Ugliness That Shall Not Be Mentioned

Every time I try to plan out what I think God is doing, or is going to do, it never turns out that way.
Never.
Never ever.
Not one, single, time.
So why do I continue to do it?!
Because I'm a hard-headed control-freak who just can't let go of my tightfisted grip on my life!
I also DESPISE waiting.


Ugh. For real, friends? Why can't I just wait and see?
I just knew after we signed the paper like we were scheduled to on Friday, October 3rd, that all would be revealed and God would shine a bright light from Heaven and we would follow a star to the home that would be ours. All my plans were hinging on that moment. Instead, due to problems with the Buyers Loan paperwork, we didn't close on Friday at all. Now, we are scheduled to close NEXT Friday, October 10th. 
All my plans for what God was planning fell apart...because God wasn't really planning any of that. Maybe He just knew that I was going to wake up yesterday and be upset about selling the house (see my post from yesterday!) Maybe He knew that I would have feelings to work through?  Maybe He also knew that this was the best way to work through them with me.
There's no "maybe" about it, friends.
He knew all along that this would happen, that Peter and I would be where we are right now, completely moved out of our home, living with his parents, hoping our house is completely 100% sold in the next 7 days, and with absolutely no plans whatsoever of how or when to move forward, or even in what direction to go.
So, what should I do?
Well, maybe I should do what God has clearly been telling me to do all along?
Pull MY hands back, throw MY plans to the side, and just....wait.
Waiting is the absolute hardest thing to do, isn't it?
Sitting in a waiting room of anywhere you feel like minutes are more like hours and you are easily irritated at all the people who seemingly get to go before you.
Waiting in traffic or getting behind slow drivers? Um, road rage anyone?
Waiting in line at a restaurant? Well, now, that's seriously just the recipe for disaster. I mean, come on: Hungry Person + Impatient Attitude + Waiting = Ugliness that shall not be mentioned!
(I don't act that way personally.  I just know people who do!)
My husband would surely chime in here (if I would wait a second and let him!) and mention how waiting on people to get ready and be ready to go on time is a serious threat to his blood pressure! ...I love you Peter!
Waiting.  We just don't ever like to do it.  But, sometimes, we just have to.
My daughter HATES to wait on anything.  And I always get irritated with her when she gets irritated about me making her wait.  Like I said on here yesterday, I am beginning to see that I am very often like a whiney little girl!  I'm glad God doesn't get irritated with me!  He just loves me anyway, and keeps teaching me, and keeps pushing me closer to Him.
He's good that way.  He doesn't give up on us.
Even when WE keep HIM waiting.
And, so, here I stand, in the waiting room of my life.
It may be minutes. It may be longer. 
But once He calls my name, it will all be worth it! And instead of getting angry and impatient while I'm waiting, I'm going to be deliberate, and do what one of my favorite songs says...
I'm going to (try to) worship while I'm waiting!




http://youtu.be/o9DTwLOxzhE

The Mad Little Girl

The little girl would NOT sit down in her seat like her Momma was telling her to.
Finally her Mom disciplined her and made her sit down.  The little girl, sitting on her sore bottom and crossing her arms stubbornly, said "I'm sitting down on the outside, but I'm still standing up on the inside."

Wow.  How often that little girl is me.
God tells me to do something, and after much feet-dragging and complaining, I finally obey Him and do what He said.  But, all the while, in my heart I am still saying "I'm obeying You on the outside, but on the inside - I wish I was doing what I wanted."

