Friends

"To have a friend, you have to be a friend."


I'm sure we've all heard this phrase, or been told this, at one time in our lives. 
Even the Bible speaks up about this topic! "A man that has friends must show himself friendly:" (Proverbs 18:24)


I have to admit I never really gave this a lot of thought, other than that it meant I needed to be nice to my friends. But lately, I've been doing some inner heart looks at myself and, like I mentioned on another blog post (http://deliberatelydeon.blogspot.com/2015/10/illusionsmy-hidden-life.html?m=1) I have recently realized that I have friend issues! God brought this verse to my heart last night and immediately this thought sprang to my mind: I want to have deep intimate "BFF" type friends, but I hold people at arm's length becasue I assume they are not going to be that type of friend for me. I have many great friends whom I love, but they are more like close acquaintances that sort of know me well. I still treat them like a friend and love them like a friend. Dont' get me wrong, I'm still nice to them and do things for them. I am "like" a friend to them.  But I realized that I, myself, don't pursue that "BFF" friendship with anyone, and yet I expect others to do that with me. 
The big fear here is that I have to make myself vulnerable and open up.  I have to give without knowing what I'll get back.  I have to be that friend to others even if they are not that kind of friend to me.  After all, the true definition of "friend" is being selfless, putting others first, loving and caring for them ahead of yourself.  That's hard to do because it takes time, and effort, and time, and effort, and love and grace, and time, and effort...
You have be invested.
That's what my heart longs for: a friend who is invested in me for the long haul. A friend who knows my deep inner struggles and problems, and doesn't turn away.
First, I need to figure out how to truly go be that kind of friend to those that God brings my way.


Update...I wrote this before Small Group tonight.  Strangely enough (I mean that sarcastically!), our whole discussion tonight was about our struggle with real friendships and how we need to be vulnerable with people in our lives. 
I get it, God. I get it.
So, here I go.  I'm going to go be a friend to EVERYONE around me. Ok, that's a little intimidating. I'm going to TRY to be a friend to all those around me....

ZipFizz & Jesus

I love my ZipFizz. The thought of not having it makes me have a mild panic attack. My husband would say that means I am addicted…but I call it true love!  What is ZipFizz, you ask? I will gladly tell you!

ZipFizz is the drink that changed my life!  Four years ago, on a random trip to Sam’s Club, there was a very wise person there who was offering free taste samples of this amazing, healthy, all natural energy drink.  I drank it. It was ok. But five minutes later my brain, which felt perpetually stuck in a fog machine, seemed to change. The fog lifted. I no longer felt like I was fighting a battle to stay alert and awake.  This thing was a miracle!  A magic vitamin and mineral concoction that I needed to immediately invest in and keep plugged into!  It saved my momma-brain sanity! Over the course of the next year, I stopped drinking sodas and drank less coffee. I only drank my ZipFizz and water and occasionally tea.  I felt so much better!  I started sharing this amazing drink with everyone around me! After all, who today DOESN’T need more energy and less brain fuzz? 

When I am in public and I pour my ZipFizz powder into my water and shake it, I HOPE someone sees and asks me about it!  I’m dying to tell them…for several reasons. First, to help them! They need this in their life (seriously, you do...)!  Second, to help me! If I get a lot of people drinking it and increase its popularity then I never have to worry about the manufacturer stopping production…because that would be a very sad thing…and I would lose my mind!  I shutter at even the thought!

The other day I was struck with this thought: I am basically a walking advertisement for ZipFizz. I am not embarrassed to share my love of ZipFizz with others, or afraid to tell them how it changed my life.  I’m not even nervous that they will turn their nose up at it or worried about what they will think about me for loving it.  I just do it.  If people taste it, and say "Eww, no thank you," well, I tried.  If they try it and like it and start drinking it, EUREKA! Another devoted drinker of the good stuff! Unfortunately, I am not quite so quick to share other things I love deeply, that have changed my life, that saved me.  Like Jesus.

