How Pain Knocks Some Sense into Us

Sunday, the trunk attacked me as I was getting something out.

I wasn't paying attention and didn't notice it wasn't raised all the way, so when I let go it konked me in the head. Today is the third day and the swelling has gone down but it is SORE! Combining that with the bandaged biopsy spot on my nose, and I for real look like I’ve been in a fight! 

And I have, of a sort.

The enemy plays really dirty and does not mind adding insult to injury. 

We know this, but we often get distracted and don't have our defenses all the way up, and so we get konked in the head.

I think it's easiest to get distracted in the waiting periods.

I am currently in a waiting period...the middle...of finding out my biopsy results from 3 spots. These three new scars are added to roughly two dozen others I have had in my lifetime. This will make the 4th scar on my face. The last one, three years ago last month, was the first one to come back positive for cancer. Scars are never fun, but the others were easier because I didn't really worry. Now I do. Last time, I had to have MORE surgery, and bigger scars. It was serious and scary. That makes facing it this time harder. This waiting for the phone call results is tough and, well, I have been fighting against despair and sadness and worry. And vanity.

These can all be distractions.

It’s a strange experience to undergo surgery on your face. To know there's a chance that, afterwards, you might not look like the you that you knew before the surgery. It's a hard thing to know you'll have a daily reminder of what happened staring you in the face.

Worry. Distractions.

As a sixteen year old girl, God gave me a verse that has become my life verse. It's not a feely-good empowering verse! It's a tough one to swallow. But God, in his mercy, wanted me to have hope. So he plastered Psalm 119:71 over all my scars. "It is good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your ways." 

These last few years, on different levels, have been tough on my self-esteem. When you don't think you struggle with vanity, beware...you may get konked in the head while you are distracted! 

I realized I was already struggling with feeling pretty before, and now I have to walk around with stitches and a bandage on my face. Worry. I have started thinking through the reality that I might have to get part of my nose cut off, and I have realized how vain I really am.

It's like a big konk in the head. A bruise to the heart.

Sunday’s message at church (ironically RIGHT after the trunk attacked me) was about having hope in suffering. 

My Pastor said: “Suffering and pain have a great power to do things to our heart. Bad and good. It can equally stir up self-centeredness and sin and also maturity and inspiration. Pain stretches us.”

It stretches us.

It konks us in the head and the heart. 

I have found myself praying more than once in the last few years, over different areas, faced with things that could be very hard, “God, please don’t let this be my story?” I understood in those moments that those hard things could be good, could bring glory to God. But it still didn't mean I wanted to pay the price if I didn't have to. It’s hard to walk in hope knowing things may NOT turn out how you hoped. Today, as I thought that, I thought about Jesus praying in the garden the night before he faced pain and torture, about him asking God to let salvation come another way if at all possible for him to avoid the pain of the cross, and yet then he said, but no matter what, YOUR will be done.

That's powerful on so many levels.

I WANT to accept God’s plan, like Jesus did. But I also find a measure of comfort knowing that even Jesus said, "God, if it be possible, please don’t let this hard thing be part of my story?"

It's that waiting period. That hard part of thinking, this might be really painful, and I don’t want to worry before I know. But it’s hard. I don’t want to freak out when/if I get the bad call. It’s hard. I don’t want to have part of my nose cut off, or have more cancer. It’s hard. Life is hard.

It is.

But God is good. I CAN trust His plan.

Today, I am praying that you and I both will rest securely in His plan in our lives in all the hard places right now. That we will be able to pray like Jesus, “Father, if You are willing, take this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.”  — Luke 22:41-42 

Light gets in best in the broken places. Scars can create deeper healing. Scars are places the bad stuff has been removed. It's pain with a purpose.

Some knocks happen to knock the bad stuff out and make room for the good stuff!



Letting Go and Digging Deeper

I told a friend the other day that I was going to start nicknaming God “Ironically” because of how often I jokingly say “ironically enough...” followed by some great thing God did. 

One of those moments happened today and also involved one of my favorite movies: FINDING NEMO! 

