When God's Plans Are Not Your Plans

I am a planner.
And a control freak. 
I am also a woman and a Mom, which I believe triples the struggle for those two things. Unfortunately, I am just not the best at organizing my time correctly to manage all those plans.

Rarely (and I mean RARELY) do things EVER go as I plan for them to.

But, I still keep planning and making my lists and doing my research and plotting the path that I feel like is best. 

And when it all falls apart, so do I. It’s a lesson you’d think I’d have learned by now, right? How many times do I have to fail before I let go of control and surrender to God?

Apparently, a LOT.

Today, my plan to get my husband well fell apart in a devastating way, and true to form, I fell apart too.

Are you wondering what happened?

Well, so am I!

Ok, actually, I know what happened. And I know what I need to do. And it’s the scariest thing for me.

The PLAN

At the beginning of this year, my Bible study group did an exercise where we all picked a word, song, and verse of the year that we felt like encapsulated everything we felt God wanted for us during 2014.  Immediately, the first word that came to my mind was PLAN.  At first, I thought God was saying I need to plan my time better and stop just saying I’m going to do certain things (lose weight, exercise, write on this blog more, etc.) and start planning to do those things with an actual plan that I follow.  Shortly after that, though, God dropped my “verse of the year” on me…I literally woke up one morning and it was in my head. He had to do that. Why? Because I was trying to pick my verse myself and had spent time pouring over scripture looking up verses that applied to the way
I wanted that “Plan” to mean.  Instead, He gave me a verse that was opposite of that.
He gave me Matthew 6:33-34.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to
you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is it’s own trouble.”

What I heard God saying to me in those verses was this:
STOP TRYING TO PLAN STUFF YOURSELF!!!! Just seek Me, let Me plan it, follow Me, and it’s all going to be taken care of. Don’t worry about tomorrow.  I’m already there. And I have a plan for it too.

In the coming weeks and months, I would fall back in desperation on those verses so often. They have become my constant reminder. And God knew I would need it, because I am still trying to plan things, and still trying to trust Him, and still learning what it means to truly seek Him.

My husband is 34 years old and is very sick. And has been for a very long time. 17 years, to be exact. During that time, his symptoms have multiplied about every two years and current symptoms have only gotten worse. We’ve seen multiple specialist and none of them can tell us why all these things are happening to him. Basically, they all just seem to want to put a “band-aide” on the problem, treat the symptoms, but not stop whatever is wreaking havoc on his body.  The last 2 years have been torturous.  The last six months…have broken us both.  I honestly feel like I’m sitting and watching his body slowly shut down from the inside, and no one can tell us why.

So what did I do?
I came up with a plan (of course!).
Over the years I have spent numerous hours researching and looking up Peter’s symptoms and then adding more symptoms to the search and narrowing it down and emailing doctors and looking for any other medical document that lists all his symptoms.  I finally came up with a plan of action and moved on it!  I thought I had found the solution and that, if we could just raise $3500 to get us to the clinic in Florida and have a simple surgery, it would fix him.  I was sure that God had led me that way…because it made sense.  And because it was something that I could do.

I researched the symptoms.

I found the clinic.

I called and checked it out.

I filled out the application.

I submitted all his medical records.
I set up the donation website to get us there.

I told everyone that I KNEW this was it.

I FAILED.

After 3 weeks of waiting, we heard back from the clinic today and the doctor’s there who reviewed Peter’s medical history basically said that he was too sick and had too many problems to have a parathyroid tumor and it NOT be reflected in his blood work. The said he was NOT a candidate for surgery.

They said no.

I had all my hope hung on this plan.  I told myself I was hoping in God and that my hope was that He led me to this clinic. But mine and my husband’s level of crushing disappointment today at the news that this wasn’t the plan, well, it opened my eyes to just how much I had trusted in my plan. I got the text from Peter at 11:05am saying they had denied it and he sent me the email stating why. At that exact moment I was sitting in room with 8 of my fellow Kids Ministry leaders and the Kids Pastor in a meeting for our church.  Without saying a word I got up and went to the bathroom and bawled like a baby, all the while texting my broken and frustrated husband not to give up hope. It took about 5 minutes for God’s voice to break through.  Then I heard Him whisper to my broken heart, Now, are you ready to follow MY plan, not  yours?

I realized that my control freak, plan-happy self had been at it again, and that, if it had gone according to my plan, well, I would have gotten the praise for figuring it out, for solving the mystery, for being the one who pushed and got my husband the care he needed.  I would have gotten the glory.  And that’s not what God wants. EVER. 

He wants us trust Him.

He wants us experience Him in every faucet of our lives.