Today, we sign the papers and officially sell our house.  I'm not going to lie.  It is very hard for me.  Countless times over the last few weeks I have had misgiving and doubts and heart-to-heart talks with God.
I know selling our house is what God told us to do. I know it. But I don't like it. And, I am mourning that loss and I feel bad about it. I finally admitted to God this morning that I am little angry about it. I'm giving up my home and my security and comfort-zone and possibly my kids will have to change schools and we still don't have a place of our own!  I'm tired, so very tired of the unknown and the stress and what-ifs. I don't want to sell my house. I don't want to leave it, because I love all the memories there. I'm doing it because I know I need to, but I'm a little mad about it.
And this morning, God reminded me of the story of that little girl.  Because I am being just like her. Doing anything for God for the wrong reasons and with the wrong heart will never be easy.
But, even as I sit here with tears rolling down my face, God is still lovingly speaking peace to my heart.  He is still telling me, "It's ok, Deon, just let go. I've got this." 
I pulled up this blog this morning to write about my feelings of anger and I noticed the title of one of my previous posts earlier this year.  It was titled "When God's Plans Are Not My Plans".  It related to a totally different struggle that my husband and I faced at that time and how I wrestled with letting God plan things.  It was a huge slap on the rear end this morning, and exactly what I needed.
I don't want to be the stubborn little girl who obeys on the outside, but resists on the inside. And yet, I am she more often than not. 
Today, I am clinging to my Verse of the Year for 2014... Matthew 6:33 "But seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things you need will be given to you."
Today, I need peace. I need strength to sign those papers. I need encouragement. I need God's boldness to overcome my fears of the unknown. I fall desperately onto God's promises. And He catches me there... God, I'm seeking you. I'm laying at your feet.  I'm busted up and bruised, and, Lord, I'm stubborn most of the time!  But I want you first.  Help me lay myself aside.
Help me being obeying on the outside AND on the inside!

Where in the World are We Going?

In response to the multitude of times that Peter and I have been asked the question "where are you guys moving?"...
We really honestly have no idea what we are doing after this... A full year ago I felt God whisper in my heart "you're going to sell your house." 

I was at one of my cleaning jobs at the time, listening to a sermon podcast about trusting God. Immediately, I burst into tears. Happy tears for joy of feeling God's guidance in my life, and nervous anxious tears for what that guidance might cost. I've always told people that one of the coolest things I've experienced in my walk with God is how personal he is with each of us! He knows I'm a nervous step-taker who likes to pretend that I'm in charge and does not like change! And so, on the rare occasion that I'm walking close enough to him to hear his voice, he always gives me a heads up that  change is a-coming! Peter is more a spontaneous person and he loves change! All God has to do with him is point him in the right direction and he's off and running. The coolest part of those two things is that God uniquely made us and bonded us together to perfectly balance one another.
A few moths ago everything started to fall into place and the same week we both just knew that God was telling us to sell our house NOW. At first we kept trying to figure out what that meant and what house we were moving to...but then we both very clearly felt like God was saying for us to obey first, put our house on the market, and just wait for the next step. So, against all my control-freak ways, we did it! I freely admit that in back of my heart I believed this was maybe an Abraham/Isaac test of faith! Maybe we wouldn't actually sell the house but God would reveal the next step after we put it on the market!!
Well, our house sold in 9 days, we close in 2 weeks, and we are still waiting for that next step! Every day is a new lesson in trusting God!
From the get-go we have felt this whole time like God wanted us to sell the house before he was going to let us know what was next, and he apparently meant it, because every door we've tried to force open has slammed shut!
So, as of today, 5 days before we are officially out of our home, we still don't have a place lined up to be our permanent residence. And, maybe that's exactly the way God wants it! If so, I know his plan and his ways and his timing is so much better than mine could ever be. I may kick and scream and drag my heels against that truth most of the time, but at the end of the day I also know I can rest in it!
We have to store most of our stuff so we prayed about it and decided to just sell some of the bigger pieces so we don't have to worry about moving them or storing them.  We had to look and ask, is keeping this stuff really important? It's just stuff.
Yesterday we finally decided we are staying with Peter's parents for a few weeks. They could use the help... Our house went on the market the weekend that his Dad had surgery and found out he has terminal cancer. Coincidence? I think not.
Peter's parents are actually thinking about selling their house and want to downsize to something smaller on one level that's easier for them to manage. So, while we are there, we can help them get everything ready and help them with cleaning and caring for the yard and even cooking. Living with his parents (as much as we LOVE them!) is not what we would want to do for our first option, but if that's the way God's pushing then we are trying to just go with it. Of course, that's OUR tentative plan and that could all change and we could totally end up living who knows where?!! Again, I clearly feel that God is leading us first up to very edge, to the "brink" (like it says in Joshua 3) before he gives us the next instructions. We sign the final papers on October 3. Maybe we will know more after that? 

I'm learning to live a day at a time and it's been cool seeing things fall into place. However, it is also nerve-wracking and stressful and I think Peter and I have gotten into more arguments in the last month than we have in the last 12 years! And, ironically enough, that in itself has pushed us to dig deeper in our marriage and in our communication with one another.