As I was driving to work this morning, I was thinking about skin cancer (I’m 39 and facing my third surgery today) and some other life challenges I am still facing and have faced recently. I thought about how God had repeatedly whispered the words “Let Go” to me for several weeks. Suddenly, I remembered the part in Nemo where Marlin and Dory are in the whale. The whale is helping them, but to Marlin it looks like they are trapped...swallowed up. He fights against it and becomes hopeless. When happy Dory says the whale is telling them to do something crazy, move further in, go deeper, Marlin resists, even tho Dory has been right in the past about crazy things. Dory tells him the whale is saying to “let go” but Marlin is scared. So the whale forces them to move by raising its tongue, but Marlin still stubbornly grabs on and then tries to keep Dory from falling, too. Dory tells him “It’s time to let go.” Marlin looks at the abyss beyond her, then back at Dory. He is scared, but he knows he has to make a choice...does he trust her and the whale and let go, or does he not? He closes his eyes, and lets go. And letting go actually sets him free! And delivers him to his next destination.

I thought today how accurate that is in my life right now. The problems surrounding me sometimes feel like they are going to swallow me. Sometimes I exhaust myself by trying to get out on my own. It feels like a hindrance. All the while Jesus is happily swimming next to me and saying, "This thing you’re in is actually going to help you get to your next destination, but YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME AND LET GO." Sometimes, he forces us to move deeper. Sometimes, he gets us to the end of our abilities to get us out of our way. But he doesn't force us to let go. He wants us to choose to trust him.

How often do we look at Jesus, who is asking us to fall WITH him, and we still choose to hold on and try to control things? How often do we look past Jesus at the unknown and choose to stay in the bad place that we can see? 

Well, “ironically enough”, after these thoughts I pulled up my FB memories and TWO of my memories over the last 7 years involve NEMO! 

People, YES, this is kind of funny to say that Jesus is speaking to me through a cartoon about a fish, but Jesus is so kind and good like that! He cares about us. He validates his words to us. He not only gave me one, but two validations that this reminder was from Him today! He doesn't just love us. He LOVES us!

He loves you. Are you listening?

Do you feel like you’re being swallowed up in the middle of your hard stuff today? Let go and fall with Jesus! Cast all your care on Him. Not only will it set you free of your worry and anxiety, it will deliver you to the next place you’re supposed to be! 

But the choice is yours! 

🐟 🐳 #2018Choose

(👇🏼 this is the movie clip, if you’re interested!)

https://youtu.be/O_u4h_N2lTw

Happiness is a Direction You Choose

Everyone wants to be happy.

We spend a lot of time looking around for things that will make us happy. We look to other people, ourselves, our job, our money, success, good health. We think if we just had this, or if they would just do that, or if I just wasn’t this way, I would be happy. 

We’re so busy looking around us that we miss the very thing, the only thing, that can truly make us happy. 

Sometimes, we need others to point it out because we are simply too caught up in our journey, and blinded by ourselves, to truly see.

My daughter pointed it out to me last night. It was right under my nose. Or I guess I should say "above" my nose.

I had gotten so used to it being there that I didn't see it anymore.

She reminded me to look up.

I was talking to my 10 year old daughter about choices, while I tucked her into bed. I almost always include this phrase when I pray with my kids at night: "Jesus, please give them wisdom to make good choices, and to see beyond the moment." Earlier that day I had told her and my son that at the beginning of each year, I prayerfully ask God to give me a word that He will use in my life that year, and that my word this year was CHOOSE. I told them I had already seen this year how greatly what I choose to do, or say, or go, or be affects my life and that some good choices are easy to make, and some are hard. I told them that some may not feel good in the moment, but after the moment passes we see how important it was to choose the right thing. I told them that even when bad, or sad, or hard things happen, it's okay to be sad, or mad, or cry, but we don't have to choose to stay there. We can choose to step into joy.
That night, after praying with my daughter, praying for her to have wisdom to make good choices, she said, "When you were talking today about your Word this year being CHOOSE I immediately looked up at that sign on the wall that you made that says 'Happiness is a direction you CHOOSE' and I also thought about that little chalkboard on your dresser that says 'CHOOSE'. I guess that's why you have them there, huh? To remind you?"

