Finally her Mom disciplined her and made her sit down. The little girl, sitting on her sore bottom and crossing her arms stubbornly, said "I'm sitting down on the outside, but I'm still standing up on the inside."
Wow. How often that little girl is me.
God tells me to do something, and after much feet-dragging and complaining, I finally obey Him and do what He said. But, all the while, in my heart I am still saying "I'm obeying You on the outside, but on the inside - I wish I was doing what I wanted."
Today, we sign the papers and officially sell our house. I'm not going to lie. It is very hard for me. Countless times over the last few weeks I have had misgiving and doubts and heart-to-heart talks with God.
I know selling our house is what God told us to do. I know it. But I don't like it. And, I am mourning that loss and I feel bad about it. I finally admitted to God this morning that I am little angry about it. I'm giving up my home and my security and comfort-zone and possibly my kids will have to change schools and we still don't have a place of our own! I'm tired, so very tired of the unknown and the stress and what-ifs. I don't want to sell my house. I don't want to leave it, because I love all the memories there. I'm doing it because I know I need to, but I'm a little mad about it.
And this morning, God reminded me of the story of that little girl. Because I am being just like her. Doing anything for God for the wrong reasons and with the wrong heart will never be easy.
But, even as I sit here with tears rolling down my face, God is still lovingly speaking peace to my heart. He is still telling me, "It's ok, Deon, just let go. I've got this."
I pulled up this blog this morning to write about my feelings of anger and I noticed the title of one of my previous posts earlier this year. It was titled "When God's Plans Are Not My Plans". It related to a totally different struggle that my husband and I faced at that time and how I wrestled with letting God plan things. It was a huge slap on the rear end this morning, and exactly what I needed.
I don't want to be the stubborn little girl who obeys on the outside, but resists on the inside. And yet, I am she more often than not.
Today, I am clinging to my Verse of the Year for 2014... Matthew 6:33 "But seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things you need will be given to you."
Today, I need peace. I need strength to sign those papers. I need encouragement. I need God's boldness to overcome my fears of the unknown. I fall desperately onto God's promises. And He catches me there... God, I'm seeking you. I'm laying at your feet. I'm busted up and bruised, and, Lord, I'm stubborn most of the time! But I want you first. Help me lay myself aside.
Help me being obeying on the outside AND on the inside!
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