We truly honestly are just taking it one day at a time, one step at a time. I am constantly reminded of two stories in the Bible: (1) when God told Abram to pack up his family and leave his homeland and go to "a place that He would show him"....God didn't reveal the next step of that plan to Abram until he obeyed and left his home and started off on the journey; and (2) when God told the children of Israel to cross the Jordan river, he told them that he wouldn't reveal the path across until the priests took the first step into the raging water and the soles of their feet were wet...then, when they stepped out in faith, He opened the waters and made a way for safe passage across!

Peter and I just finished leading our small group thru the "Experiencing God" study and it's been amazing to watch all of us in the group experience God working in our lives. I believe He ALWAYS is, we just aren't always listening! My prayer this last year has been for God to help me love Him more today than yesterday, and to love and see others the way He does. It has been a life-changing prayer.  
Anyway, at the end of the day, Peter and I want to be where God wants us to be, and want to be used to further His kingdom, whether that means living here in Clarksville in a nice house with his parents, maybe taking care of them, and serving in our church, or whether that means living in a tiny apartment in St Louis and preaching the Gospel to a group of people who desperately needs to hear it, or whether it means something entirely different that I haven't even considered yet (that's probably it!!)...

It has been a very humbling journey and I'm positive the lessons in humility are not close to being over! We are still very full of ourselves!! Our daily prayer is, "Lord- less of me, more of You."
Don't think I'm not scared or worried or stressed or anxious!! I am all of those things and it changes from minute to minute. But I'm also overflowing with hope, and love, and God's abundant grace!
I am also feeling extremely blessed and honored to be walking this journey with this awesome husband that God has given me! His desire to walk with God, to seek Him, to lead our family and teach our kids about trusting God, astounds me every day!
Minute by minute, trusting God...that's all I can do! Thankfully, it's more than enough! He's never let me down. And He never will!

The Plight of the Procrastinator

I have a love-hate relationship with dashes. You know, these kind “ –“.
The kind that get you from here to there.
6:00 – 7:00
Friday – Sunday
Beginning – End
Start – Finish
Yeah, those kind. Those moments in between beginning a project and finishing it, of actually doing the nitty, gritty, get-your-hands-dirty, time-consuming moments.
And that, my friend, is the plight of the procrastinator. 
It’s not that I don’t want to get started. I do. And sometimes I start, but then I get that overwhelmed feeling that only that ugly little dash brings. How do I accomplish this task? What’s the best way do it? How much time is it going to take? Do I have that much time? Is it worth it? Do I even know what I’m doing. Why is this even on my agenda?
Oh, that dreaded dash. I really hate it sometimes! Don’t get me wrong…I am a consummate list maker and I love to have a plan, and nothing feels better to me than checking things off that list. The list makes me feel like I’ve overcome the dash! I’ve found the way to get from here to there! It gives me the false sense of security and makes me feel that, just for moment, I am in control of my dashes! But sometimes, the list just seems overwhelming and I’m afraid those things aren’t going to get checked off in a timely fashion, so the best plan of action seems to be to just ignore them. Maybe they’ll run away back to the dark corner of undone things where they belong!

My husband is exactly the opposite though. He lives for the dash, the dash of doing! Of getting things done! He is the hero of the here-and-now. It drives me a little bit crazy. Ok, it drives me a lot bit crazy!
No procrastinator wants to be a procrastinator. We want to be the one that people can rely on, the one who gets projects done early, arrives on time, is always prepared, and never lets last minute plans get under our skin. 
But I have accepted that being a "dash-doer" is just not in the DNA of a procrastinator. That's why God places people like my husband in the lives of us lowly last-minuters. We help each other. Procrastinators typically work well under pressure and are usually creative people. I have perfect procrastinating mojo! God uniquely designs us so that we work well together. We "spur one another on to love and good works" just like Hebrews 10:24 says. Sometimes we spur gently, and other times we spur by saying "Get your butt in gear!" My husband is great spur-er. He (occasionally) spurs me on to keep running after that dash!
One day, maybe I’ll conquer it.
I think I’ll start tomorrow…

Ok, just kidding...sort of. But, for now, I would just say that I am tired of having undone dashes.
Procrastination is the thief of dreams. All you Dash-Doers out there (yes, you!), can you take a moment to kindly spur on us Perfect Procrastinators? We need your help! 
We don't NOT do stuff because we just don't want to. We're mostly scared. Scared of failing, scared of not finishing, scared of what finishing means...we need you. Let's walk along side one another, and spur one another on to love and good works! Let's be dream-builders together! Let's do the dash!