A million things went through my mind at once! I thought, wow, kids really are very observant and are processing stuff around them more than we think. And I also thought, in surprise, I forgot about the big huge sign on the wall in the living room!

We talked a bit more and I hugged her and told her goodnight. I walked into my bedroom, passed the little chalkboard sign, and smiled.

This morning, I walked into the living room, and looked up. Thanks to my daughter's reminder, I intentionally stopped and chose to look up.

"Happiness is a direction you CHOOSE."

I stood there, my neck craned back, staring at those words. I thought about how often we pursue things in front of us to try to make us happy. Or we get so used to the big sign on the wall, the thing in our home, that we don't even see it anymore. Usually it's because we are looking down, running after the wrong things. We look to our own hands and feet to bring us happiness. We think we are choosing the right direction.

But we forget to look up.

It's harder to look up. When we look up, we are looking away from ourselves. When we look up we can't even see ourselves. When we look up - we walk by faith, not by sight.

But we have to choose to look up.
Sometimes, we need others to remind us to adjust our focus.

Lysa TerKeurst says "We steer where we stare." In other words, we go where we are looking. If we choose to look at the wrong thing we will go the wrong way. If we choose to look only at sad things, we live in sadness. If we choose to look up, everything around us melts away and we choose the higher thing, the better thing.

Psalm 37:4 says it best..."Take delight [happiness] in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

God wants to give us happiness. We need only choose to look to him for it.

Shedding Our Skin

Sixteen years ago, this boy had just asked this girl to be his forever. 

She said yes.

And has not regretted it a single day since then!

Reflecting on those last 16 years and looking at these two young 23 year old kids, I think the biggest lesson we’ve both learned is that we are not the same people we were then. We are not the same people we were 5 years ago. And we will, Lord willing, be different 5 years from now.

Because we grow and (hopefully!) we mature. And that’s a good thing. But we have to grow together in the same ultimate directions and still give each other the space and freedom to change. It's about transformation.

The seasons we go through change and shape us. We can either grow together, or we WILL grow apart.

I have a beautiful Crepe Myrtle tree in my yard and this summer it shed its bark. It does this when it reaches maturity. It literally outgrows its old skin and is ready to live in a new, even more beautiful and vibrant one. If I tried to keep the tree from changing, it would die. It IS the change that indicates it has flourished throughout the seasons, and BY changing it is prepared for its next seasons of life. The old bark cracks and falls off; some easily feathers away, and some comes off in shredded chunks and pieces.

Looking at this picture of my husband and I today, I was reminded of that process. The seasons we go through change us. Sometimes the days are easy, and sometimes the winters are harsh. But God provides the covering we need for every season and He always prepares us for the seasons to come - as long as we let Him change us. When our edges peel away, it’s a good thing. Sometimes the change will be easy, and sometimes the change will feel like it is shredding us...but it’s really preparing us, making us even better!

We can’t stay like we were. We shouldn’t want to. I want my husband to grow and change, mature, become more like the Maker, and I want to grow and change that way as well. We should both be changing and growing together, for the same purpose. Through every single season, good and bad.

A Little Gossip

Let’s talk about gossip. 

I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks. Funny enough, the subject came up exactly after I stated on Facebook that I was going to try to work hard on pushing my "pause button" before speaking or posting! So, in that moment, I forced myself to pause, and ponder this for a bit on my own. But now, I'm curious, and would like other input.
 

Do you know what gossip is?  Or, rather, do you know what gossip is NOT?

It’s NOT gossip to tell someone the facts of what happened to you personally. 
It’s NOT gossip to answer someone’s question about why you chose something. 
It’s NOT gossip to tell someone your first hand factual experience of a situation. 

Oxford Dictionary defines GOSSIP as “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.”

Some key words in this definition that stood out to me were “other people” and “details that are not confirmed as being true.”