Why is it easy for me to share my love of an energy drink with others and try to get them to drink it too, and tell them the benefits, but so hard for me to share the truth of the One who TOTALLY changed my life?  I had to have a hard conversation with myself. 

I should care about sharing Jesus with people and introducing them to His greatness more than I do about a drink.  I should live a life that other people see me pouring out myself in a strange way that makes them stop and wonder, what is she doing and why is she doing that?  Enough that they are willing to ask me.  But even if they don’t , I should wear Jesus so clearly that I am a constant banner of advertisement of Him…in a positive way!  An advertisement draws people in.  It shows them something they need.  It shows them how their life could be better if they had this thing.  It doesn’t just point out negative things or list all the side-effects of the product. Jesus isn’t a product, I realize that! But I think a lot of times, we misrepresent Him.  And it doesn’t draw people in.  They don’t see the weirdness of our lives in good way.  They don’t come closer to figure us out.  They are repelled by us instead.  Jesus drew crowds of people. They came to Him because he was doing things that were strange and good and full of grace, and even though he was saying things that were hard for them to understand, there was a pull toward him because of what they saw him doing, and how they saw him loving people. 

I need to let go of my fear of what people will think.  Because if I am loving people, if I am advertising Jesus well, they will come closer.  They will ask questions.  They will drink the kool-aide….wait….I better re-phrase that!  They will embrace the thing that I love, because they clearly see the great impact it has made on my life. They will want what I have to offer.

I want to love and share Jesus like I love and share ZipFizz.

Wow. That’s a phrase I never imagined myself saying! Or anyone saying! Oh. My. Word. ZipFizz just did another good thing in my life...convicted me about my walk with Jesus!  

Ok, back to the main thing...What about you? What’s that thing in your life you love and talk about all the time?  Do you talk about Jesus as much as you do that thing?  If not, why?  Let that thing be a reminder to you, every time you drink it, drive it, eat it, wear it, do it, brag on it (ie: KIDS!!) that you should be doing the same with Jesus.  He is so much greater than all those things. 
Share him with others.

By the way…you should try ZipFizz while you’re at it!

Illusions...My Hidden Life

Watching a magician perform a neat trick with slight of hand is a thing to behold.  Even though you know it's only an illusion, it still amazes you! How did he make it look like he was doing one thing, when, really, it was something totally different? You see the hand he wants you to see, and are totally unaware of what his other hand is doing. Even when you try to watch him carefully, you only see what he wants you to see.
Illusions aren't only performed by magicians. We normal people perform them every day. Think "Facebook"....

On social media we paint a rosy picture of our lives. We let the world see the good hand. And sometimes we give peeks into our real struggles. Usually only when we are desperate enough to ask for prayer or help. But often we only show the illusion. After all, what would people think if they knew what our hidden hand was doing? The illusion that we had it all together would crumble. They would know that what we were showing them wasn't the real us...
I hear people talk a lot about the illusions and problem-free lives that people portray on FB, when in reality their lives are crumbling around them. People scoff at "those" people. But really, we are ALL "those" people. We all have parts of ourselves and our lives that we don’t blast all over social media. And I think that's ok.  If you want to paint a rosy picture to the world, if you portray the illusion, you have the right to privacy and to keep personal things personal. But that can only be healthy on several conditions....

1) If you are married, you can't, and shouldn't, keep one hand hidden from your spouse. You are one flesh.   The spouse IS your other hand.  To be in unity you HAVE to share everything, especially the hard stuff, with each other. Sometimes, as I have personally learned in my own marriage, we keep things bottled up and hidden from our spouse, maybe because we want to protect them or don't want them to worry. Or we keep things to ourselves because we are afraid they will get mad, or it will stir up more strife...so instead, we continue the illusion. This is extremely dangerous to a healthy marriage because, before you know it, that one hidden thing has blossomed in multiple hidden feelings, hurts, thoughts, and behaviors, and your whole marriage has turned into just a show. It literally becomes a case of the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing. So talk to each other...with open hands! Be honest, even when it's hard.  Share the truth of your feelings with grace.  Because if you avoid the hard talks, you are left with only the illusion.  You are left with one hand doing one thing and  the other doing it's own thing and nothing getting done and just a big ol' mess! And that will be harder to deal with than the hardest of "deep" talks.
 

