Would you be willing for God to take you where you don’t want to go, or through things that are hard, if it gets you to where you need to be?
I asked myself that question early last year.
And it has been a wild ride...most of which has NOT been fun or easy. But, I can also honestly say that I am closer to where I need to be, closer to God, and more at peace.
One of those little challenges to my heart happened recently in the form of a MISSION TRIP.
I feel like people have mixed feelings when a friend or family member announces they are going on a “mission trip” and are raising money to do so. I know I have had my own skeptical feelings about it in the past. Not that good things aren’t done on most Mission Trips, I know they are, please don't mistake that! But, I guess I was always slightly skeptical of some people’s motives for going, or of thinking that it might be more beneficial to just send the money instead of raising money to send the person. My church has sponsored many mission trips in the 10 years that I’ve been here, and good things were accomplished. Still, I never felt the call to go myself.
Until now.
I always say that one of my favorite things about God is how uniquely personal he is with each of us! He knows I’m a stubborn mess and he has to give me a head start to warm up to things. He’s pretty consistently gracious with me that way!
In April, I went to a well-known Women’s Conference, where one of their focuses for this year was a drive to sponsor children in the Dominican Republic through the highly respected group Compassion International. I felt my heart give a little thud, but I waved it away. This was not for me.
It was a 4 hour drive home from that conference and my friend that attended with me is a very well traveled individual. Chatting about travel on the way home I asked her what her least favorite destination was? Without the slightest hesitation, she answered, “The D.R. (Dominican Republic). I couldn’t wait to leave, and have no desire to go back. It was an awful trip.”
I thought, Oh, well that doesn’t sound promising… It kind of helped me the close the door tightly on whatever stirring was bubbling in my heart.
A few weeks later, it was announced that our church would be partnering with Compassion International to take a group to the Dominican Republic in November, and asked for interested parties to meet after church. I felt that annoying tug on my heart again. But this time, I told myself I just felt it because the D.R. had come up numerous times recently in different ways. It was just coincidence and that it was definitely NOT God trying to get my attention.
But...He did have my attention. And, throughout that day, I found myself half-heartedly trying to rationalize why this type of thing would never be possible for me right now. I didn’t even say anything to my husband. Why mention something that I didn’t feel was realistic or pertinent?
The next day, at work, my phone rang. It said it was my husband’s work number but when I answered, it was actually his co-worker, who goes to church with us. She said she had a question for me. She said she had attended the interest meeting yesterday for the Mission Trip to the Dominican Republic, and on her way home, she was thinking she might ask someone to come with her, and she felt like God immediately brought me to her mind and told her to ask me.
My stomach dropped.
She went on to give me the details and the cost, and said she thought, if I were interested, we might be able to come up with some fundraisers together. I told her I would think about it and let her know.
I hung up, and sat there in shock for a minute.
This was not going away.
Was God really pushing me toward this?
After all my skepticism over the years? And to the Dominican Republic where my friend had just said was her least liked place to visit? And why now? The last year has been crazy for our family. We traveled a lot recently, by a series of coincidental big life things happening close together, and also because we needed some good family time to heal and recoup and rest. Then, not too long ago, my husband and I unexpectedly lost a good chunk of our monthly income and money has been much tighter. So my immediate response was, we simply do not have the money right now to do this. And, I would feel bad asking people to sponsor me on a trip after taking and funding other trips on my own this year.
I had just made up my mind that the trip was not possible, when my husband called. When I explained, I thought he would probably agree with me and all my reasoning. But he didn’t. He said, “Honey, don’t you think if God really wants you to go, he can provide the means for you however he chooses?” I said, “Uh, yeah. But, we’re trying to get out of debt, and I just feel like if I’m going to put effort into raising money I would feel bad if I were willing to do it for this but not to be more diligent toward our own debt. It would feel like not being a good steward.” The next day, repeating that to a very wise friend, she said, “You know sometimes with God the answer isn’t 'either/or', it’s 'yes.' Yes, be diligent with eliminating debt. Yes, be wise with your finances. And yes, trust God to provide for this trip, whatever that means.”
I finally realized/accepted that I have been unwilling to say “yes” because I’m scared that God is really calling me to do this. Primarily to change ME. And I’m scared of what I will have to admit to myself about myself.
The things He calls us to ALWAYS change us first.
Saying “yes” is hard for me because it doesn’t make sense for me financially right now. It doesn’t make sense time-wise within our family. It doesn’t make sense that it’s the Dominican Republic, because I don’t really want to go there! It just doesn’t make sense.
But all those reasons that don’t make sense to me are why I already know this is God working first and foremost on a mission for MY heart. That makes sense. Because that's what HE does.
God is always on a mission to make us more like him. If I could do this under my own power, I wouldn’t have to trust God to work it out.
Saying “yes” to this would mean asking people for help, which is hard for me. It would mean putting myself in possible uncomfortable and unknown situations. It would mean opening my heart more and allowing God to sift out some of the yucky places there. It would, undoubtedly, mean confronting face to face one or two of my own struggles, and surrendering places I am holding back from God.
But saying no would cost me so much more.
I’m so guilty of always trying to figure out God’s plan BEFORE taking a step. That’s not faith. That’s analyzing a situation until it makes sense.
Faith is what you CAN'T see. Faith is trusting in what doesn’t make sense.
It’s then that I remember everything is God’s anyway.
I was reminded of that about a week ago. In one day, our bank account was hacked and someone stole around $800. Then I tripped in the rain and busted up my knee. Then my husband was in a car accident, totaling his car and getting banged up a little, but walking/limping away.
The following Sunday at church, the message was about hearing God speak. One of the things the Pastor said was that God wants us to confront our own self-righteousness, get ourselves out of the way so we can hear him. That painfully poked my heart. I’ve been convicted a lot lately about my own struggle with humility. If I decided to go on this trip because I wanted to visit this place and thought it would be a great vacation/trip, I would question my motives. But because of the great and gracious setup God had given me weeks before, I didn’t have to worry about that! I didn’t really WANT to go there, thanks to my friend’s less-than-lovely comments about her experience! I thought about how I had been so worried about our financial situation, and letting those worries convince me not to take certain steps toward God. And in one day, God showed me that NONE of it was really mine anyway, and could be gone in the blink of an eye.
That’s a humbling thought. But a good reminder...that God always sets our hearts up for success. We just have to be willing to see him. And what I'm seeing now is a bunch of little idols hidden inside in my heart.
So I’m saying yes to this Mission Trip. And seeing what happens!
Also, just in case you wondered, I have already revised my opinion of Mission Trips. Because I know now that God starts the mission for more of your heart WAY before you ever even leave on the trip! His mission is to change us in the process of maybe changing someone else, as well...