So, for example, let’s say Jane and Billy Bob were involved in a car accident. The policeman shows up and asks what happened? Jane and Billy Bob give conflicting accounts. There are no other witnesses around. The cop ultimately sites Billy Bob for running the stop sign as there is clear evidence of him not braking at all, and Jane was barely going 10 miles an hour when hit. Billy Bob calls her a liar and storms off to his car. 

Later, when Jane gets home, her neighbor comes over and asks her what happened to her car? Jane replies that she was in a car accident. Her neighbor says, oh no, what happened? Jane tells her about her experience: reporting about stopping at the intersection, then pulling forward and how Billy Bob ran into the side of her car. She tells her neighbor how he tried to blame it on her, but the policeman stated that supporting evidence showed that Jane was in the right. Jane is still flustered and tells her neighbor this is first time she’s been involved in an accident. She says she can’t believe Billy Bob tried to say it was her fault and called her a liar. All of what Jane said was true, and was the facts about her own personal experience directly from her. She did not speculate about what Billy Bob did or add details. She did not go knock on her neighbors door and say, let me tell you what Billy Bob just did to me! Someone saw evidence of an issue in Jane’s life and asked her and she replied with the facts about her own life and her own first-hand experience. She even had a witness in the cop of Billy Bob calling her a liar and accusing her. 

Then, Billy Bob goes home, and his neighbor is out doing yard work. Billy Bob walks over to his neighbor and says “Women driver’s are the worst.” He tells him that he got a ticket because police are always nicer to women and didn’t believe him when he said Jane was driving distracted, and the cop probably thought she was cute and let her off! Billy Bob gave his point of view and his opinion of the situation, and he speculated bits of the truth to make it favorable to his way, but none of it was the actual facts, except for that he and Jane were involved in a car accident. He WAS gossiping about her supposed flirting and distracted driving.

Now, if Jane’s neighbor then goes to their other neighbor and says, “Do you know Billy Bob? Well, he almost killed Jane today because of his reckless driving in that big truck and then he yelled at her and called her a liar, can you believe it?” And then that neighbor replies, “Well, you know he has a criminal record, right? I heard he just got his license back the other day. That’s probably why he was so mad. He probably doesn’t have insurance! Jane should file a lawsuit against him!” 
And then Billy Bob’s neighbor goes to his friend and tells them that Jane lied about not driving distracted and she flirted with the cop to get away with it.

Well, THEY are ALL definitely gossiping. None of what they are talking about happened personally to them. Then, if THEY go tell other people and the story gets more out of alignment with truth, before you know it, Billy Bob’s girlfriend hears that Jane is going around telling everyone that Billy Bob is a criminal and almost killed her, does not have insurance, and threatened her life. None of which Jane actually said. And Jane’s boyfriend hears that people are calling her a flirt and a liar...which Billy Bob did actually say but did not actually happen.

THAT is what gossip is. 

Jane had every right to tell about her experience. It happened directly to her. Now, a question comes of, should Jane go tell everyone what happened to her to intentionally make Billy Bob look bad? No, I don’t think so. But that’s more of an ethical question, though, and not really about gossip.
   
So, my question is, what do you classify as gossip? 

If someone comes up to me and asks, “Why did you step away from that position?” Or, “What happened to your tree in your front yard?” If you give that person a facts-only answer to their question about you based off YOUR own personal experience with things in YOUR life, is that gossiping? 

Digging in after this has led me to a deeper morality question...

WHY we say the things we say? To me, this is the harder question.

What is my motivation?

 

I do believe that it is okay for me to give my own direct account of events that happened directly to me. I do NOT believe it is okay for me to do the above if my sole motivation is to hurt another person, or to damage their character. This is a VERY hard heart question when it involves someone who has wronged you.

Again, in our example, Billy Bob yelled at Jane and falsely accused her and DID go home and intentionally spread false information about her.
 

My husband and I talked last night about how difficult it is to turn the proverbial "other cheek." It is human nature to want to strike back, to want to correct an injustice against us. As a Christian, it is especially difficult when know those who are talking about you do not hold the same spiritual standards you do and openly attack your identity as a Christian. I've gritted my teeth at this a lot lately. 
However, at the end of the day, I had to ask myself a very important question: Do I want to be right more than I want to be kind?
I heard someone say recently "The best person is the one who does the right thing first."
I want to do the right thing.