We Are ALL CRAZY KIDS

I swear to you, my kids go through this phase about every six months where they try to reassert their independence and convince me that they are wise enough to make choices on their own.  They are 6 and 9 years old!  Which means there is no way they are actually capable of doing so!  Ok, maybe a little, but come on, they will ALWAYS need Mom's help, whether they admit it or not!
My son, Caynin (who is 9 going on 16 apparently!) has become very opinionated and independent lately, which means he is constantly getting into trouble!
The other day, after he deliberately chose to disobey by choosing a behavior that I had already repeatedly told him not to do, he got in big-time trouble, and he did NOT like that.  In the process of me disciplining him, he was disrespectful to me, and his Father saw it and the wrath of Dad descended upon him (think thunder and lightening and all things scary!).  I appreciate the fact that my husband has always insisted that both kids treat me, as their Mom and his Wife, with respect!  An hour later Caynin and I ended up in the car together alone and as soon as he buckled his seatbelt he apologized for his earlier behavior.  When I looked into his eyes during that moment of apology I was struck by the sincere sorrow and repentance that I saw there, as opposed to the rebellious anger that was there earlier during the disciplining process.  My immediate thought was a reminder of how this was such a perfect picture of how we are with God.
I began explaining to Caynin about how the Bible says in Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."  I told him that the verse meant that if you don't correct your child's behavior, but you let them be rude and hateful, mean or disobedient, you're acting like you hate them because then that child will grow up to be a hateful, mean, adult that has no friends and that no one likes, and that wouldn't be good.  But the parent who loves their child wants that child to be the very best person they can, a child and adult who gets along with others, who behaves well in school, who has tons of friends, and so they will try to teach them to make better choices, and when they make the wrong choices they will teach them that hurtful things can happen and that it doesn't make them happy in the end.
Caynin and I ended up having a great conversation....and it the middle of it, I realized I was literally preaching to my own heart.  The day before this, I had finally admitted to myself that I had made a wrong choice a few months ago.  The choice wasn't to do something bad, it was actually a job FOR God!  But, the wrongness of it was that it was simply not the job that God wanted ME to be doing at that time.  But I did it anyway.  Because it was what I wanted to do, and I thought it would be fun, and I ran ahead of God and just expected Him to bless me.   Six months later, miserable and stressed and running into problems at every corner, and totally NOT at peace about it at all, I finally accepted that God was disciplining me because He loves me.  He was trying to get me to see that I had chose my own way, and my own way, even for a "good" thing, will never make me happy.
It was tough to take ownership of that and let go.  But I also reminded myself that, if this particular area is not where God wants me, well, it's because He wants to use me somewhere else and that's exciting!  Also, it means He is preparing someone else to do the job that I had taken on! And that's exciting!
God wants us to "grow up" spiritually and learn to make choices to follow His way and to allow Him to work through us.  He wants us to shine His light to the world.  And He will always discipline us so that we will be happy and at peace and serving Him, and serving others.  Ultimately, it just all works better that way.  Sometimes, I act like a crazy kid, just like my own children!  And then it takes some strict discipline and chastisement to help me see the error of my way!  It's not fun in the middle, but later, I'm always so glad that God loves me so much that He wants me to be my very best me!  And then, I too will look at God with that look of sorrow in my eyes, and He will look back at me with love and pride!
Two verses for an ending thought:

"For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." Heb 12:7 ESV

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."  Heb 12:11 ESV

My Response to the "World Vision" fiasco: Some of you may be shocked!

 

A few days ago, like most of the “church” world, I was surprised by the announcement of the Christian-based organization World Vision International that they would begin employing “married gay couples”.  “Surprised” is the word I was.  A little confused. But not angry.

The whole issue was brought to my attention first by, of course, the barrage of Facebook comments from friends.  My Christian friends were outraged, “disgusted” was the word someone used, and hurt by what they saw as the betrayal of an organization that had heretofore claimed that it hung closely on Biblical morals.  My non-Christian friends were praising World Vision and excited about a religious organization finally “getting it right” as they saw it, and accepting people, and opening their doors to the homosexual Christian society.