2) Share your secrets with a trustworthy sidekick.  You need to have people in your life who DO know what's really going on. They are there to help you and walk along side you. They encourage you and give you the necessary tools to get through the hard moments. They can be your sounding board when you’re trying to work through something.  They can let you know if something is a good idea or a bad idea. They help you carry your heavy bag of tricks and let you lean on them if the show falls apart. Basically, you need an outsider (NOT your spouse…and I would say not even a family member) who knows all your junk.  They are a neutral party.  They are there just to be your sidekick. This only works though, if, again, you talk to them…with truthful, open hands!

…Honestly, I fail at this one. I’ve come to realize lately that I keep people at an arm’s length.  I perform in front of them, draw them in, put on a good show, but I don’t really let them know what’s going on. I am great a surface friendships! (Doesn’t that sound lovely and alluring!) I have tons of friends. I do. But as for soul-baring deep confession friends? Not so much. I’m horrible at letting people see past the illusion. My trick of the trade is to let my guard down just enough to show some vulnerability, but keep it in place enough to also protect myself from sharing the truth. I'm a control freak and I think should be able to walk myself through success. Also, I’m afraid…Afraid they’ll see my failures, my struggles, and they won’t see me the same, afraid they’ll see me as a fraud.  The problem is, I long for intimate friendships, but I build walls to keep them away.  I’ve only recently realized that I’ve kind of always been this way. Even as a child, I over-analyzed everything, every nuance (except I didn’t know what that word was!) of every relationship.  It’s like I am always trying to figure out what people expect of me before I let down the wall so that I know how to perform the best and best control the situation.  Letting down those walls...well, sheesh, when you figure it out, let me know how to do it!

3) Don’t trick yourself. Ok, so, really, this is probably the first step to gaining a true side-kick and letting those walls down (which means I need to work on this one as well...ugh...why I am writing this?!). If you want to be a "one-man-show", you can.  You will be in control of each action and show.  But, ultimately, the best shows have sidekicks.  If you trick yourself into thinking you don't need help, you'll fail.  So don't trick yourself.  That means you have to be real and honest with who you are, what your strengths are and what your limitations are. You have to admit to yourself those areas where you are creating illusion. You have to allow people to give you pointers and criticism and you have to be willing to ask for help. Why? Because if you don’t, you start to live your whole life on a stage. You lose who you are. And that would be a very lonely existence.

4) Remember the Stage Manager/Director/Producer sees everything…Yes, I’m talking about God. He is not fooled by smoke and mirrors, or slight of hand. He sees everything you are doing. He knows best how to direct you and sees your flaws when you try to do it your own way. He shakes His head when you ignore your sidekick or have hands that aren't working together. Listen to Him.  Because our show is really His show. And His show isn’t about illusion. It’s about transparency. It’s about grace. It’s about representing Him. And He is the Great Redeemer of broken people. He sees the big picture of the show and He knows best how to make it truly applause worthy...

So it’s ok if you don’t want to tell everyone on FB that you are struggling financially, or that your marriage is in a rocky spot, or that your kids are driving you crazy, or that you are mad at God for something in your life, or that you made a horrible decision that you are dealing with.  It’s ok.  I don’t even mind seeing your illusion.  It’s a safe spot to be in within today’s “here’s my life” and "look at how great I am" world.  I feel like I, myself, land there more often than not. 

However, we can’t stay there. We can’t live there. It’s not sustainable. It’s an illusion. So let’s all be sure that when we ARE on the stage, our right hand knows what our left hand is doing (spouses), our trusty sidekick is backing us up, we aren’t fooling ourselves, and to always remember Who we are ultimately representing. And grace. Let's always offer grace to all the other people who are performing all around us. 
It's hard to be on life's stage. 
Let's cheer each other on!