My husband and I realized that these are opportunities to show our kids a couple of things:
1) Not everything you hear is true.
2) Your known character should speak so loudly that it's hard for people to believe contradictory things they may hear.
3) Your real friends will come to you.
4) How important it is to keep your own mouth shut because words hurt people.
5) Even if what we are saying is true, we should not intentionally damage/hurt other people.



That last one...I wanted to scream as I typed it. God's Word tells me to be kind to those that seek to do me harm, to PRAY for them, to do good to them, and (ugh) to love my enemies. (Luke 6)
So, back to our example:
Jane probably would have been heartbroken and hurt and embarrassed to find out what Billy Bob was gossiping about her. Most people would say she would have been well within her rights to bash and discredit him, to defend her character. But, after much soul searching and prayer, I think a person's character should speak for itself. Keeping your own mouth shut is often the hardest and most challenging exercise of your character.
Proverbs 18:21 has popped at me twice today from two different avenues! It says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." Hmm. I don't want to eat nasty, rotten fruit, so I shouldn't spew nasty, rotten things.
And, sometimes...often, the silence speaks so much louder than the gossip.
Even at Jesus' trial, when people were accusing and gossiping and lying, he just stayed quiet.
Which leads me back to the pause.
Great.
I'm going to go wrestle some more with controlling my tongue!
 

 

The Mission Trip that Took Me On

 

Would you be willing for God to take you where you don’t want to go, or through things that are hard, if it gets you to where you need to be?

I asked myself that question early last year.

And it has been a wild ride...most of which has NOT been fun or easy. But, I can also honestly say that I am closer to where I need to be, closer to God, and more at peace.

One of those little challenges to my heart happened recently in the form of a MISSION TRIP.

I feel like people have mixed feelings when a friend or family member announces they are going on a “mission trip” and are raising money to do so. I know I have had my own skeptical feelings about it in the past. Not that good things aren’t done on most Mission Trips, I know they are, please don't mistake that! But, I guess I was always slightly skeptical of some people’s motives for going, or of thinking that it might be more beneficial to just send the money instead of raising money to send the person. My church has sponsored many mission trips in the 10 years that I’ve been here, and good things were accomplished. Still, I never felt the call to go myself.

Until now.

I always say that one of my favorite things about God is how uniquely personal he is with each of us! He knows I’m a stubborn mess and he has to give me a head start to warm up to things. He’s pretty consistently gracious with me that way!

In April, I went to a well-known Women’s Conference, where one of their focuses for this year was a drive to sponsor children in the Dominican Republic through the highly respected group Compassion International. I felt my heart give a little thud, but I waved it away. This was not for me.

It was a 4 hour drive home from that conference and my friend that attended with me is a very well traveled individual. Chatting about travel on the way home I asked her what her least favorite destination was? Without the slightest hesitation, she answered, “The D.R. (Dominican Republic). I couldn’t wait to leave, and have no desire to go back. It was an awful trip.”

I thought, Oh, well that doesn’t sound promising… It kind of helped me the close the door tightly on whatever stirring was bubbling in my heart.

A few weeks later, it was announced that our church would be partnering with Compassion International to take a group to the Dominican Republic in November, and asked for interested parties to meet after church. I felt that annoying tug on my heart again. But this time, I told myself I just felt it because the D.R. had come up numerous times recently in different ways. It was just coincidence and that it was definitely NOT God trying to get my attention.

But...He did have my attention. And, throughout that day, I found myself half-heartedly trying to rationalize why this type of thing would never be possible for me right now. I didn’t even say anything to my husband. Why mention something that I didn’t feel was realistic or pertinent?

The next day, at work, my phone rang. It said it was my husband’s work number but when I answered, it was actually his co-worker, who goes to church with us. She said she had a question for me. She said she had attended the interest meeting yesterday for the Mission Trip to the Dominican Republic, and on her way home, she was thinking she might ask someone to come with her, and she felt like God immediately brought me to her mind and told her to ask me.