Me?  Well, I guess I was somewhere in the middle. (Me in the gray area?! Don’t worry, that’s not the part I thought would surprise you!)  I didn’t immediately form an opinion, or jump on one bandwagon or another. I read several blogs of respected people, some for and some against, I watched my friends battle it out over Facebook, I read up on World Vision’s actual announcement and why they said they made that decision, and I just kept thinking one thing…

 

What would Jesus do?  What would his response be if He were here today? 

As I prayed I suddenly thought about a passage of scripture I had read at some point.  I couldn’t remember exactly where it was, so I had to search for it, but I finally found it in Mark chapter 9…

38 And John answered him, saying, Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us.

39 But Jesus said, Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me.

40 For he that is not against us is on our part.
41 For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward.
42 And whosoever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea.

This scripture stood out to me because Jesus basically told them that, if these other people were doing it in his name, let them do it!  I love how he says: For he that is not against us is on our side!

Then right after that he talks about helping little ones that believe in him, and not offending them.

So what would Jesus do?  I think Jesus would treat World Vision like he did those people the Apostles told him about.  I think he would say, Hey, they are doing a good thing, helping little children in my name.  Just because they don’t “follow” our way exactly, or they do things a little differently, well, things done in my name will never be done in vain. 

He will get the glory.  And maybe, just maybe, some expected person along the way would be changed because of it?  That would be my hope.

I also found this scripture when I was looking for the other one...it’s about a lady that was walking behind Jesus and the Apostles and crying after them to have mercy on her daughter whom she thought was possessed.  It says she was “crying aloud” or screaming after them to listen to her.  This was Jesus’ and the Apostles response in Matthew 15:

23 But he (Jesus) answered her not a word. And his disciples came and besought him, saying, Send her away; for she crieth after us.

24 But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.

25 Then came she and worshipped him, saying, Lord, help me.

26 But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs.

When I read this, I thought, here was a woman who was not a follower of Jesus, and she was not a Jew. She was actually a Canaanite, who worshipped false gods, and the Jews couldn't stand her. But here she was, probably at the end of her rope, doing whatever she could to help her daughter.  Jesus’ disciples felt like she was bugging them and wanted Jesus to send her away, get rid of her, so they could get busy doing his work.  What they said here reminded me of what they said in the other passage in Mark about those who “follow us not”.  They are again saying, Hey Jesus, this lady doesn’t believe things the way we do.  Send her away. 

I’m so curious as to why Jesus was silent at first before the disciples finally spoke!  I really feel like it was to see what his followers would do, how they would respond to this one who was not like them.  Would they sneer their noses and want her out of their presence, or would they have compassion on her, even though she was unworthy and not like them?  Well, true to form (and so much like we Christ-followers today still do!) they responded by wanting her to go away, leave them alone, not mar their work. 

Jesus then responds to them all, again still teaching EVERYONE at this point (his disciples AND the Canaanite woman), by saying “I’m here to save my people, the children of Israel”.  The lady then comes to him and asks for his help.  Jesus tells her that it’s not right to take food that is for your kids and give it to the dogs under the table.  That sounds harsh but it was his way of stating what the Jews, his disciples, were already thinking, for they called all Canaanites dogs!  To me, this would be like Christians looking at World Vision and saying, well it’s not right to give a job that a regular Christian could have helping kids in Christ’s name to a gay person.  To me it’s similar because of what happens next…

Matthew 15:

27 And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters' table.

28 Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.

She came to Jesus not to help herself, or because she thought she needed help.  She came to get help for a child.  She believed Jesus could help.  She was an outsider and she knew it.  But she came anyway.

“Homosexual Christians” is a title that makes every fundamental Christian have eye twitches and cringe in anger.  To many of us, we consider that an impossibility.  To many of us, they are dogs that do not deserve to share the title of “Christian” with us.  We want them to stay away.  Not be a part of anything we are doing.  As far as World Vision goes, if a gay person came into a Christian organization to help a child, well, what if they began to “eat of the crumbs”, and what if they saw Jesus’ compassion and truth and honesty and gentleness in the hearts of those Christians they worked with? What if they saw Jesus working all around them? Would it change them?  If we want them to stay away, how do we expect them to change?  This woman's life, and her daughter's life, never would have changed if the disciples had gotten their way.

Here comes the part that may surprise some of you who feel like I am too liberal on this particular topic…

I can see why hiring a homosexual couple would not match World Vision’s contractual description for their employees.  I can see why the evangelical Christian world was upset about this announcement that goes against World Vision’s previous strict code of Biblical moral ethics. Are you surpised?!!  I agreed it wasn’t the best idea and seemed confusing and to go against what they stand for!

