gave his point of view and his opinion of the situation, and he speculated bits of the truth to make it favorable to his way, but none of it was the actual facts, except for that he and Jane were involved in a car accident. He WAS gossiping about her supposed flirting and distracted driving.

Now, if Jane’s neighbor then goes to their other neighbor and says, “Do you know Billy Bob? Well, he almost killed Jane today because of his reckless driving in that big truck and then he yelled at her and called her a liar, can you believe it?” And then that neighbor replies, “Well, you know he has a criminal record, right? I heard he just got his license back the other day. That’s probably why he was so mad. He probably doesn’t have insurance! Jane should file a lawsuit against him!” 
And then Billy Bob’s neighbor goes to his friend and tells them that Jane lied about not driving distracted and she flirted with the cop to get away with it.

Well, THEY are ALL definitely gossiping. None of what they are talking about happened personally to them. Then, if THEY go tell other people and the story gets more out of alignment with truth, before you know it, Billy Bob’s girlfriend hears that Jane is going around telling everyone that Billy Bob is a criminal and almost killed her, does not have insurance, and threatened her life. None of which Jane actually said. And Jane’s boyfriend hears that people are calling her a flirt and a liar...which Billy Bob did actually say but did not actually happen.

THAT is what gossip is. 

Jane had every right to tell about her experience. It happened directly to her. Now, a question comes of, should Jane go tell everyone what happened to her to intentionally make Billy Bob look bad? No, I don’t think so. But that’s more of an ethical question, though, and not really about gossip.
   
So, my question is, what do you classify as gossip? 

If someone comes up to me and asks, “Why did you step away from that position?” Or, “What happened to your tree in your front yard?” If you give that person a facts-only answer to their question about you based off YOUR own personal experience with things in YOUR life, is that gossiping? 

Digging in after this has led me to a deeper morality question...

WHY we say the things we say? To me, this is the harder question.

What is my motivation?

 

I do believe that it is okay for me to give my own direct account of events that happened directly to me. I do NOT believe it is okay for me to do the above if my sole motivation is to hurt another person, or to damage their character. This is a VERY hard heart question when it involves someone who has wronged you.

Again, in our example, Billy Bob yelled at Jane and falsely accused her and DID go home and intentionally spread false information about her.
 

My husband and I talked last night about how difficult it is to turn the proverbial "other cheek." It is human nature to want to strike back, to want to correct an injustice against us. As a Christian, it is especially difficult when know those who are talking about you do not hold the same spiritual standards you do and openly attack your identity as a Christian. I've gritted my teeth at this a lot lately. 
However, at the end of the day, I had to ask myself a very important question: Do I want to be right more than I want to be kind?
I heard someone say recently "The best person is the one who does the right thing first."
I want to do the right thing.


My husband and I realized that these are opportunities to show our kids a couple of things:
1) Not everything you hear is true.
2) Your known character should speak so loudly that it's hard for people to believe contradictory things they may hear.
3) Your real friends will come to you.
4) How important it is to keep your own mouth shut because words hurt people.
5) Even if what we are saying is true, we should not intentionally damage/hurt other people.



That last one...I wanted to scream as I typed it. God's Word tells me to be kind to those that seek to do me harm, to PRAY for them, to do good to them, and (ugh) to love my enemies. (Luke 6)
So, back to our example:
Jane probably would have been heartbroken and hurt and embarrassed to find out what Billy Bob was gossiping about her. Most people would say she would have been well within her rights to bash and discredit him, to defend her character. But, after much soul searching and prayer, I think a person's character should speak for itself. Keeping your own mouth shut is often the hardest and most challenging exercise of your character.
Proverbs 18:21 has popped at me twice today from two different avenues! It says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." Hmm. I don't want to eat nasty, rotten fruit, so I shouldn't spew nasty, rotten things.
And, sometimes...often, the silence speaks so much louder than the gossip.
Even at Jesus' trial, when people were accusing and gossiping and lying, he just stayed quiet.
Which leads me back to the pause.
Great.
I'm going to go wrestle some more with controlling my tongue!