My stomach dropped.

She went on to give me the details and the cost, and said she thought, if I were interested, we might be able to come up with some fundraisers together. I told her I would think about it and let her know.

I hung up, and sat there in shock for a minute.

This was not going away.

Was God really pushing me toward this?

After all my skepticism over the years? And to the Dominican Republic where my friend had just said was her least liked place to visit? And why now? The last year has been crazy for our family. We traveled a lot recently, by a series of coincidental big life things happening close together, and also because we needed some good family time to heal and recoup and rest. Then, not too long ago, my husband and I unexpectedly lost a good chunk of our monthly income and money has been much tighter. So my immediate response was, we simply do not have the money right now to do this. And, I would feel bad asking people to sponsor me on a trip after taking and funding other trips on my own this year.

I had just made up my mind that the trip was not possible, when my husband called. When I explained, I thought he would probably agree with me and all my reasoning. But he didn’t. He said, “Honey, don’t you think if God really wants you to go, he can provide the means for you however he chooses?” I said, “Uh, yeah. But, we’re trying to get out of debt, and I just feel like if I’m going to put effort into raising money I would feel bad if I were willing to do it for this but not to be more diligent toward our own debt. It would feel like not being a good steward.” The next day, repeating that to a very wise friend, she said, “You know sometimes with God the answer isn’t 'either/or', it’s 'yes.' Yes, be diligent with eliminating debt. Yes, be wise with your finances. And yes, trust God to provide for this trip, whatever that means.”

That was two weeks ago. And I have dug my heels in as long as I can.

I finally realized/accepted that I have been unwilling to say “yes” because I’m scared that God is really calling me to do this. Primarily to change ME. And I’m scared of what I will have to admit to myself about myself.

The things He calls us to ALWAYS change us first.

Saying “yes” is hard for me because it doesn’t make sense for me financially right now. It doesn’t make sense time-wise within our family. It doesn’t make sense that it’s the Dominican Republic, because I don’t really want to go there! It just doesn’t make sense.

But all those reasons that don’t make sense to me are why I already know this is God working first and foremost on a mission for MY heart.  That makes sense. Because that's what HE does.

God is always on a mission to make us more like him. If I could do this under my own power, I wouldn’t have to trust God to work it out.

Saying “yes” to this would mean asking people for help, which is hard for me. It would mean putting myself in possible uncomfortable and unknown situations. It would mean opening my heart more and allowing God to sift out some of the yucky places there. It would, undoubtedly, mean confronting face to face one or two of my own struggles, and surrendering places I am holding back from God.

But saying no would cost me so much more.

I’m so guilty of always trying to figure out God’s plan BEFORE taking a step. That’s not faith. That’s analyzing a situation until it makes sense.

Faith is what you CAN'T see. Faith is trusting in what doesn’t make sense.

It’s then that I remember everything is God’s anyway.

I was reminded of that about a week ago. In one day, our bank account was hacked and someone stole around $800. Then I tripped in the rain and busted up my knee. Then my husband was in a car accident, totaling his car and getting banged up a little, but walking/limping away.

The following Sunday at church, the message was about hearing God speak. One of the things the Pastor said was that God wants us to confront our own self-righteousness, get ourselves out of the way so we can hear him. That painfully poked my heart. I’ve been convicted a lot lately about my own struggle with humility. If I decided to go on this trip because I wanted to visit this place and thought it would be a great vacation/trip, I would question my motives. But because of the great and gracious setup God had given me weeks before, I didn’t have to worry about that! I didn’t really WANT to go there, thanks to my friend’s less-than-lovely comments about her experience! I thought about how I had been so worried about our financial situation, and letting those worries convince me not to take certain steps toward God. And in one day, God showed me that NONE of it was really mine anyway, and could be gone in the blink of an eye. 

That’s a humbling thought. But a good reminder...that God always sets our hearts up for success. We just have to be willing to see him. And what I'm seeing now is a bunch of little idols hidden inside in my heart.