But…(hey, come on, you knew there was "but" in there!), my angst, as always, comes in seeing how the Christians response today was much like the Apostles and disciples response of long ago: outrage and disgust and irritation.  We want to “forbid” it!  Tell them to stop!  That is not our way, you are not following us, you can’t do that and say you are a Christian organization, don’t give that “dog” any of our food…

What would Jesus do?  Well, ironically enough, it seems he did the same thing he did when dealing with Canaanite woman.  He waited.  He “answered not a word” and waited to see what we would do. 

And what did we do?  We bullied World Vision into doing it our way and keeping the outcast away, shooing the “dog” away from table.  And we got our way.  World Vision changed their ruling and "forbid" the gay community from working with them in Jesus name. 

This is a quote from Rachel Held Evans’ blog about this topic:

“it puts into stark, unsettling relief just how out-of-control the evangelical obsession with homosexuality has become. Organizations don’t get “farewelled” for hiring divorcees. People don’t get kicked out of their churches for struggling with pride or for not wearing head coverings when they pray.  (See “Everyone’s a Biblical Literalist Until You Bring Up Gluttony.”) But when it comes to homosexuality, Trevin Wax and many others have decided “the gospel is at stake.” 

See Rachel's whole blog about this here: (note: I don't agree wit all her ideas, but she does bring up good points!)http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/world-vision?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+RachelHeldEvans+%28Rachel+Held+Evans+-+Blog%29 Now, before you get bent out of shape, let me say this: I DO disagree with World Vision’s choice to allow gay “married” employees.  I feel like that is recognizing sin and choosing to justify it by the world’s rules.  I do, however, feel like World Vision DID try to welcome the outcasts to the table, they just didn't necessarily do it the right way!  I feel like it would have been ok to hire a gay person with the understanding that they remain single and celibate while in their employ.  It would be the same as hiring an alcoholic and asking them to remain sober and stay away from alcohol while in their employ.  It's the whole "you live in our house, you abide by our rules" thing.  However, even the way it happened, I do feel like it could have still been recovered and used for the cause of Christ.

These two scriptures have one thing in common…both of these groups of people worshipped Jesus and did things in his name.  They didn’t do it perfectly, or right.  But they claimed faith in his name.  Jesus praised one for her abundant faith, and told his disciples to leave the other ones alone because they were still doing things in his name.

That was what I personally felt my response to the World Vision thing would be…just leave them alone, let them do things in Jesus’ name, let them keep helping “the least of these” and, in midst of that, dropping bread crumbs to those who don’t even know they’re starving.

“For he that is not against us is on our part.”

Now, we (Christians) have again angered the homosexual community, we have bullied them and cast them away, we treated them like they are not worthy of any crumb from our table.  And we threatened and forced a group of Christians to bend to our will.  That’s not the message of Jesus.

What would Jesus do?

I think he would have said, Don’t forbid them.  They want to do something in my name? Let them.  Because in doing so, they WILL be exposed to those crumbs that fall from my table.  My Word will go out.  My name will be praised.  And it will not return void.

I know I’ll get some backlash for this…please just be kind.  Again, I’m not saying it was a good choice for World Vision.  All am saying is that our response to that could have been different.  I’m sure if we all dug deeper into World Vision’s Statement of Faith there would be many things that many of us would disagree with them on.   But we don’t dig. Because we don’t really care about those other things.  Why? Because we feel like they are doing a good thing in Jesus’ name.  I still feel like they would have been capable of doing a good thing in Jesus’ name.  Who knows how this might have changed the Christian/Homosexual war that is raging in our society right now? 

I’ll leave you with this thought:

Jesus showed compassion.  That doesn’t mean he didn’t call sin for what it was, or ignored it, or accepted it.  He spoke the truth always.  But, even then, he did so with compassion, always offering a place at his table, even if that place began with just the crumbs.

When God's Plans Are Not Your Plans

I am a planner.
And a control freak. 
I am also a woman and a Mom, which I believe triples the struggle for those two things. Unfortunately, I am just not the best at organizing my time correctly to manage all those plans.

Rarely (and I mean RARELY) do things EVER go as I plan for them to.

But, I still keep planning and making my lists and doing my research and plotting the path that I feel like is best. 