He wants us to see Him working.

He wants others to look at us and see HIM.

So, I took a deep breath, dried my eyes and tried to get ahold of myself, and walked back out to my meeting.  Guess what my next thought was?
Why did it have to happen here, while I’m in public, and not at home where I can just cry? 

They were still discussing some aspects of our preschool ministry and I was sitting there trying to not interrupt by a loud “after-cry” hiccup, or to let any of the still swimming tears escape from the corners of my eyes.  As the meeting was wrapping up, I thought, I wonder if I should say anything? How do I start? What should I say first?  You know, trying to PLAN IT OUT AGAIN!!! (Stop it Deon!) I just kept quiet and waited.  Then, at the very end of the meeting, the Kids Pastor turned to me and asked me if I would close us in prayer.  At the point, I had been staring at my lap, just trying to reign it in.  I looked up at him, and, as the tears broke free and the hiccuping began, I said, “I’m sorry, I just can’t right now.”

And yes, then the dreaded ugly cry was upon me.

Immediately, this wonderful group of people asked me what was wrong and through a mess of snot and tears, I shared the devastating news that Peter and I had just gotten.  They cried with me. Then they all stood around me and laid their hands on me and hugged me and prayed for Peter and I.  I don’t know what is beyond the ugly cry but I’m pretty sure it was happening at that moment.

I felt loved and encouraged.  And also, I felt hope.

Peter and I had a lot of money donated to help us get him to Florida for help. He had just told me (in the bathroom via text!) that he was worried that people would be upset now if we weren’t going. I had already told him that I had many people to say they just wanted to see him get well.
And that we weren’t going to stop.
It just wasn’t going to happen how we thought.

One of the people in this group asked me if I had considered going to the Wellness Clinic here in town, because the Doctor there is a believer and that she knows people he has helped? I told her, yes, actually, we had looked into a few months ago, but it was expensive and insurance doesn’t typically cover most of it, and at the time we didn’t have the money to go.

She replied with, “But you do now.”

A sense of peace washed over me.  Not because that’s my new plan or that I know 100% that this clinic is where Peter will get better.

No.

Because I remembered my verse of the year.  That verse where Jesus says “Seek me first, and all these things that you need will be given to you.”

Then, another thing happened. 

I have to tell you first that two days prior to this I had gotten a FB message from a friend who lives in New Zealand. She said she had been praying for us and her heart was heavy and while she was praying she really felt like God wanted her to tell us that Peter needed to go see a Chiropractor.  She said she knew that sounded weird so she prayed about it, and again, felt very clearly that’s what God was saying for her to tell us.  I told her thanks, and that we were not dismissing anything at this point! Peter’s Dad was seeing a Chiropractor that he liked so I thought I would maybe PLAN to make an appointment with her. 

So keep that in mind, when I tell you this….

One of the other ladies at the meeting came up to me and handed me a brochure that said “Creative Chiropractic.”  She said, “I know that this is not traditional, but this guy is a Believer and he really cares about his patients and he has helped me and my daughter so much!”  She didn’t have to say anything else. A chiropractor, that is highly recommended and being dropped in my lap, after the other message from my friend?  I’ll take it.
I told her about my other’s friends message a few days before and she got tears in her eyes and said she had been second-guessing about giving me that because she was afraid it would seem silly.

It’s not silly.

It’s God.

It’s God’s plan.
Not mine.

Even me being in this room with this group of people when I got the new was not an accident.  He planned it that way.  He knew that I would need them. And He knew that it would all fall into place that way. And He knew that, then, it would completely be seen as HIS plan, and not mine. And His plan is perfect, and perfectly on time.

I can trust that.

I hugged them all and got in my car to go home, so I could pick up my husband and take him to the hospital for a scheduled CT scan he had that afternoon.  I live 3 minutes from the church office. Before I pulled out of the parking lot, guess what song came on the radio?  Yup. My song of the year.  I cried the happy ugly cry all the way home and then sat in my driveway to finish listening to the song and thanking God for His provision and care.  

We are still on this journey.  And the path to Peter’s wellness isn’t the path I had planned. And that’s ok. Because it will be the path that God has planned. And His plan is infinitely better than anything I could ever plan out myself. 

Now…if I can just not try to take back control of that plan?!!!!

I'm leaving you with my song of the year, and with renewed hope.  It’s perfect for our situation. Isn’t it funny how God knew that months ago?  Probably because it was His plan!

p.s.
So I looked up the song on YouTube with the lyrics to add it here and guess what?
It showed a verse first. That verse is Matthew 6:33! 
Coincidence? Nope.