So I’m saying yes to this Mission Trip. And seeing what happens!

Also, just in case you wondered, I have already revised my opinion of Mission Trips. Because I know now that God starts the mission for more of your heart WAY before you ever even leave on the trip! His mission is to change us in the process of maybe changing someone else, as well...

Fumbling with Forgiveness

I’ve been struggling hard the last few weeks with something that I don’t like.

Forgiveness.
Specifically, forgiving “enemies”.
It’s hard enough to forgive someone who you felt wronged you when they are close to you, a friend or family member. But we’re not only called to forgive the ones who we feel deserve it, or the ones that we like.
We are just called to forgive. And keep on forgiving. A whole bunch of times, even if they do the same thing over again.

I think I just vomited in my mouth a little bit…

I’ve learned this lesson before, but I have to keep learning it. Probably because I LIKE to forget it!

When I was 16, God allowed me to go through a couple good, hard, heartbreaking things in one year. In desperation, I clung to promises of God. I read my Bible like a starving person. And the overwhelming push from him throughout that time was for me to rest in God, let him take care of it, and to try my very best to forgive the ones who had hurt me.

That forgiveness didn’t happen overnight.

Emotions are a crazy and turbulent thing. We can’t control them, but we CAN corral them. God took me on a year-long journey of learning what real forgiveness was, and truly embracing for the first time what God’s forgiveness of MY wrongs to him really cost.

A favorite song of mine right now says, “When I was your foe, still your love fought for me.”

Take that in for a minute…
I was a foe, an enemy, of God.
I actually told him out loud once that I hated him.

And, still, he ran after me, he fought for me. He fought through my anger, and rebellion, and stubbornness, and he never stopped.  

He died for me.

Ephesians 4:32 is what hit me the hardest… “Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

As a 16 year old baby Christian, I read that verse and had to ask, So, how did God forgive me?

The answer was hard to swallow then, and it’s hard now.

He forgave me when I hated him.

He forgave me when I did things wrong against him.
He forgave me when I did things that hurt other people.
He forgave me when I tried to fill myself up with everything except him.
He forgave me BEFORE I ever asked for it, and when I definitely did not deserve it.
And…he keeps on forgiving me. Every. Single. Time.
His love, and his forgiveness, never run out.
Unconditional.

Take a big gulp, because...that’s how we are supposed to forgive others: before they ask, or deserve it, before they act nicer to us, or change, and even if they do it again!

So, here I am now, 22 years later, having to re-learn that same thing. People have hurt me lately. But people always hurt other people at one time or another. Because we’re people! I think that’s why, in Ephesians, we were admonished to be kind and compassionate to each other! Because we ALL have been hurt and will hurt others. 

You’ve probably heard the saying “Hurt people hurt people.” Meaning, of course, that, like a wounded animal reacts defensively, so do hurt and wounded people.

But, not God.
God reacts by fighting FOR us. He offers up himself as a hiding place for us. He offers to heal our wounds. He forgives.
And so must we.

It is, honestly, one of the truest representations of God’s love shown in human form, to love and forgive those who do not love and forgive us.

Jesus’ own words, recorded in Luke 6 verse 27 say it perfectly:

“But I say to you, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other cheek also, and from one who takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt either. If love only those who love you, what benefit is it to you? For even the ungodly love those who love them.  And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same…But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.”

Oh, I cannot tell you how that equally rips my heart and is a precious, healing balm to it!

I’ve spent weeks, maybe months, roiling in my mind and heart over injustice and hurts and pondering how I can make it right. I’ve said things in response that I shouldn’t have (…ie: wounded animal!), and I just knew the day would come when the wrongs against me would be righted.

But, maybe, maybe this whole time it was an opportunity to see God’s merciful love and forgiveness.  To live that out in front of others?!

I WANT to show that.

It’s hard. It is definitely a wrestling point and it takes so much effort in our human hearts!

But, much like that 16 year old girl learned a long time ago, the payoff is so much bigger and better than our own fumbling actions could ever produce!

So, corral those emotions rumbling around, and offer them over to God, and ask him to help you forgive...