And when it all falls apart, so do I. It’s a lesson you’d think I’d have learned by now, right? How many times do I have to fail before I let go of control and surrender to God?

Apparently, a LOT.

Today, my plan to get my husband well fell apart in a devastating way, and true to form, I fell apart too.

Are you wondering what happened?

Well, so am I!

Ok, actually, I know what happened. And I know what I need to do. And it’s the scariest thing for me.

The PLAN

At the beginning of this year, my Bible study group did an exercise where we all picked a word, song, and verse of the year that we felt like encapsulated everything we felt God wanted for us during 2014.  Immediately, the first word that came to my mind was PLAN.  At first, I thought God was saying I need to plan my time better and stop just saying I’m going to do certain things (lose weight, exercise, write on this blog more, etc.) and start planning to do those things with an actual plan that I follow.  Shortly after that, though, God dropped my “verse of the year” on me…I literally woke up one morning and it was in my head. He had to do that. Why? Because I was trying to pick my verse myself and had spent time pouring over scripture looking up verses that applied to the way
I wanted that “Plan” to mean.  Instead, He gave me a verse that was opposite of that.
He gave me Matthew 6:33-34.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to
you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is it’s own trouble.”

What I heard God saying to me in those verses was this:
STOP TRYING TO PLAN STUFF YOURSELF!!!! Just seek Me, let Me plan it, follow Me, and it’s all going to be taken care of. Don’t worry about tomorrow.  I’m already there. And I have a plan for it too.

In the coming weeks and months, I would fall back in desperation on those verses so often. They have become my constant reminder. And God knew I would need it, because I am still trying to plan things, and still trying to trust Him, and still learning what it means to truly seek Him.

My husband is 34 years old and is very sick. And has been for a very long time. 17 years, to be exact. During that time, his symptoms have multiplied about every two years and current symptoms have only gotten worse. We’ve seen multiple specialist and none of them can tell us why all these things are happening to him. Basically, they all just seem to want to put a “band-aide” on the problem, treat the symptoms, but not stop whatever is wreaking havoc on his body.  The last 2 years have been torturous.  The last six months…have broken us both.  I honestly feel like I’m sitting and watching his body slowly shut down from the inside, and no one can tell us why.

So what did I do?
I came up with a plan (of course!).
Over the years I have spent numerous hours researching and looking up Peter’s symptoms and then adding more symptoms to the search and narrowing it down and emailing doctors and looking for any other medical document that lists all his symptoms.  I finally came up with a plan of action and moved on it!  I thought I had found the solution and that, if we could just raise $3500 to get us to the clinic in Florida and have a simple surgery, it would fix him.  I was sure that God had led me that way…because it made sense.  And because it was something that I could do.

I researched the symptoms.

I found the clinic.

I called and checked it out.

I filled out the application.

I submitted all his medical records.
I set up the donation website to get us there.

I told everyone that I KNEW this was it.

I FAILED.

After 3 weeks of waiting, we heard back from the clinic today and the doctor’s there who reviewed Peter’s medical history basically said that he was too sick and had too many problems to have a parathyroid tumor and it NOT be reflected in his blood work. The said he was NOT a candidate for surgery.

They said no.

I had all my hope hung on this plan.  I told myself I was hoping in God and that my hope was that He led me to this clinic. But mine and my husband’s level of crushing disappointment today at the news that this wasn’t the plan, well, it opened my eyes to just how much I had trusted in my plan. I got the text from Peter at 11:05am saying they had denied it and he sent me the email stating why. At that exact moment I was sitting in room with 8 of my fellow Kids Ministry leaders and the Kids Pastor in a meeting for our church.  Without saying a word I got up and went to the bathroom and bawled like a baby, all the while texting my broken and frustrated husband not to give up hope. It took about 5 minutes for God’s voice to break through.  Then I heard Him whisper to my broken heart, Now, are you ready to follow MY plan, not  yours?

I realized that my control freak, plan-happy self had been at it again, and that, if it had gone according to my plan, well, I would have gotten the praise for figuring it out, for solving the mystery, for being the one who pushed and got my husband the care he needed.  I would have gotten the glory.  And that’s not what God wants. EVER. 

He wants us trust Him.

He wants us experience Him in every faucet of our lives.

He wants us to see Him working.

He wants others to look at us and see HIM.

So, I took a deep breath, dried my eyes and tried to get ahold of myself, and walked back out to my meeting.  Guess what my next thought was?
Why did it have to happen here, while I’m in public, and not at home where I can just cry? 

They were still discussing some aspects of our preschool ministry and I was sitting there trying to not interrupt by a loud “after-cry” hiccup, or to let any of the still swimming tears escape from the corners of my eyes.  As the meeting was wrapping up, I thought, I wonder if I should say anything? How do I start? What should I say first?  You know, trying to PLAN IT OUT AGAIN!!! (Stop it Deon!) I just kept quiet and waited.  Then, at the very end of the meeting, the Kids Pastor turned to me and asked me if I would close us in prayer.  At the point, I had been staring at my lap, just trying to reign it in.  I looked up at him, and, as the tears broke free and the hiccuping began, I said, “I’m sorry, I just can’t right now.”

And yes, then the dreaded ugly cry was upon me.

Immediately, this wonderful group of people asked me what was wrong and through a mess of snot and tears, I shared the devastating news that Peter and I had just gotten.  They cried with me. Then they all stood around me and laid their hands on me and hugged me and prayed for Peter and I.  I don’t know what is beyond the ugly cry but I’m pretty sure it was happening at that moment.

I felt loved and encouraged.  And also, I felt hope.

Peter and I had a lot of money donated to help us get him to Florida for help. He had just told me (in the bathroom via text!) that he was worried that people would be upset now if we weren’t going. I had already told him that I had many people to say they just wanted to see him get well.
And that we weren’t going to stop.
It just wasn’t going to happen how we thought.

One of the people in this group asked me if I had considered going to the Wellness Clinic here in town, because the Doctor there is a believer and that she knows people he has helped? I told her, yes, actually, we had looked into a few months ago, but it was expensive and insurance doesn’t typically cover most of it, and at the time we didn’t have the money to go.

She replied with, “But you do now.”

A sense of peace washed over me.  Not because that’s my new plan or that I know 100% that this clinic is where Peter will get better.

No.

Because I remembered my verse of the year.  That verse where Jesus says “Seek me first, and all these things that you need will be given to you.”

Then, another thing happened. 

I have to tell you first that two days prior to this I had gotten a FB message from a friend who lives in New Zealand. She said she had been praying for us and her heart was heavy and while she was praying she really felt like God wanted her to tell us that Peter needed to go see a Chiropractor.  She said she knew that sounded weird so she prayed about it, and again, felt very clearly that’s what God was saying for her to tell us.  I told her thanks, and that we were not dismissing anything at this point! Peter’s Dad was seeing a Chiropractor that he liked so I thought I would maybe PLAN to make an appointment with her. 

So keep that in mind, when I tell you this….

One of the other ladies at the meeting came up to me and handed me a brochure that said “Creative Chiropractic.”  She said, “I know that this is not traditional, but this guy is a Believer and he really cares about his patients and he has helped me and my daughter so much!”  She didn’t have to say anything else. A chiropractor, that is highly recommended and being dropped in my lap, after the other message from my friend?  I’ll take it.
I told her about my other’s friends message a few days before and she got tears in her eyes and said she had been second-guessing about giving me that because she was afraid it would seem silly.

It’s not silly.

It’s God.

It’s God’s plan.
Not mine.

Even me being in this room with this group of people when I got the new was not an accident.  He planned it that way.  He knew that I would need them. And He knew that it would all fall into place that way. And He knew that, then, it would completely be seen as HIS plan, and not mine. And His plan is perfect, and perfectly on time.

I can trust that.

I hugged them all and got in my car to go home, so I could pick up my husband and take him to the hospital for a scheduled CT scan he had that afternoon.  I live 3 minutes from the church office. Before I pulled out of the parking lot, guess what song came on the radio?  Yup. My song of the year.  I cried the happy ugly cry all the way home and then sat in my driveway to finish listening to the song and thanking God for His provision and care.  

We are still on this journey.  And the path to Peter’s wellness isn’t the path I had planned. And that’s ok. Because it will be the path that God has planned. And His plan is infinitely better than anything I could ever plan out myself. 

Now…if I can just not try to take back control of that plan?!!!!

I'm leaving you with my song of the year, and with renewed hope.  It’s perfect for our situation. Isn’t it funny how God knew that months ago?  Probably because it was His plan!

p.s.
So I looked up the song on YouTube with the lyrics to add it here and guess what?
It showed a verse first. That verse is Matthew 6:33! 
Coincidence? Nope.